AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

You are insane. Mil had lunch with her daughters who then bought their children so they could be with their mothers.

MIL is not your mother. No you shouldn't have been invited. Stop trying to push into other people's celebrations especially since you have your own mother

Jeez how I hate all this crap. 'Back in the day' (and I'm 37, not 107) Christmas was presents on the day, dinner and activities after. Easter was eggs, leg of lamb, etc. Valentine's was celebrated between romantic partners. Halloween wasn't much of a thing. Mother's/Father's days: you got a flower/cup of coffee from your kids and phoned or visited your own mother (not grandmother, auntie, MIL, cousin or random mother in the street, YOUR OWN MOTHER).

Nowadays it's never ending stream of plastic crap and unrealistic, overblown expectations. Elves on shelves, Xmas boxes, Easter boxes, 'Happy Valentine's' for all and sundry, not just for your boyfriend/husband and now MIL's are supposed to congratulate their DIL's for some unfathomable reason, making a big hoopla of it all. She's not your mother, you're not her daughter. She's celebrating with her own kids, the ones she gave birth to. You should get a present from your children (facilitated by your husband) and go see your own mother, not MIL.

In your first post you state that he thinks YOU should have the conversation with your MIL.

Also, did your mother go all out to celebrate your DH on Fathers’ Day?

This is bonkers. She’s not your mum, she’s your MIL. She spent it with her daughters, just like you spent it with your DD. I also find it baffling you are offended not to be invited to her lunch but don’t appear to give two hoots about your own mum.

This 'poster' has a very recognisable writing style.

She'll probably start agreeing with posters soon, then revert back again, after repeating 'herself' over and over again.

I'm feeling a bit torn and wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar. I've been best friends with someone since we were 8, and this friendship means the world to me - she's more than just a friend, she's like a sister. We've been through thick and thin together, and I consider her a part of my family. She has a daughter who I've always referred to as my niece, and she calls me aunt.

My biological sister has a daughter around the same age, and recently both girls had their Pre-K graduations on the same day. I managed to attend my sister's daughter's graduation, and then took my best friend's daughter out for a special lunch to celebrate. However, my sister got upset and said I should have celebrated my best friend's daughter on a different day. I feel like I'm trying to balance my relationships with both girls, but my sister seems to think I'm prioritizing one over the other. This friendship is incredibly special to me, and I'm struggling to understand why my sister can't see that. Has anyone else had to navigate a similar situation with blended family relationships? How did you handle it?

I would never expect a card from my mother-in-law for Mother’s Day. We do a card for her from her son and grandson, but I never sign it or give her one separately as that would be odd. By the same token, I wouldn’t expect her to give me a Mother’s Day card from herself because it’s odd and… I’m not her mother.

Sounds as though you are looking for a way to cause a rift between your husband and his family to me. Either that or your post is a load of old cobblers.

That's not a thing among anyone I know in the US. Cards cost like $5 each! Who's spending all that money?!

Why would you be invited to a mother's day celebration by someone who isn't your mother? She spent the day with her daughters, who spent the day with their daughters. Arrange something with your own mother in future.

Umm how? If your spouse’s family does something that hurts you don’t you expect your spouse to have your back and besides everyone always says it’s better for blood to talk to blood. So that’s what I did bring it my husbands attention. In a marriage that’s what you do. So am I not supposed to speak to my own husband. What a weird thought in a marriage

No, I don't. I expect my husband to back me up when I make a reasonable point. I don't expect him to back up any kind of nonsense, and neither do I back him up for insane things.

I don't think that either of you should raise it - it's a non-issue. You were not excluded or left out of anything - she spwnt mothers day with her daughters and granddaughters. Is there a backstory to this?

She isn't your mother.

Is there a history of being left out by his family? Have you a very strained relationship with your own? Your MILs intention was not to hurt you and exclude you, but merely to celebrate the day with her daughters who then could also see their own children and be celebrated at the same time. There is a lot of hurt there but it's directed at the wrong target I suspect. You sound very unhappy and im sorry for that.

Oh good grief.
OP, you are absolutely correct. Your MIL is absolutely out of order. You should have been her first thought. Absolutely. 100%.
She has behaved absolutely appallingly and hopefully she will reflect upon her actions and include you in every single celebration she ever has. You should most definitely be invited to everything. You should be the priority.
Your husband is behaving appallingly by not shouting this from the rooftops so if I were you LTB.
Everybody else that has disagreed with you on this thread is completely insane and you are the only reasonable person.

There you go. That’s what you wanted to hear.
Move on.

I agree this is a non event. I wouldn’t celebrate mother’s day with my MIL, i’d be with my own children or with my own mother. I wouldn’t raise this and would move on

OP I've read all your posts now. You sound like very hard work. My advice is to lighten up and stop looking for problems. I guarantee when your kids grow up you'll love them more than their partners. As you should. I guarantee there will be times when you want to see your kids but not their partners. I would also be confident that if your MIL needs assistance with personal care in her old age, there is a substantially higher chance that it will fall to her daughters than either yourself or your husband. And I'd be confident that you won't be volunteering yourself or your husband for an equal share of that. Grow up and stop looking for problems.

Yeah same here not a normal thing - never heard of it.

No I wouldn’t expect my husband to have my back if I was being completely unreasonable. Marrying into a family doesn’t mean that you and your spouse are treated as a single unit at all times. In any case, if anyone was left out it was your husband, not you, and if he had been invited you would be unreasonable to also expect an invitation.

But you were with your Mum.. according to your later post... and you also went to see your MIL..

I think you might be making too much of this!!

She isn’t your mother.

she isn’t your children’s mother.

the conversation shouldn’t come from anyone because it is ridiculous

I’m so confused by your reaction, you say why would your husband leave you on Mother’s Day to celebrate his mother, and at the same time expecting ur mil to include you in their Mother’s Day plan.
yes your husband can do something nice for you, but he should also be doing it for his mother, you’re not his mother.
did it occur to you that the plans were made by the sils for your mil to treat her on Mother’s Day. If anything your husband should’ve planned something for his mum too.

your expecting a lot from them but at the same time your expecting your dh to be all to
yourself. Maybe they just wanted mother and daughter time and that includes their kids. Your child wasn’t invited as she wasn’t celebrating her granddaughters, rather her daughters were celebrating her.

This is a very odd thing to be this upset about.

Your MIL spent Mother’s Day with her daughter and some of her granddaughters. You spent Mother’s Day with your husband and child. Both of those things are pleasant and appropriate. I don’t know why you can’t just be happy that you have a nice husband and child.

While you have your own young child, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day should be about your immediate family unit appreciating each other. If she wants to do something extra on those days for her adult children, that’s slightly OTT but fine, so just let her.

This is where the laughing emoji is needed…your husband would be invited because she is his mother.

i think you’ve misunderstood Mother’s Day. It isn’t a day where all mothers go out to celebrate. It is a day when children take their mothers out to celebrate.

You should have taken your mum out, and your daughter would come with you because you are her mum so she is celebrating you. Your husband should have gone out with his mum because he and his sisters should have been taking her out to celebrate. Your nieces and nephews should have gone out with their mums because they were celebrating them.

This should be a complete non-issue except for in same-sex relationships with two mums. And even in that scenario you would just have the children take both mothers out, and their respective mothers could both go (with the rest of their children too)

It sounds like you've made your mind up, so why bother posting? Most people think you're wrong about every aspect of the situation. But you're going to get your husband to talk to your MIL about your hurt feelings. So go on then 🤷‍♀️