Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

You need to work out what matters and what you can let go.

but I let the kids run around with food all over the place so there is literally chunks of food, crumbs, rubbish, paper all over the carpet by the end of the day.
People are focusing on this because it’s pretty rubbish parenting. You can’t let kids run around with food. We had two kids close together and our carpet was never this gross.

They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.
Soft toys don’t need washing.

We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered.
this is ugly but not a hygiene thing. If you want it sorted, organise it.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing.
What’s stopping you getting on with this yourself if you have some good suggestions?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.
Yes he should share some of the mental load and do laundry etc at the weekend. This is unfair and he needs to know this.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS,
Unacceptable. Presumably not nice for the cat too. Why can’t he see this?

We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge.
Either he cleans the bathroom once a month or pays for a cleaner.

whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter
This is huge. Sneering and laughing at you shows he does not respect you. It hints at bigger issues in the relationships.

You are v vulnerable and should consider work. Don’t assume you will walk into that old job. The market is getting worse every year. Could you support yourself and the kids if you split? This sneery man will walk away with it all if you break up. That’s scary.

Raising young kids is tough and we all snap and bicker. But you need a solid foundation, love and respect, with good communication in between the bickering times. Do you have that?

For snacks in the living room, we used to put out a “picnic blanket”. Much easier to shake and wash as needed, and a middle ground between sitting at the table for all snacks vs running around with a croissant.

OP do you rent or own your home? If the latter, whose name is it in?

As soon as you say your a SAHM you get torn to shreds, I've seen it many times before on threads like these.

I dont think it's unreasonable for him to pick up after himself when he's at home. Of course you do most of the housework, it's not like you are asking him to come home and scrub everything! I don't think asking for DIY jobs to be done is unreasonable either. It does sound like you may need to relax your standards for few years, I know this is hard but the time will pass quickly.

But of course as usual, as a SAHM you aren't ever allowed to complain as it's all your own doing!!

He can see it, but perhaps he just doesn’t think that instantly cleaning it up is important or the best use of his time. I agree with him.

As someone said upthread, people have different standards of what is acceptable cleanliness, and you should not assume that yours is the "right" one.

Well, since yesterday I put a “no food in the living room” rule in place with the kids and explained to DP why. Came down thus morning to crumbs all over the sofa, guess why?

“Yeah but he was kicking off and wouldn’t settle so I had to give him it!”

Last night I gave the baby a rice cake before I went for a shower, and DP was all set to let him in to the living room. “I’m not waiting in the kitchen til he eats that!” he says.

He did wait, and said he’d been “joking”, but this morning speaks volumes!

Keep at it. If the kids "kick off" they don't get the snack - it either eat it at table or not at all.

I'ts hard to be firm but absolutely essential for your children's development and future life. No is hard to bear but bear it they must sometimes.

If your DH makes a mess tell him to clean up after himself. He's old enough to know better and you are not his Mum nor slave.

Oh no, get them to sit at the table and learn table manners. The 5yr old is certainly old enough and the one yr old should be learning, surely?
I am absolutely not an expert but in your shoes I'd get the 1 yr old at least night time weaned so you can rest properly.
With things like the soft toys, can you not put them through the wash on a sort of rota basis? Not everything has to be done at once.

@Isthishowitis robot hoover is your friend. Mine does 2 rounds a day in our large flat, focusing on different areas. Makes a huge difference and frees me up to do other stuff (we both work full time but no spare money for cleaner). Crumbs, fluff (where does it come from?!), general child mess. Helps get the kids to tidy their own things too so that hoover doesn't eat it.

When your children are grown and they look back on their lives, what do you think they'll remember about their mother? How she hoovered every day, washed their soft toys, fretted about the skirting boards? And when you are old and looking back on your life, is this what you'll remember? I really hope not.

You don’t want to change your situation so you need to make life easier.

once a week get your dh to take kids out for a few hours and use the time to clean and/ or have a rest? ??
Babies over one should get most nutrients from food so bf is a top up. If you stop night feeds your lo will likely sleep through. (I bf my dd until 2 years)

we had set meal/snack times and ate at the table. So bfast at the table, morning snack we were usually out for at playgroup or park. Lunch at the table. Afternoon snack was after school and we all sat together and dinner at the table. Teaching your children to sit and eat together has many positives- teaching them to sit for periods is good Practise for school, communication skills, manners, sharing, cutting skills. Role modeling behaviour, children are more likely to try new foods and eat more at the table.
if the are eating at the table you have less mess and just need a 30 second sweep after they finish.

Toys - one box out at a time and they help tidy away after. They will get a better play experience than loads of toys littered about.

But that is not their life. My eldest is school age, but we often head to the parks after school, and every single weekend without fail we are out on adventures.

I like to do these things either when I first get up and the kids are having breakfast, or in the early evening when they’re winding down on the sofa. I tidy up as I go, so when it’s me and DP is at work it’s not so bad.

The big cleans I do when they’re with their dad doing other stuff, so I can actually get on with it!

Im hardly a clean freak, but I’m not prepared to let my kids live in a hovel.

But there is a certain basic level of hygiene needed surely. Clean floors, clean surfaces, clean bathrooms, litter trays and bins emptied, laundry done etc are needed. That’s definitely not obsessive! Soft toys would take five minutes to put in the washing machine on a hand wash cycle, it’s once in two years!

@Isthishowitisit is exhausting with young children. There is constant mess. My partner and I are not on the same page with standards. Even both kids eating at the table I find messy-we’re scraping food off the floor with a credit card sometimes.

