AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

so you did already have plans for Mother’s Day with your own mum. Maybe they would’ve invited you but then realised you’re having dinner with ur mum. Their plans probably clashed with yours, if the dinner took place at the same time, would you have cancelled on ur mum?

Just as you’re upset and making an issue about a trivial matter, she could be just as upset that her own son she birthed is seeing his mother inlaw on Mother’s Day before seeing his own mum. How do you justify this? Why should he see ur mum before his own?

The majority of people I know, including myself, would hate to spend Mother’s Day with MIL instead of with DH 🤷🏻‍♀️
you keep on bringing up your daughter - it’s not grandmother/granddaughter day; MIL is spending the day with her kids who also happen to have kids.

You are making it all about you. Mil has done nothing wrong she spent her Mother’s Day with her daughters and grand children as that’s her daughters children. You are not her daughter.
Also don’t let your views rub off on to your daughter. Your daughter wasn’t left out. She spent the Mothers day with you, her mother. It was not grandkids day and your daughter was left out so to keep saying your daughter was left out is not true.

I spent my Mother’s Day with my mum, sil wasn’t invited as my mum is not her mum, and yes she has kids but it doesn’t make a difference.

But the fact you're butt hurt over nothing doesn't mean your husband should make a fool of himself by having a go at his mother who did nothing wrong on mother's day!!

I mean, complain to him by all means, sounds like he's telling you that you're being utterly ridiculous as well.

I think if your daughter had gone it would have been weird to leave you out - but your daughter didn't go so I am confused would you have preferred to lunch with your m'n'law and not spend time with your daughter?

She's not your mum?

Mothers day = children spend time with their mother. She did that.

You are looking to be offended.

Not as "weird" as for you to want to celebrate your MIL over your own mum.

you can't really expect your husband to back you up when you are completely unreasonable.

You might disagree, but the majority of posters here agree you are being silly. Take note, and leave your poor husband in peace.

Mother’s Day celebrations should be arranged by the children, for their mum. Or if someone has young kids too small to even think of it, then their partners should be arranging something for Mother’s Day for their wives on behalf of their kids.

Your MIL organised her own celebration, which is weird in itself - hey daughters, come and celebrate ME! That’s odd. I don’t know anybody who does this. But fine, her life. Maybe if she didn’t do this, then they wouldn’t visit her at all and so she takes matters into her own hands.

There is no reason for anyone other than your children or your husband to arrange anything for you for Mother’s Day.

If your MIL had invited your child and not you, that would have been weird. Then I would have said why is she trying to take your grandchild away from her mother on Mother’s Day, surely she knows the mum would want to be celebrated on that day. But she didn’t do that. She’s done nothing wrong.

Eh, the more I read this the more confused I am. Sounds like SIL has taken her mum out for Mother's Day. Probably got nothing at all to do with how much you're liked etc. it's literally just a daughter celebrating her mother on Mother's Day. Your dh may have been invited as it's also his mum (and no it wouldn't have been weird for him to go as Mother's Day is all about celebrating your mum (not his wife). But then I've read you were expecting her to get you a card? That's absolutely not a thing at all. Your LO might get you a card (supposedly the dhs job) but I've never heard of a MIL buying one for a DIL or taking the DIL out for dinner either

Why are you bringing this up now, on Father’s Day?

Mother’s Day was months ago.

Because it's all about her!

You sound like a nightmare. One of those insecure people who sees slights in every little thing.

No-one is "treating you like a second class citizen". Yes, it's true that you became a part of your husband's family when you married him. But your expectations around that are completely unreasonable. His mother is not going to love you the same way she loves her own children. It's mad to expect that. The same way no-one would expect you to put more love and care into your MIL's Christmas presents than your own mother. Somewhere along the way, you have adopted some really strange ideas about what your husband's family owes you. It all makes me think you're projecting. You either have a poor relationship with your own mother, or you feel unappreciated by your husband. Maybe both.

