Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

This dynamic, is what I feel, to be happening between my brother and mum — made worse through the grief of my dad. As she used to take care of my dad, and he keeps her “company” despite the fact that they don’t actually spend any meaningful time together.

You complain that this is affecting your relationship with your mother cos you can’t go anywhere with her cos she’s always strapped for cash.
Maybe it would be nice for you to treat her to lunch or cinema instead of complaining that your mother can’t afford to do anything. Or even a picnic or nice walk if money is an issue. There’s zero reason why your relationship with her should be compromised because you feel that she can’t pay her way. You sound very resentful of your brother.

Do you also think there’s something here about the son and Mum’s dynamic going wrong? I do feel like it’s sick, and is applicable only to mother and sons. Both are repressed in some way. And in

It’s the phenomenon of the Large Adult Son. See the film Step Brothers for a humorous take. It’s definitely A Thing.

@RowsOfFlowers

Foolishly, I didn't because I was somehow worried I would cause problems for my dad., I still kick myself about that, I really should have stepped in, taken the money from him and given it to my dad. But he would have found a way to get it back, I am sure. What I wrote in this message is just the tip of the iceberg, he even charged us for the suit rental for dad's funeral. It turns my stomach when I think too hard about it.

The only time I asked for a contribution was when my dad's care costs were spiralling, I asked him to contribute something and suggested an amount which was a lot less than if he would have paid for a rent anywhere else and he said he couldn't afford it, and didn't even suggest if there was any amount he was prepared to contribute., and what I asked him to contribute was a fraction of the monthly care cost, I now very much regret that I didn't deduct all those costs we paid for dad's care out of the proceeds of the house.

But at the end of the day, I am happy I was able to facilitate my day staying at home and passing in his own home, which is where he wanted to be at the end of his days and he deserved nothing less.

Well, I am resentful of him yes - wouldn’t you be? I do take her out when I can, but I too, can be strapped for cash because of the cost of everything. I live in the SE, so it’s expensive. I invite her round often and cook for her, even bbqs. We go to garden centres too, coffee cake etc. My mum also works a lot, so I don’t always get to see her as sometimes it’s long shifts over the weekend. I have also spoken to her about this and asked if she could go part time, but she doesn’t want to.

I think I’ll take the advice from PP and just shut down any moaning or negativity because it’s born from her own choices.

I don't know to be honest and I have wracked my brains over many years. I cannot understand it at all. I think the closest I got for my own piece of mind is they are both clueless ..She thinks its her job to mother him and men are the superior sex and women should serve the men is the best I can get to in understanding it. He expects it and is happy to recieve everything that comes with this...all wrong in my view. I think both of them should live in the real world but its not going to happen any time soon as it suits them both.

Bit surprised at the amount of people saying you're unreasonable. If your brother was pulling his weight it would be one thing but it sounds like he just never grew up. Maybe he's waiting for the right woman to come along to replace Mummy. The same way some men don't like leaving relationships until they have someone else lined up.

It’s perfectly acceptable to ask those questions of family. You also have a right to express your feelings on how you are being treated unfairly. This can all be done in a matter of fact and calm way. It’s better to know where everyone stands. Family therapy would involve just this - helping people to authentically express themselves and be heard by others.

A previous poster described her brothers relationship with their mother as toxically enmeshed. This is certainly the case with my sister and mother. It’s problematic and it has an impact on others within the family. Posters who are labelling you as jealous are (luckily for them) totally oblivious to such family dynamics. They can’t relate at all and their advice isn’t worth listening to.

This. He has never grown up. He is completely reliant on my mum. He often calls her when she visits me asking her when she’s coming home. She absolutely looks after him to the extent that he’s a child. It’s infantilising. I am not trying to prevent a relationship between mother and son, but it doesn’t seem to be a very healthy relationship. Anyway, to put it plainly, I just don’t like it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I go through waves of trying to ignore and suppress, and bubbling up to boiling point.

I also don't see you as jealous because I am not either. I think this dependancy is wrong in every way that's all. It is unhealthy and whats worse is I get called upon to sort issues out in their household because neither of them can be bothered its beneath them and they cannot cope or don't want to face usual life stuff its a cop out and destraction for them and interferes with their carry on. So I step back and focus on me! It is so pathetic It infuriates me no end.

Thank you @InWithPeaceOutWithStress I feel heard and understood by you. I feel I can connect with what you’re writing, so I’m taking it in.

Toxic enmeshment is a great term. The thing is, my mother is a lovely lady, truly lovely if you met her, and intelligent, so it baffles me (and makes me more cross) almost blinded by love and obligation I feel. There’s possibly a sociocultural aspect to it as well, as she is not white British. She is British tho. Don’t want to give too much away.

