AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

I thought that, she didn't want to be pushy. Ask her! You have a good relationship so you can be straightforward, she won't mind.

Because she’s his mother?

i don’t get why this is a big issue. She spent Mother’s Day with her daughters, like lots of mothers do. You are not her daughter, you have your own Mum who she probably thought you’d celebrate with. That doesn’t mean you aren’t valued as a daughter/in-law, it’s just a different thing.

ETA - if anyone should be upset at not being included, it’s your son! He’s her child.

I wouldn’t call a card and some sweets “going all out” it’s a token gesture. And she can do this because he is her son!

Surely mil's children should be treating her on Mother's Day? She's their mother. It's Father's Day today and I've dropped around a card and present to my dad and left him to sort out his side. I made sure DD had a card for her dad and we're cooking his favourite dinner tonight. Surely these days are about thanking our own parents and helping our children do the same until they're old enough to do it all themselves?

I don’t think OP has quite grasped what Mother’s Day is.

Why would my husband be invited to a Mother’s Day celebration??

Because it’s HIS mum. To celebrate HIS mum. As it is MOTHER’S DAY. Do you not understand the concept of Mother’s Day is to celebrate your Mother and acknowledge the role your partner plays in being a Mother (where you are celebrated by your own children).

He wasn’t invited though, as MIL probably, normally, thought it better he spent the day with you, not her! Poor woman can’t win!

You're not her mother and she's not your mother so not sure why you would spend Mothers day together. Of course yanbu to be hurt but I think yabu to say something. She spent mothers day with her kids. Why is your DH apologising profusely to you - what did he arrange in terms of gifts and seeing his mother on mothers day?

Do you tell both your mum and Mil that you spent £20 on your mum, but £25 on your MiL?

Why didn't you spend time with your own mum if an intergenerational get together is important to you, to make your own mum feel loved and appreciated?

YABU

Perhaps the OP comes from a culture in which women are “adopted” into the husband’s family. Hard to understand from my perspective but it might be a possibility.

I have never heard of the daughter in law celebrating Mother’s Day with her Mother in Law. You had a nice day with your own daughter and husband celebrating ‘you’ as a mother. Be happy and enjoy your family. Xxxxx

There was definitely a thread where US contributors said basically everyone gives everyone cards if they’re a mother. Maybe it’s just certain areas, probably not somewhere like New York.

This is nuts - it's not grandparents day - It's MOTHERS DAY!!!
You are your childs mother and she spent the day with you.
Sorry op but I think you are being really unreasonable and worse your husband is indulging this BS.

I think THIS is really weird! I've never heard if anyone doing this

Agree. There was a mother and two sisters. To be honest, no matter how much I like my sil it doesn’t mean I would invite her to a Mother’s Day lunch I was having with my mum and my sister. The idea that now we would have to invite her every Mother’s day would seem absurd and frankly irritating.

but I’m the mother of his child it would be weird to leave me at home and celebrate his mom over me

Yes, now you are getting it! Bravo!!! It would be weird, which is why his (normal, non-weird mum) didn’t invite him (her child) to her Mother’s Day celebration. It’s why she thought letting him spend the day with you was better.

As for the card business, no, you don’t get a card from everyone in your life. You get shitty, handmade cards with pieces of macaroni and glitter stuck on from your kids once they start nursery/preschool. Because you are their mum. For Mother’s Day, a child gives their mother a card. You don’t give the neighbours, butchers mother in law a card, because ‘she is a mother’. It’s only your own mother. So, why MIL, or anyone else on the planet, other than your kids, would give you a Mother’s Day card is baffling, and it seems you have some odd relatives of they do this.

Op please don't say anything you'll damage your relationship with her irrevocably.

It is perfectly normal for a mil to spend Mother's Day with her daughters. Yes be nice to have all family there but it's fine that you weren't invited. Leave it and stop going on about it to your dh or you'll drive a wedge there too.

I'm assuming here that the other grandchildren are children of MILs daughters, and nieces to OPs husband.

Kindly OP, you're blowing this out of proportion. It's mother's day. She spent the day with her daughters, to whom she is a mother. They happen to have children. Really she should have included your husband as he's also her child.
But also, any of the daughters (and your DH) could have made arrangements to celebrate the day with their spouses and children.

The issue of you bending over backwards for her is something separate. She's not your mother, she's your husbands mother. He is the one that should be getting her cards, gifts, etc., not you. You can do that for your mother.

This is a you problem

Are you sure that it's not actually your husband you're angry with here and you're projecting it onto your MIL?

Why didn't your husband spend Mother's Day with you as you're the mother of his child and he should be spoiling you.

If that's not the case then you just sound frankly batshit. Your MIl invited her kids who happened to bring their children. It doesn't sound like she invited any of her daughters husbands so I have no idea why you think she should have invited you.

She’s not your mum, basically. She celebrates with her children… you’re not her child. It’s up to your husband to facilitate your DD celebrating you on MD. Not his Mum.

Because she's his mother........

You appear to be incredibly demanding. Are you the first one of your peer group to have a child and do you spend a lot of time on tiktok & Instagram?

So you didn't go to your actual mother's for dinner but were desperate to be invited to your MILs, seems bizarre to me. You had a lovely meal out with your DH and DD and moaned about not being at your MILs. I don't get it. I would much prefer a nice day with my family (just DH and DD) than having to be with my DH's extended family. Enjoy what you have. Why would you get a mother's day card from your MIL? She's not your mother, I assume/hope your DH did a card with your DD, and you sent one to your mum and presumably not to your MIL.

Agree.. @AlertHazelExpert do you really mean friends and a cousin have sent you mothers day cards??