AIBU to think this conversation needs to come from my husband and not from me?

[AlertHazelExpert]

I'm feeling hurt and overlooked after my MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters and granddaughters, but didn't invite me. As the mother of her grandchild and someone who plays an active role in her granddaughter's life, I felt like I should have been included. What's even more hurtful is that she knew I was available, as I wasn't planning to go to my own mother's for dinner. If it was just a regular day and she was spending time with her daughters without the kids, I'd totally get it - that's mother-daughter time. But since it was a Mother's Day celebration and the kids were invited, I felt like I should have been included, especially as a mother in the family. I saw the pictures on FB and I teared up as soon as I saw I wasn’t even thought of. I even asked my husband to make sure he didn’t forget to mention it to me as you know how men can forget to mention those types of things and he said his mom never mention it to him and he was very upset about it himself but he feels since my MIL left me out I should be the one to have the conversation with her I also would have loved to spend time with my nieces and celebrate the day with them.

To make matters more frustrating, she made a big effort to celebrate Father's Day with my husband just a day ago. I always thought we were close and that she valued me as part of the family, but now I'm wondering if that's true. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

Its like cool I carried your grandbaby for 9 months pushed her out of my body and permanently changed my body but my husband deserves all the glory on Father’s Day and I don’t even get a freaking card on Mother’s Day. Not to mention I bend over backwards to make sure things are even between my mother and MIL. If anything the gifts I get my MIL may be a tad more than I get my own mom just to show I’m not favoring my own mother and because I appreciate her for being an awesome grandmother to my daughter. Besides even if you could make the argument that I’m her DIL and not her actual daughter sure but my child is just as much her GC as her daughter’s children are

AIBU to think my husband should have this conversation with my MIL instead of me?

Yes and that doesn’t deserve recognition? What’s wrong with saying I’m the mother of his child? Of course I expect the parent who is in the trenches of parenthood to get the nod.

But your DH didn't know about the lunch according to your first post. So it wasn't a bold move. And you did get a day about you – your DH and DD celebrated you at lunch.

Why are you more bothered about your MIL than your own mother?

The trenches of motherhood?
Bloody Hell love.
Lots of us have done it. It’s not a tour of ‘Nam.
It’s raising a family in a hopefully loving and fairly calm in environment. I say hopefully because you don’t sound so calm.
It’s one day in the sodding calendar and it really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.
One day that you’ve been told is supposed to mean something.
I have been married many years and we decided from the get go that we would bother with wedding anniversaries if we felt like it. We mainly don’t because we think it’s more important to remind each other we love each other all the time. When we have time. And how we choose to do it. No markation in the calendar needs to tell me what to do.

I feel so sorry for your dc, your dh, your MIL, anyone who encounters you on the school run etc because your entitlement is really quite a first for me. And I’ve been around the MN block.

Why do you think that your MIL organised this? I have adult daughters and THEY'RE the ones who plan my mother's day. Because it's the day when offspring celebrate their mothers.

You have it completely backwards. It's not about mother's celebrating their kids and taking them out. It's the kids taking their mum out, and there's no reason at all for her DDs to invite you!

She's not your mother. You need to make mother's day arrangements with your own mother if that sort of thing means that much to you.

Take a step back and see it from her side, she's spending mother's day with her daughters, not even her son. That's all. It's not about you or what she thinks of you.

I'm taking a punt that you and your husband have had very different up bringings. And that maybe there is a huge backstory driving the hurt you feel about this.

I have read it that your husband told his mother he and your child were treating you for mother's day - and instead of his mum saying "hey instead of treating your wife - why don't you (son) stay home and I will take your wife and your daughter out with your sister and her children for lunch."

But she didn’t have a family get together to celebrate her Grandchildren, she spent Mothers Day with her daughter, who in turn bought her daughters along, because why would she leave her children at home on Mothers Day.
She would no doubt assume you’d want to spend it with your Mum, or perhaps thinking your husband had arranged something on behalf of your child?.

If it was a family get together with another DIL invited and you not then yes, I get why you’d be offended to not be part of that. But it wasn’t. Your MIL isn’t going to celebrate you being a Mother, that’s up to your husband to organise (on behalf of your children, until they’re old enough to organise something themselves).

Aren't you both in the trenches of parenthood together as mum and dad?

Did you have a lovely day with your daughter and husband?