On the night weaning, I extended breastfed with both. Entirely up to you (if you’re happy that’s great) but I felt like an entirely different person after night weaning. We are all still up at 5.30am with the one year old, but having seven hours of uninterrupted sleep has made a huge difference to both of our moods. However you need 2-3 days where it’s not going to be the easiest nights, and gearing up to that is tough when knackered. We both work so we needed to

Thanks for the reply. The soft toy thing wasn’t even on my radar, but my eldest has been having some investigations in to his breathing at night and we suspect he has some allergy stuff going on. So I’m being mindful of dust / dust mites etc in his bedroom, hence washing the for toys. There’s about 30 of them all stuffed together so a haven for dust!

I would like to night wean, but I just feel so guilty, obviously you know how that is when it’s their main comfort. Selfishly I also dread actually doing it, as I know it will be a rough few nights. He go sleeps with me now, so I also need to get him back in to his cot too and I can’t do it both at the same time. In short, it’s really daunting!

I don’t think you’re being OTT at all!

I couldn’t sit & relax if I could see something needed cleaning or had needed fixing / decorating for ages. If you have the funds book someone in to get it done one room at a time. Deep clean the room once the work has been done then it’s just a keep on top of job.

There is nothing wrong with hoovering several times a day, especially when you have young kids / pets. More so with having carpet.

Our home is wood floors all the way through with no kids or pets & I still vacuum daily, more if it’s bugging me. There is nothing irrational about wanting a nice clean home.

If he leaves stuff laying about bag it up for the bin & assume he didn’t want it as he hadn’t put it away. I used to do this with the kids toys, if you leave it laying about I assume you don’t want it so it’s in the bin it goes!

😂 In our house, if you leave clothes lying around then I assume they’re dirty and go in the wash. DP will wear the same clothes over a few days so he doesn’t like my approach, but myself and the kids usually get one wear!

@Isthishowitissorry on the soft toy thing I was on your side, I clean my twos toys. They smell dusty after a while! Sorry to hear about your eldest’s allergies. A hepa air purifier might help, just run for half an hour before he goes to bed at night. The one I’ve got measures the air quality, before during and after running it.

It is daunting, both times it was actually easier than I thought it would be, but the thought of it was tough. Actually in the cot was easier, and partner did a lot of the initial comforting. But again, when you’re ready.

Sounds like you’re not alone in differing hygiene standards anyway! The state my partner would accept visitors surprises me. Also to the people not minding food on the floor, dirty litter trays, dirty loos and grotty skirting boards, is that the case if people pop around? Or is it a big clean up to get the place visitor ready?

This! There’s absolutely no way he’s having his friends round with stuff all over the carpet and stinking litter trays and I absolutely can’t sit down at the end of the night around that. 😫

We did put an air purifier in his room and it’s made a HUGE difference, he sleeps much more quietly and peacefully now! It happened within days so it’s no coincidence. Ours also measures and displays the air quality which really helps.

@Isthishowitis I could have written your post word for word. It is not an obsession with cleanliness, you are not being over-obsessive with the cleaning what so ever. You have standards, they sound like normal standards to me. My DH does nothing in the house cleaning wise or diy either. I have given up. EVERYTHING falls to me. I am literally dead on my feet trying to keep up with it all AND work FT. I have standards and refuse to live in filth/dirt/half finished jobs/a substandard house

Your standards sound normal. You’re one step ahead on the air purifier, I’d no idea about them until we had a renovation done. So glad it’s helping him

You need to get on the same page about things.

Hoovering twice a day is way excessive! As others have suggested, all food at the kitchen/dining room table will eliminate some of the need, as well as stopping the endless grazing some kids get used to. It also creates more family time around the table.
I'd also say, if you're doing the hoovering at night after the kids are in bed, as you didn't have time due to watching them, you can't really complain about him not having cleaned up after the kids whilst watching them (but you can about the fact he's expecting you to clean up the mess later!).

Sit down with DH and express what bothers you, and give him the opportunity to do the same (as he'll probably also have some things he'd like to change), then come to an agreement about what's important to each of you that definitely gets done, what's on the 'in an ideal world' list, and what you can drop. Try not to dictate the new rules, but actually agree them!
Then both get on board with what you've agreed, without prompts from the other - if it's all food stays in the kitchen, you and DH need to be a team on it and both enforce it, if DH has said 'I hate when we're having family time, and you try to leave to squeeze in the cleaning jobs, and feel like you prioritise them over us', then you need to be fully present when you're doing family stuff, and stop moaning about the fact you'd rather be cleaning the skirting boards. Write the rules, or lists or whatever down, and display them somewhere central, so everyone can see them, including your oldest child.

If there's stuff that then comes up, like your child having an allergy so you want to wash the cuddly toys, either just do it when you've got chance, or discuss with him why it's important, and add it to one of the lists.

I also think getting your child out of your bed at night will improve everyone's relationships, generally grouchy-ness, and sleep, which will have a big impact on things around the house anyway.

My husband is like that. He's a great dad and a great husband but he is so messy, steps over things on the floor, never cleaned a toilet in his life and cleaned the bathroom once in 15 years. NEVER tidies up. If I want to live in a semi decent space, I have to do it all myself. Having a cleaner doesn't help, it';s not just the cleaning is living in a semi-organised space without socks on the floor in the living room, used toothpicks all over the house, dirty forks and crumbs everywhere. It has caused a lot of resentment over the years. He works hard and he works long hours but I work full time too and have a stressful job. His standards are just not up to scratch and the mess depresses me. Honestly if I could have my time again, I would have established boundaries much earlier in the relationship and would have thought twice about whether this is a dealbreaker for me. Other than me relaxing my standards and living in a constant mess (which is not always due to having young kids - his favourite excuse), I have not yet found a way to fix this.

There you go, you wanted it to be his fault and now it categorically is!

You win!