Anyway, I think I’m right to question it. I still don’t fully know how to deal with it, but as I age, there are some important questions and considerations. That’s another reason why I don’t find the “you’re bitter and jealous, just get on with it” posts very enlightening to me 🥱

@RowsOfFlowers i think you’re being very sensible to be concerned. My moms in a similar position with my brother whose lived with my parents forever and refuses to leave even when mental health services were involved and told him it would be better for him and he even had a flat identified for him. It’s got to the point where he’s literally taken over the control of my moms exiting bank accounts, incoming pension and PIP since my dad died in 2020.

She moans about it but also has him on a pedestal so gets very angry at me if I try to get her to recover control. Once my mom passes I’m pretty certain there’ll be no money in her accounts left at all especially as he used her money (he has his own savings also) she tells me to buy a new car.

It annoys me as I’ll be honest there’ll be no inheritance left for me and I live alone with no extended family other than my mom and no friends to help support me when I’m a lot older.

However my immediate concern is just making sure my mom’s bills are paid in all this madness and she has enough cash from the ‘allowance’ my brother ‘’allows’ her to buy the food she wants. Outside of that there’s not much I can do. I empathise with you as people like your brother and mine are quite calculating, and the older parents get the more vulnerable and scared they get of not ‘obeying’.

I imagine your mum enjoys the company and isn’t actually wanting him to move out. If it’s mutually beneficial, then I think you need to let it go.

Same thing is happening with my grandma and my uncle. I don’t think I’ll be inheriting there either, and she seems financially controlled by him now. I don’t hear from my grandma anymore, and she didn’t even attend my wedding. All very sad. Doesn’t make me have very good impressions on men given these are the experiences I have of the men in my family. Other than my DH and my grandad.

But that’s the issue, I don’t think it is mutually beneficial

I am the youngest in my family btw and I don’t have anyone else aside from friends and my husband - so I guess I just worry about the future. I do think I need to speak to a professional as it plays on my mind a lot.

OP doesn't have any spare cash either to treat herself and her mother to lunches out and the visits are no longer enjoyable as her mum just moans about having no money.

She is resentful of her brother and for good reason.

With all due respect lovely lady nothing you will do or say will make an iota of difference here. They are grown ups and are big enough and daft enough to make their own choices. You will get more upset,hurt and confused by their obscene life choices and decisions they choose to make. Don;t entertain it if you can. It helps me to step back leave them to it and try to make a successful life of my own. They will do as they wish and you will end up being the bad guy. They are too blinded to see sense and that bit cannot be your issue to carry.

Sympathies. I have seen this playing out in my grandparents family and it didn't end well.

The "Large Son at Home" was in effect deskilled from social skills, living alone/mental resilience skills, financial skills, etc. Keeping a son infantilised is not a gift in the long run.

That’s the other ridiculous thing about it all. In my culture the boys are automatically put on a pedestal yet it’s me that organised all my moms benefits, checks her welfare, helped with my dads funeral. Brother did zero. He doesn’t talk to anyone either and at times it’s difficult for me to even arrange to meet my mom. I’m pretty certain he listens on the phone when I talk to mom.

im sure there’s toxic daughters out there also but every story I hear including on social media platforms of people asking for advice in my experience it’s always men causing there’s probl,ems.

💯 in a nutshell my brother 😔

Why isn't he allowed to see his daughter? That really rings alarm bells in terms of his behaviour. Does that mean that your mum doesn't see her grandchild? What does she think about this?

Oh my! I've been there with my brother, youngest of five siblings....just never moved out of parental home. Eventually when both parents passed away and we sold the home he was forced to step up and find alternative accommodation, but he was leeching for years.
The 4 older siblings too were worried about coercive control of our parents, but with parental reluctance, little can be done.

Given you're currently sorting your wills, perhaps when mum's next visiting, why not gently broach the subject with her.

Be open and say you're in the process of arranging your and DH's wills and has she got hers sorted and her Power of Attorney arrangements.
Explain all this is best done sooner rather than later in case anything was to happen to her or she were to fall ill. We just never know.

it is a kindness to you.

That might open a discussion on how much is left on her mortgage. Her repayments are likely to be higher due to the short repayment time left due to her age.

Check also your bro's not on the deeds or a tenant in common on the new mortgage.
The Martin Lewis website has a detailed budget form you can print out which might be able to highlight where her money's going. Certainly if she were living alone, her Council tax would be reduced, water rates less, heat and light less,

If all the home outgoings were laid out in detail, on paper, that could be handed to your brother and a suitable contribution agreed. Then he would be unable to deny the unfairness and no need for any discussion.

Just her showing him the budget and telling him "I need money from you to live here or I will sell." Tough love.

@RowsOfFlowers so what did your bro do with his inheritance??