AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

OP - you are being emotional, but I think it’s misplaced. If you didn’t have your own mother - fair enough. But mother’s day is about her and her children. I can see her wanting to spend the time with daughters.

And - you should have made plans with YOUR mother…

Also - as you are so insisted on ‘being part of the family’ - then you should absolutely be talking to MIL yourself. You cant have it both ways - enough of a ‘family’ - to be included in invitations to mothers day - but not enough of a family to talk about things that bother you.

Where are you based?

I am England and I don’t know anyone who has ever sent someone who is not their mother a card. Why would you congratulate someone who is not your mother?

your husband took you out for brunch which sounds lovely and is the normal thing to do. You are being beyond odd to expect your MIL to get you a card, you are not her mum?!?!?

This is such a non event.

she was spending it with her own kids. She could hardly invite her daughters and not bring their children along too - in effect taking them away from their mothers.

She isn’t “othering” the pair of you. You’re not her daughter, sorry to be blunt but she’s not your mum.

I think she had a mother's day celebration with her dc, who brought their dc with them, rather than deliberately excluding your dc.

I don't think anyone expects parents to feel the same about their dc and their dc's partner, do they? Of course she wants to see her kids and make a fuss of them!

It sounds like you wanted her to celebrate you, which is an odd take on mother's day. Her daughter's were celebrating her! It's your dh's responsibility to make sure you have something nice to celebrate, not his mum's!

Did you invite all her grandchildren to attend, or just your daughter?

i’m confused. My Mum doesn’t take me out for Mother’s Day - I take her…

So sounds like your sisters in law have taken their mother out

Absolutely this!

Does everyone in your circle of friends get a Mothers’ Day card from their MiL?

You talk of looking at it from an another angle as if you are trying to find offence in this.

You're totally overreacting. If its such an issue for you. You should bring it up with mil

But what about her DIL the mother of her GC? Once married we are a unit you should do for one not for both. Don’t celebrate the father and ignore the mother

At the current time, 88% of people who responded say you are being unreasonable, are you taking any notice of that? You seem hellbent on picking a fight with your MIL, who has every right to spend Mother’s Day with her actual children. Why weren’t you spending the day with your own Mother?

This wouldn’t bother me at all.
id never expect to be invited to MIL on Mother’s day. Mother’s day is about spending time with my own children and Mother.
Was never invited to MIL as she spent that with her daughter as she should.

Because your MIL is your DH’s mother so he could be celebrating her. Your SIL isn’t the only child of her Mothers

Yes, at this rate are siblings meant to send cards to their siblings on Mother’s/Father’s day?

Did you have a child just to please your mil, was she pressurising you to have one? If not, she doesn’t ‘owe’ you anything for having a child.

Are you not upset at your own mum for not making a fuss of mothers day for you? Why only your MIL?

I have never received a card from my MIL, I would have found it weird.

For what it's worth you pointed out that your husband spent the time with you because you are the mother of his child. If my husband did not seek out time with his Mother on Mother's Day I would have zero respect for him. I love being fussed by my kids on Mother's Day but actually my priority is my Mum for the years I have her left with us.

You are making a big deal out of a nothing and actually the more of your responses I read the less sympathy I have for you. The woman was probably invited by her daughters to do something and their kids were there. Mother's day is for children of whatever age and their mum's.

If you do use your planned response of "so my child doesn't feel she is the only grandchild not invited" you are going to sound like a petty trouble maker. Say shit like that in my family and we'd definitely leave you out intentionally after that.

Also you keep on saying weird stuff like I birthed her grandchild, you know that is a common occurrence right, the birthing thing? I mean, I've done it twice and nobody has given me any medals!

Surely only your own children give you a card for Mother’s Day? And your husband would be giving one to his mother, and you to your mother? That’s the way it goes

But don't. If you haven't been invited somewhere, there's a reason for that. Posting some passive aggressive shit will just make you look like a loon.

Accept it. Cogitate on the reason why but accept it.

Exactly this. I feel like OP has misunderstood what Mothers Day is. The only person who needs to give you a card or celebrate you in any way is your child - did your husband sort a card from her?

You seem adamant you are right here OP, but I really don't think what you expect is standard.

Are you in England? I only ask as other countries have had mothers day more recently, and can be more celebratory in general than the English.

You mention becoming a unit, but it isn't like that in reality. There is nothing wrong with having individual relationships with family outside of the unit which will be stronger for some than others. You're not a unit to the outside world.

It wouldn't cross my mind for MIL to celebrate me as the mother of three of her grandchildren. She is DHs mum and the DCS nanna, it isn't her place to "thank me" and honestly I would be weirded out if she did

Sorry OP but to me your reaction to this sounds strange, quite selfish and lacking perspective.
More than likely your SILs wanted to do something with their mum - your MIL - so there were discussions and they got together. They probably (& reasonably so) thought you would be with your mum, or that your DH would do something for you. I also hope you appreciated what your DH thoughtfully did for you, as there seem to be quite a few people whose own partners don’t bother doing anything at all for them.
I wouldn't expect anything from my MIL on Mother’s Day because I birthed her grandchild - It’s Mother’s Day, not Daughters In Law Day! Just as I leave it to my husband to sort a card or whatever for his mum on Mother’s Day, I do the same for mine.

Leaving it is wise. The vast majority of people on the thread disagree with you, so it might be an idea to spend some time considering the points made .

My mother is dead but even when she was here it wasn’t a big deal for her or me, and my adult DC don’t bother with it either. I understand others do it differently .

As a much older women, I can say that in my opinion it’s all the days that count, not just the big ones. I am very close to my DC, I miss my mum and MIL every day, but think of them with love and gratitude . Don’t waste time on stuff like this that really doesn’t matter. Life is short enough.

Daughters spending time with their mother is different to daughters plus daughter-in-law. How close are you to her daughters?

I think this must be an American (or non-UK) thing. That's why you're not getting sympathetic responses.

As far as I can recall throughout my life in the UK, Mother's Day has been for children to show appreciation to their mothers. So in UK you would do something for your Mum, your dc would do something for you (or your dh on their behalf if dc were too young). You dh might do something for his mother (card, flowers, but otherwise would do exactly what happened in your case and take you out, since you are the mother of HIS children).

In UK there is no tradition of the grandparent celebrating the mother of their grandchildren (however lovely they might be).

You post is full of 'you bore and birthed her grandchild'. Well you didn't do it for her, so why should she thank and celebrate you? It happened because you and dh had sex, you got pregnant - whether planned or otherwise - you had the baby because it was in YOUR plans.

My god you sound unbelievably hard work!! Just because you married your husband does not mean you have parity with him in his own mother’s eyes. Grow up and stop being so utterly self centred. Your main character energy is STRONG.