AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

Naw, that's not a norm here in the US anywhere I lived.

That is actually refreshing to hear of from that POV. It helps me see things more logically

I think you’re overthinking this tbh. Yes, would be nice to be included but I wouldn’t have expected it! You are not her daughter and neither is your own daughter! When my Mum was alive myself and my sisters would take her out but never with our partners and kids.

I think you're finding the concept of Mother's Day confusing. It's got nothing to do with grandparents celebrating their grandchildren.

Her DAUGHTERS went out with their MOTHER on Mother's Day. Their own CHILDREN went out with their own MOTHERS that day. You could have gone to see your own mum or your DH and DD could have organised a treat for you. You had no reason to treat your MiL, but your DH could have done as it's his MOTHER.

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day.

Absolutely none of that is your mother in law's responsibility though.

My ex mil and I were really close but it wasn't for her to recognise me as a mother on mother's day.

I see my own mother on Mother’s Day. I’d never be bothered if my MIL and SILs did stuff without me.

I think it’s a bit odd you expecting to be invited tbh her daughter spent the day celebrating with her mother. Her other child spent the day with his wife and child.

If all this fuss you are making gets back to mil and her daughters I can only imagine how much they’ll be looking forward to you joining them next year.

Not being invited doesn't mean you or your child have been slighted. Being part of a family doesn't mean every family member has to be invited to everything.

Mothers Day was never such a big thing when I was growing up. I bought my mum a card and a present, we didn't make it a big party day. When I became a parent, my kids (or DH when they were little) did the same for me. My mother didn't give me anything!

As far as I'm concerned, it's about acknowledging you value your mother, not about celebrating mothers in general.

Society makes everything so OTT these days, resulting in lots of crazy drama.

IMO it would be wise for neither you nor your husband to say anything. How would you feel, btw, if someone critiqued your guest list?

They went with their own mother!!

Just like your daughter was with hers!

Why didn't you see your mum? Was she ok with that??

To me, this sounds like something her daughters did for her, rather than her organising it. And they didn't invite you on assumption you were with your own kother/ your dh. Where were your SIL's partners in all this?

If you are all usually close i can see why this feels hurtful, but i wouldn't blow it out of proportion. And yes, i would thibk a casual conversation between your dh and your MIl or one of your SIL would be better than YOU bringing it up. Casual and laid back to a)figure out what happened and b) gently let them.jnow you were hurt without putting pressure.

It makes total sense that MIL would only invite her own daughters. She’s their Mum! You have got this way off I’m afraid. I don’t agree based on what you’ve said that you’ve been slighted in the least

Oh my goodness ! your MIL is not your mother !!!

You have a mother and your child has 2 yes two grandmothers so it was up to YOU how you celebrated Mother's Day with YOUR mother ! and how your child celebrated Mother's Day with her grandmother !!!

Now as your child is so young obiv she couldn't plan or sort out anything, but you could and should have or maybe your husband could have helped your child ?

Just like YOUR husband ought to have sorted out something for your MIL who happens to be HIS mother !
whether that be sending her flowers / buying her a gift / taking her out for lunch whatever - HIS mother not yours !

What did your mum do for your husband for father's day?

Okay OP maybe in your family. I don’t know anyone that has ever gotten a card or gift from their MIL on Mother’s Day. No one. It isn’t shitty it’s normal. Your expectations don’t align to how every family behaves. She did nothing wrong.

How were you going to celebrate your MIL?

You're complaining about being left out but your MIL could feel you and your DH left her out.

She got him a card with a handwritten note about what a great father to her GC he is along with some kid his favorite candies my MIL did nothing for me and went all out for my husband.

Wasn't Mother's Day months ago? I wouldn't not have expected to be invited to a mother's day thing with my MIL nor would I have wanted to go but then I see mother's day in general as a big lot of nonsense designed to get people to spend money and line the pockets of the CEOs of the card companies. Just choose not to care about it and you'll feel so much better. He should be in charge of all his own mother's presents & cards etc anyway.

Your daughter is her grand child not her daughter and the same for you. It makes sense that she would celebrate Mother’s Day with her children. Your not her child

but I think it’s a bit shitty to not even get so much as a card to recognize me as the mother who is raising her GC and my role in that bc without me her GC wouldn’t be there
It is for your DH and your child to get you a card and/or present. Nobody else. Nobody needs to celebrate you as a mother except the humans you birthed. You sound incredibly entitled here OP.

hey I saw on FB you all had a really nice lunch I’m glad you had a great time next year me and your other granddaughter would love to join I would hate for my daughter to feel like she is the only granddaughter not invited

If you wrote that to me, I’d assume you’d become unhinged. It was Mother’s Day and your MIL spent it with her children (who just so happen to have children). She didn’t invite your DH (her child) as she likely assumed your DH/child are celebrating it with you and didn’t want to take him away from you on Mother’s Day. The grandkids have zero to do with it. It’s not ‘celebrate Grandkids Day’, I don’t believe that exists. You are not ‘othered’, the reality is she is not your mum and you can’t try and pretend she is just because you had her grandchild. Normal people understand and accept all this, but I highly suspect you are not going to.

I am not disregarding for feelings at all, I understand that the situation made you feel upset and left out and I’m really glad you ended up having a lovely day anyway, but I tend to agree with the other comments here. Your MIL spent the day with her daughter on Mother’s Day and thus her daughter of course brought her own child too, I don’t think it’s been thoughtless on her part, your husband didn’t go did he? He chose to spend the day making it special to you which is lovely. I hope this doesn’t effect your relationship with your MiL, I don’t think she did anything wrong in this case x

Right? I’m also pretty sure that those of us who had a kid and carried the kid etc didnt think of it in terms of being celebrated by their MIL in the long run but rather because they wanted to have children. Well that’s what I did anyway….

‘Permanently changed my body’. Yeah that’s not on her maybe at a push MOTHER nature?

If you get on with her don't blow things up.
But match her energy completely.

Will you be happy at your daughter treating her own mother in law to nicer presents than you?
Thats weird.
What on earth are you thinking putting her before your own mother?

Drop that rope.
Get some perspective.
Doing too much always leads to disappointment.
Let your husband say something if he wishes, its his family.

But I would totally dial back your expectations and effort.
Focus on your parents and leave his to him.

The happiest women I know are those that did this.
They left their husbands family for him to organise, no wife work done at all.
They liked their in laws but had zero expectations of them.

I agree with this 👆 Just forget about them and do your own thing.