Brutal honesty? Pull yourself together. This persecution complex is probably making you unbearable to be around. Your daughter deserves better than a mum who has picked fights with half the family, and is always trying to convince her she should feel aggrieved over nothing. That's what you're on the road to becoming, and she will resent you for it when she grows up. It's draining to be around someone like that.

You come across as very unreasonable.
First of all. Mother's day is for you to celebrate your mother and your daughter (with her dad's help) to celebrate you. And DH should celebrate his mother. Why should your Mil celebrate you? You're not her mother. She spent the day with her daughters who celebrated her. Why didn't you spend time with your mother instead of throwing a jealous fit? And now you want your DH to tell his mum she was wrong to have spent the day with her daughters. Batshit crazy !

My little one isn’t old enough to celebrate me on Mother’s Day so of course my husband should be prioritizing me on Mother’s Day I’m the mother of his child for crying out loud and I think the nod should go to the parent who is in the trenches of parent hood. I can understand that I was being a pit precious about not being invited out to lunch with my SILs and MIL since I’m not her daughter ok fair point and I take that on board but my own husband shouldn’t be leaving me at home to continue to do the parenting work alone to go out with his mother if I’m not invited that’s crazy of course I should be invited if my husband is (not just mother and daughter) and if I’m not he should say so everyone in the family gets a nice Mother’s Day out but my wife who is also a mother doesn’t get a break and you are asking me to leave my wife the mother of my child on Mother’s Day. That would be a bold move for a MIL to expect her son to leave his wife who is in the trenches of motherhood on Mother’s Day. We ask for ONE day to be about the wives and having a break and we can’t get that

Pretty sure she's American. Their Mother's Day was about a month ago.

She didn't expect him to leave you on mother's day. Or even attempt that.

Wtf is wrong with you.

. That would be a bold move for a MIL to expect her son to leave his wife who is in the trenches of motherhood on Mother’s Day. We ask for ONE day to be about the wives and having a break and we can’t get tha

Wow!! This is unhinged now. It's HIS MUM of course he should be spending some time with her on Mother's Day. Yes he should make some fuss of you too but it's not all about you. And FYI from your last sentence 'we ask for one day to be about the wives' it's not it's about the mums (ie his actual mum)

Whaaat? I can understand the anger if your husband had said yes, but he didn’t! Besides, if your SIL took her kids along, why wouldn’t your husband have taken yours along too?! This is absolutely bonkers.

I'm assuming that the OP is American; so Mother's Day would be in May not March. Even so, a few weeks ago, not now.

But this isn’t what happened is it? He didn’t go to his mother’s and leave you at home to do the parenting yet you are now finding more fictitious scenarios to moan about.

It must be a nightmare as a family to try to deal with your logic. On Mother’s Day, I invited my mum & dad and my MIL round and I made dinner for them…despite also being a mum “mothering” every day. I still saw it as a nice day together - god knows what you’d have said if you’d done similar 😂!

Oop there it is.

she’s the mother of his child dontcha know!

But it isn't grandmother's day. Your daughter should be spending the day with you.

I’m getting quite confused here. DH’s mum spent the day with her daughters. Your DH spent the day with you and your child. Have I got that right?

So you feel underappreciated by your husband, and you're angry at him for not doing more to celebrate you on Mother's Day. Now his mum is spoiling him on Father's Day, and you feel it's unfair he's getting the treatment you deserved.

You're angry at your husband. Stop projecting your anger onto his mother and his sisters. You're being passive aggressive, trying to punish him by putting him in the middle of a big argument you manufactured out of nowhere between you and his mother. You're too old for that, and it's a poor example to set for your daughter.

Leave his mother out of it, and talk to your husband about the thing you really feel so hurt about. You want a break. You feel in the trenches. You want one day to be all about you. You want to be made a fuss of a bit, to feel special. Come on. If you were getting all that, you wouldn't give a flying fuck what MIL and SIL are doing. This isn't really about them.