AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

No I would not say your mil is wrong for spending Mother’s Day with her kids (not her son, as he was spending it with the mother of his own daughter as they’d previously discussed). Would I have expected your husband to be invited? Yes, as it’s Mother’s Day and it’s his own mother. Would I expect him to attend? No, as you had family plans.

If you’d have had plans with your own mum and took your daughter with you then I’d have thought he would have gone with his mum and sisters. You haven’t been left out, unless there’s a drip feed that other dil’s were there and you weren’t.

What?

Hell I’ve had FRIENDS a COUSIN send me a card and surely that’s further removed than a MIL
And that's just fucking weird

Just to add I also don’t understand why MIL would be doing something with her son for Father’s Day. You should be sorting something nice on behalf of your daughter. Did you?

Gawd you’d think. Life is challenging enough without all the extra unnecessary drama added to the mix. I can’t think of much I’d be less bothered about.

This is probably because in person friends tend to agree with you to be supportive. In an anonymous forum, people are more likely to give real opinions, hence why we all post here asking for advice not just ask our friends. Friends do a different job, they support even when they may personally disagree.

Personally I think it was actually up to you and your husband to invite her to a Mother's Day celebration. She is his actual mother and your mother in law, but it sounds like she had to plan her own celebration. You had brunch with your husband and kids so you did celebrate it within your own family. The reason she made a fuss on Father's Day is because your DH is her son (but not everyone celebrates their children as parents anyway)

Now that's just weird. The only people I've ever had mother's day cards from is my own children.

Gently, I think you might be over-reacting.

I adore my MiL of 28 years. We get on really well. But the only time I’ve had a Mothers Day card from her was when my DD was born (First Mother’s Day and all that). But then, her own DD & DS only got cards on the ‘First’. Over the years she’s spent Mothers Day with her own DD and not included me. I haven’t seen an issue with this because - they are her daughters, not me. I have my own mum.

We do call over to see both sets on the relevant days, but Mother’s Day (and today, Father’s Day) is mainly DH , DD and I. And take today. It’s Father’s Day. Hubs has been spoiled, we’ll drop cards at the parents in a bit - but our DD is on holiday with her DP and his parents. So there will be lots of photos of her with her FIL. Will hubs be jealous? No. These things happen.

if she leaves you and your DD out of other events then yes, say something. But for a one-off, it’s a non-event. Let it slide.

I’m presuming you’re not in the UK, unless this resentment has been festering for 3 months. Are traditions around Mother’s Day different where you are?

In the UK it’s mostly children treating their mothers, not mothers treating the next generation of mothers, but if the latter is true wherever you are this makes a bit more sense.

In either case, I’d suggest you try to handle this sensitively because it would be absolute madness to ruin a good relationship over what might be a minor misunderstanding. If you’ve been looking for an excuse to have a family fall-out, on the other hand…

I wonder if OP is in the US and maybe in the US there is more of a “Mother’s Day is about celebrating all mothers” whereas here in the UK Mothers Day is more about celebrating your own mother? She mentions getting cards from friends and a cousin, which would be pretty weird here I think. Maybe that’s why people think your reaction is a bit odd OP?

Or perhaps I am completely wrong!

You are not her daughter.

Take it up with your own mother.

And her celebrating her son’s father’s day is
fine. That’s her son.

You are being really weird.

You've got a mother. She isn't her.

Why didn't you spend mother's day with your mother?

It’s not Grandmother’s Day and it’s not Grand daughter’s Day. Is she ignoring your dd’s birthday or Christmas?

typically, these things are organised as follows:

• You organise something to celebrate YOUR mum
• your DC (or your spouse if DC are too young) organise something to celebrate YOU as a mum
• people with dc invite THEIR mum to join their celebration with their DC, or they do something with their dc during the day, and arrange to see their own parent before/after.

its up to you if/how to celebrate your mum.
if you aren’t happy about the effort from your spouse to celebrate YOU as a mum, or think he should have invited your MIL (HIS mum) to celebrate with you, then take it up with him.

either way, it is not the responsibility of your MIL to organise something to celebrate YOU being a mum. She may have chosen to do that for her DC, but that’s up to her.

Every family is different, op earlier you said you'd let her know that you'd like to be included next time. I think that's a great idea. Good luck

But she’s not your mum.

Did your own mum send you a card to thank you for being the mother of her grandchild?

Jesus, where would this stop - I thought most people got one Mother’s Day card from their own child, but you want them from children, grandparents, cousins, friends of cousins, the lady who lives down the street….

"No we both weren’t invited and my child is 4 she is going to start seeing how her mother and her is othered and that’s a fear of mine. She will see her mother as being treated as “less than” or a second class citizen. My husband took my daughter and I out to brunch and he profusely apologized on his mother’s behalf but I was so hurt by the whole thing. So hurt" - what the heck! So hurt! - less than! - othered!

Chill.

A mother spends time with her DDs and their children on Mothers' Day - not exactly something to hold the front page for!

You are massively massively over-reacting over something that is just fine, a non-problem. Your poor OH must feel between a rock and a hard place.

Truly, just relax and enjoy the time with your little one. Life s simply too short for all this stuff!

This is so unbelievably pagg agg. Why would you do that?? Why don’t you just organise to do something with your own mother?

Perhaps MiL assumed you would be spending Mother’s Day with your actual mother? Which you did, by arranging a meal. So you weren’t “left at home” in any event.

You're not her kid. Her kids can spend time with her when they choose, and they were celebrating Mother's Day with their mother. Your expectations to be included are odd. You should have been doing your family stuff. You arranged a dinner for your mom.

What did your husband do for his mom? What did he do for you?

You're not equal to her children in your MIL's view. That's normal. Spouses of children are not the same as children.

I think your viewpoint that you need included in everything having to do with MIL and her children is extreme and odd. You're taking huge offense at MIL and her daughter and daughter's kids going out for a lunch on Mother's Day. That's pretty wild. I would stop your husband from making this an issue. This will not end well.

This is really odd, are you sure the DDs didn’t organise it to thank their mum? Odd that the mum was planning the Mother’s Day things. If she did organise then odd that she didn’t include her son (not you so much). Did the daughter’s partners go?

I thought the same. I’m sure there was a thread on here once about how in the US all your neighbours and friends send you a card if you are a mother. It seemed very OTT for British tastes as we just generally think of our own mum, or mum figure.

OP, this is ridiculous.

YOU are a mother. You should be celebrating your day with your child and partner (at least whilst your child is young enough to need their dad to facilitate the celebrations etc)

Why do you need to celebrate mother's day with your MIL when you are a mother yourself and you even have a mother you could celebrate with?!

On Mother's Day, I spend the day with my kids and DH. We will phone our mums separately but they understand that really Mother's day is for children to celebrate their mothers and it's more of a token for adult children celebrating their parents.

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day.

Are you expecting a card from MIL? If you haven’t got a card that’s down to your DH and your DD.

Well my husband wants to address it with his mother he feels hurt his wife was overlooked so I think he’s going to

If the above is the case why does your title and question:

AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

Sound like you are the one that’s hurt not your DH and you think he should mention this to your MIL and you are trying to get him to?