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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

474 replies

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 13:10

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

OP posts:
SecondWoman · 15/06/2025 23:43

Dearover · 15/06/2025 13:44

I think you're finding the concept of Mother's Day confusing. It's got nothing to do with grandparents celebrating their grandchildren.

Her DAUGHTERS went out with their MOTHER on Mother's Day. Their own CHILDREN went out with their own MOTHERS that day. You could have gone to see your own mum or your DH and DD could have organised a treat for you. You had no reason to treat your MiL, but your DH could have done as it's his MOTHER.

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Yes, this. OP, you sound absolutely exhausting. I bet your petulance is visible from Mars.

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/06/2025 23:47

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 19:42

My little one isn’t old enough to celebrate me on Mother’s Day so of course my husband should be prioritizing me on Mother’s Day I’m the mother of his child for crying out loud and I think the nod should go to the parent who is in the trenches of parent hood. I can understand that I was being a pit precious about not being invited out to lunch with my SILs and MIL since I’m not her daughter ok fair point and I take that on board but my own husband shouldn’t be leaving me at home to continue to do the parenting work alone to go out with his mother if I’m not invited that’s crazy of course I should be invited if my husband is (not just mother and daughter) and if I’m not he should say so everyone in the family gets a nice Mother’s Day out but my wife who is also a mother doesn’t get a break and you are asking me to leave my wife the mother of my child on Mother’s Day. That would be a bold move for a MIL to expect her son to leave his wife who is in the trenches of motherhood on Mother’s Day. We ask for ONE day to be about the wives and having a break and we can’t get that

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But your husband did stay with you and your DC to celebrate Mother's Day with you. His sister(s) took their mum out to celebrate Mother's Day with their Mother. They asked your DH what his plans were - so presumably if he had wanted to join them (with or without you and your DC) he could have said. But he told them he was celebrating with you and that you also had plans with your mother.

On Mother's Day it is for kids (and partners where kids are too young to organise) to celebrate their mums.

It is not for your MIL to celebrate you.

If she gave your DH a card on Father's Day, that is a nice gesture to celebrate her son in his role as a father. It's not a common thing people do. And it doesn't mean she has to take you out for lunch on Mother's Day with her daughters.

Tourmalines · 16/06/2025 01:03

Weird .

INeedAnotherName · 16/06/2025 01:20

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 20:25

Yes and that doesn’t deserve recognition? What’s wrong with saying I’m the mother of his child? Of course I expect the parent who is in the trenches of parenthood to get the nod.

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Of course I expect the parent who is in the trenches of parenthood to get the nod.

The nod comes from YOUR CHILD(REN) and DH. Nobody else. Otherwise it's weird.

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 01:24

I can't work out what has actually happened, here.

If MIL invited your DH but made it explicity clear that you and your children were not invited, then YANBU.

What is sounds like though, is that MIL extended the invite to DH and he declined it, without clarifying either way if only he was welcome. Unless it was made very clear you were not welcome to join, I would have assumed you were.

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 01:31

Wait, were your SIL's spouses invited? If they were, but you were not, then thats unreasonable of her. In all other circumstances I think YABU.

FartNRoses · 16/06/2025 05:12

Head.Wall

Sofiewoo · 16/06/2025 05:21

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 19:42

My little one isn’t old enough to celebrate me on Mother’s Day so of course my husband should be prioritizing me on Mother’s Day I’m the mother of his child for crying out loud and I think the nod should go to the parent who is in the trenches of parent hood. I can understand that I was being a pit precious about not being invited out to lunch with my SILs and MIL since I’m not her daughter ok fair point and I take that on board but my own husband shouldn’t be leaving me at home to continue to do the parenting work alone to go out with his mother if I’m not invited that’s crazy of course I should be invited if my husband is (not just mother and daughter) and if I’m not he should say so everyone in the family gets a nice Mother’s Day out but my wife who is also a mother doesn’t get a break and you are asking me to leave my wife the mother of my child on Mother’s Day. That would be a bold move for a MIL to expect her son to leave his wife who is in the trenches of motherhood on Mother’s Day. We ask for ONE day to be about the wives and having a break and we can’t get that

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No you’re annoyed that theoretically your DH might have left you out in a parallel universe?!!
He didn’t leave you at home alone, unable to have a break, “in the trenches of parenthood alone” it didn’t happen! You’re a total fantasist.