I don't understand why you didn't arrange a celebration/lunch with your own mother and your daughter. That would have been the equivalent of the arrangement made by your in-laws. I cannot understand your logic about your daughter being 'othered'. Your MIL celebrated with her daughters and they understandably wanted to celebrate with their children. It wasn't a celebration of general motherhood.

Your husband is right, if it bothers you so much you should raise it not him. Although I can't imagine it going down well. You seem to have views about how families should operate, but can't comprehend these are your views and cannot be imposed on the family you marry into who have their own values and traditions. I could never share the opinion that I am 'one unit' with my husband. I continue to belong to my family of origin in spite of marriage. Ultimately I share DNA with them and my children, that cannot be changed or severed. My relationship with my husband and his family can be however, by a simple court order.

WOW! I can't believe that you don't get this OP. Your MIL celebrated Mother's Day with her daughters, because she is their Mother. The daughter's automatically would have taken their own children along, because they are mothers too. If your DH had gone along to celebrate HIS Mother with them, he could have taken you and his daughter with him, but he had a choice - go and celebrate his own Mother, or celebrate his child's Mother, which is YOU! He chose to spend the day with you, rather than his Mother, which makes him a great DH, but you, NOT a very good Daughter, if you'd rather have spent MOTHER'S DAY, with HIS Mother, rather than your own!

I would have assumed that your sisters in law treated their mum and took the kids along too.

Sorry I’m confused MIL is not your mum so why would you want to see her on Mother’s Day? Either spend it with your mum or with your children.

"if I’m not he should say so everyone in the family gets a nice Mother’s Day out but my wife who is also a mother doesn’t get a break and you are asking me to leave my wife the mother of my child on Mother’s Day. "

Now you're just spiraling and making shit up to be mad about.

If you need a break, ask your husband or mother to spell you. Don't expect your MIL and SIL to do it. Again, they are not your family.

You wanted a Mother’s Day card from your MIL? That’s crazy, literally no one does that. I’ve never had a MDC from my mum or MIL. Only from my DC. That’s how it works OP. Everyone gives a MDC to their mum.

So in this you are literally contradicting yourself because you were complaining about not being invited by MIL, you also said your DH wasn’t either. As I said previously clearly your MIL did not invite you in order for you to be celebrated as a mother by DH and your child, yet your now complaining about something that didn’t even happen?

the ONE day about "the wife" is your wedding anniversary, not Mother's Day 😂

Once again, you are not his mother!

I feel sorry for your husband. And again, most wives would not be best pleased to be expected to sacrifice a day like this to be with their MIL.

what "nod" did you actually want?

You want the day to be all about you - not even your mother. So what exactly do you want and expect?

I'm guessing there's a huge cultural difference between you & I.

In the UK, mothers day is (now) marketed as, and accepted as, a day to celebrate YOUR OWN mother. Not mothers in general, or mothers in your family, but your OWN mother (ie the mother figure in your life). So it should be organised by the offspring, not the mother. Obviously a young child will need help with that, and a baby will be completely clueless.

Your mil giving your son a token gift and card for father's day is a bit wierd to me, although if she was doing it "from" his dc then it makes more sense!

This is bizarre. The appreciation and celebration of Mother's Day goes upwards. The offspring show their love and appreciation to their mothers.

Mother's Day for you should have been celebrating your mother and/or being celebrated by your child or with your child father acting as proxy.

It does NOT work downwards. Your MIL didn't take her daughters out because they are mothers, they took HER out to show their mother their love and appreciation. You are not their mother, so they didn't take you.

But earlier you made a great big fuss about how you both took his mum's favourite dessert over for her to enjoy. At precisely which part of the day did he abandoned you in the trenches of motherhood with Bluey and the Teletubbies as your only company?

Good grief, this is the strangest interpretation of mother's day I've come across. I had precisely zero interaction with my Mil on mother's day, she is DH mum and he sent her a card and flowers. Then me, DH and DD went out for lunch and a dog walk. That's it. No drama. I never in a million years have expected MIL to celebrate me on mother's day because I birthed her granddaughter.

Echoing earlier pp this is properly unhinged

OP, you probably don't have a daughter, or a mother, or any kind of near relative that cares about you. In the faint chance that you are actually a human being, you need help. Why not get some?

OP do you have a bit of a toxic or difficult relationship with your own mother?

It’s just that you seem highly focussed on your in laws and I’m wondering if there is some misdirected anger and emotion.

It’s almost as if you expect them to make up for something lacking with your own mother.