Sofiewoo · 16/06/2025 05:22

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 01:24

I can't work out what has actually happened, here.

If MIL invited your DH but made it explicity clear that you and your children were not invited, then YANBU.

What is sounds like though, is that MIL extended the invite to DH and he declined it, without clarifying either way if only he was welcome. Unless it was made very clear you were not welcome to join, I would have assumed you were.

The DH wasn’t invited either. It was one of the reasons OP was originally annoyed earlier in the thread.

There was no suggestion by anyone that the OP should be alone. Some posters have simply made the point that if anyone should have wanted to spend time with the MIL it should be DH her son, and the OP has gone mental and ran with it.

Sofiewoo · 16/06/2025 05:26

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 20:25

Yes and that doesn’t deserve recognition? What’s wrong with saying I’m the mother of his child? Of course I expect the parent who is in the trenches of parenthood to get the nod.

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Wondering what fuss the OP could have possibly made out of her DH on Father’s Day 😂

spoonbillstretford · 16/06/2025 05:32

Monstersfromtheid · 15/06/2025 13:18

It's not up to her to celebrate you as a mother. It's up to her children to treat her. It would be up to your DH and kids to treat you, or for you to treat your mum. Why would you spend mothers day with your mil and not your own mum?

This. Though we are all local so we'd all get together. Spend it with your own mum, DH and DD.

LilacPony · 16/06/2025 05:36

BunnyLake · 15/06/2025 13:32

I’ve never once got a card from my mil or even my own mother because I have (some) of their gc. I’d think they’d gone barmy if they’d sent me a mother’s day card for bearing them gc. I don’t think it’s a thing.

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I’ve never had a Mother’s Day card from any one but my children. I would have no expectation of anyone else getting me one.

CalishataFolkart · 16/06/2025 05:38

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 14:39

They asked him and said he will be spending mothers day with me since my daughter is too young to celebrate me but in the evening after we have dinner with my mother and treat her he will come around to his mother’s for dessert and with our gift to her

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“They asked him”

THEY ASKED HIM

Your husband told them you and he and your daughter were spending the day together. Between that and seeing your mum for dinner, when would you have found time for lunch?

And you say your husband should spend the day with you rather than his mother. So he’s not allowed to go to the lunch without you, but you wanted to go to the lunch without him? Even though you are a unit?

Reading between the lines it sounds like you’re having a tough time parenting and could do with some more support. Maybe that’s where this is coming from, because, kindly, your logic doesn’t make a lot of sense.

GreenOtter · 16/06/2025 05:55

OP, I agree with you. It sounds like your MIL is just this type of person that will do things like this and you will have to navigate around it.

There’s a post on this forum, supposedly from a MIL who says she likes to treat her biological son separate to her DIL by giving a card to the son but not DIL. Then a few days ago another post about a MIL taking her son out to a ballgame, to indicate how wonderful of a dad he is.

Whatever it is, you are in good company. My MIL does this sort of thing. I just put up with it for the sake of family peace. I think you just have to minimise the importance of her in your life. Let her organise events and include or exclude whoever.

You can do the same. Maybe next year organise something really nice with your mum and DC. I would just focus on things like this that you can control.

MayaPinion · 16/06/2025 05:58

It was probably the SILs who invited her out for lunch, not the other way round. But she’s not your mum, and I can’t work out why you would expect to celebrate with her, especially when you were celebrating with your own mum. Not everyone needs to get invited to everything all the time.

Doyoumind · 16/06/2025 06:47

GreenOtter · 16/06/2025 05:55

OP, I agree with you. It sounds like your MIL is just this type of person that will do things like this and you will have to navigate around it.

There’s a post on this forum, supposedly from a MIL who says she likes to treat her biological son separate to her DIL by giving a card to the son but not DIL. Then a few days ago another post about a MIL taking her son out to a ballgame, to indicate how wonderful of a dad he is.

Whatever it is, you are in good company. My MIL does this sort of thing. I just put up with it for the sake of family peace. I think you just have to minimise the importance of her in your life. Let her organise events and include or exclude whoever.

You can do the same. Maybe next year organise something really nice with your mum and DC. I would just focus on things like this that you can control.

OP said she did go out with her own mother, though it's just one of the many contradictions on this thread.

BunnyLake · 16/06/2025 08:50

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 13:27

I would love to read a mother in law posting. I took my daughters and granddaughters out to brunch on Mother’s Day but I didn’t invite my DIL and her daughter my DIL and son are hurt by this. Everyone would say how is your other GD any less your GD bc she came from your son and not your daughter? Rude to not acknowledge the mother of your GC and you got your son a Father’s Day gift and nothing af all for the mother of your GC your DIL on Mother’s Day wow she is raising your GC. No one would say my MIL was right to do that

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Do you know for a fact the MiL did the inviting or was it the daughters? My mum never did the inviting, we kids invited our mother.

sugarapplelane · 16/06/2025 08:59

I think we all need to stop replying to this poster.
My Spidey sense tells me it’s the same poster that has created many DIL vs MIL threads recently. Some are on the side of the DIL but most are coming from the side of the MIL.
All the ops posts come across as belligerent. They won’t see from any other side, concede a little thing they’re doing wrong, and then back to defence, defence, defence.

harriethoyle · 16/06/2025 09:25

Spot on @sugarapplelane - I've reported this morning's effort already. Tedious!

KoiTetra · 16/06/2025 09:30

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 15:13

I guess I’m under the assumption that when you marry and make vows to somebody they become their own family so why is MIL not viewing it through the lends of her son being part of his own family unit with his wife and still separating him out from his wife . It’s weird and a sign she still views him as a little boy rather than a unit with his wife and child and a grown man

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OP, as proved by 99% of the messages on here you have a different view to the rest of the world!

Yes when you marry someone you do become family and yes I would expect in-laws to treat a spouse better than a casual partner but I would not suddenly expect in-laws to treat a partner exactly the same way as their own child.

Anyone who expects that honestly has an issue and is either an attention w**re or is so focused on equality and fairness they probably suck the fun out of life!

She views her son as wait for it.... her son! She views you as her sons wife, weird concept I know but bare with me..... He will always be her son no matter who he is married to and she will treat him as such. I would expect her to treat you well but as a spouse not act as though you are her own child.

Short version, get over yourself you are not this woman's child she shouldn't treat you as though you are.

BunnyLake · 16/06/2025 10:33

Boreded · 15/06/2025 17:38

This is where the laughing emoji is needed…your husband would be invited because she is his mother.

i think you’ve misunderstood Mother’s Day. It isn’t a day where all mothers go out to celebrate. It is a day when children take their mothers out to celebrate.

You should have taken your mum out, and your daughter would come with you because you are her mum so she is celebrating you. Your husband should have gone out with his mum because he and his sisters should have been taking her out to celebrate. Your nieces and nephews should have gone out with their mums because they were celebrating them.

This should be a complete non-issue except for in same-sex relationships with two mums. And even in that scenario you would just have the children take both mothers out, and their respective mothers could both go (with the rest of their children too)

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It seems absurd doesn’t it, all the hurty feelings and strops from OP when she doesn’t even understand what Mother’s Day actually is. The fact she says why would her husband go see his mother on Mother’s Day (because he’s a bloke?) deserves a big eye roll. 😏🙄 I suspect MiL and Sils already have an idea what OP is like and now they’re going to be coerced into inviting OP along every Mother’s Day.

Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 16/06/2025 10:43

Surely her other grandchildren were only there because it is also their mums mother's day and they wanted them with them. It would have been nice to include you but I don't think it should be expected. Maybe she thought you'd like to spend some time with you daughter to celebrate you being a mother and not have to "visit the MIL".

Disappointedinpartner · 16/06/2025 11:28

AlertHazelExpert · 15/06/2025 14:39

They asked him and said he will be spending mothers day with me since my daughter is too young to celebrate me but in the evening after we have dinner with my mother and treat her he will come around to his mother’s for dessert and with our gift to her

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Forgive me if I'm wrong but to me this reads like you could have all gone but your husband said no thank you I'll be celebrating with my wife.

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 16/06/2025 11:38

I can’t believe you wanted a card from your mother in law for Mother’s Day!

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 16/06/2025 11:40

Your MIL is allowed to spend time with her adult daughters (and by extension they bring their kids) without you. I wouldn’t really enjoy never being able to do something with my mother without my sister in law, even though we both love her!