Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

Personally, I think I'd rather have the life you have, rather than your brothers. And I think most (if not all) adults would agree.
Living at home with mummy is painfully embarrassing at 36, and potentially more so for a man, where the cultural expectation is still that men go out into the world fairly promptly and start "providing". Does he have a job? Friends that he goes and sees? A partner?

What's the reason he still lives with mummy?

I've got a female friend who is about 37/38 who still lives with her mum. She has a twin sister who is married with two kids. I do wonder what the deal is.

Tell her you don't want to hear about it anymore. If you're brother's draining her finances, then she must have a chat with him about it, not continually moan to you.

Maybe she should downsize to free up some funds.

Move back in with your mum then and see which life you would prefer. None of your business really, and people can use inheritance however they see fit.

I find it interesting that OP refers to her brother living with their mother as "living at home", despite OP living as a independent adult elsewhere that - in her mind - doesn't qualify as "home", or at least is less of a "home" than mother's house.

It's as if she thinks "home" is where mother lives (even though it's not her childhood home) and anything else isn't a "real home".

I know it's common for young people and students not to consider bedsits and temporary accommodation as "home" and I completely get that, but for a proper grown up to view their mothers house as their proper home when they are living a supposedly adult life is strange.

It might explain OP's resentment of her brother that he gets to live "at home" with their lovely mother, while she has to play-act at being grown-up somewhere else.

This and what appears to be squabbling for mother's affection suggest, both OP and her brother are a little immature and overly dependent on mother's love and approval.

I think both need to cut the apron strings and grow up.

Then what’s your problem. Your mum is probably glad of the company. Have you asked her ? Would she support you in the same way if circumstances were different ?

Gosh you’ve had a hard time here, The vipers are out. You have a brother who has poor family relationships with his grandfather, child, sister, who you suspect might be putting your mother into financial precarity, and a mother who makes financially poor decisions, and neither of them have a plan.

like others, I too have seen this play out and it’s not pretty. I worked with someone who sorted out all of her father’s care needs (carers, equipment, scheduled) from 150 miles away despite the fact she had a sibling living in her father’s house who has been enabled for 20 years and had no practical skills at all. I know someone else which sounds very similar to this - the mother will now go on holiday without her 43 year old son, but only having prepared meals for him for every day she’s away.

It is to do with the OP though and it could easily become her problem.

We know that assumptions are just made. There's an assumption that a grown man living at home will support an elderly parent. I bet he doesn't.

When the OP's DM is no longer here what then? Is the assumption that he lives with the OP? Or somehow he blossoms into a fully functioning adult who knows how to run a home?

As their DM ages so is he. We've had the benefit of trial and error over the years to manage finances and a home and he hasn't. Is there even a plan for this?

The OP is having a hard time. We've found that a little in real life. But until you're in the thick of it and worried about their future maybe you don't see it as clearly.

It's not about now so much although her DM's lack of money is but later.

My bf's relative wouldn't even know how you go about renting a flat let alone getting the stuff he needs and paying to run it. Despite living at home he's got no money, he is rapidly aging out of a mortgage and there is no plan.

Absolutely reasonable to be concerned for your mother, and to be ambivalent about her complaints about her raising her money issues while not being sure what contributions your brother is making to his living there. That’s all fair.

However, saying that, ‘… she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that…’, is not correct. If your brother were to start contributing to the mortgage directly, rather than just paying a contribution to living costs, then he would be directly paying into the house as a current and future asset. He and your mother may wish to set up such an arrangement, but if they did then they would need to change things legally and he would become a percentage owner in the property and would have certain rights to the house and it would affect any future inheritance. Paying a mortgage is about ownership, paying rent or living costs (bills, food, etc.) is very different. If your brother were to help pay the mortgage it is only fair that this is reflected back in his future inheritance and (which would suggest he shouldn’t do this) he would face tax implications and your mother would risk his wanting to take the equity out at some point, forcing her to reimburse him and possibly sell the house to pay that.

"My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money,"

Grey rock or hand her the monkey back.

"Why do you think you're short of money"

I’m going to add a slightly different viewpoint here @RowsOfFlowers.
I too have an older brother living with my parents. He has never lived independently but has always worked and contributed financially. Now my parents are in ill health, he does some maintenance around the house, runs errands (whilst complaining) but has lost his job and due to his own age (60s) has struggled to get another one. I suspect ND and knew he struggled emotionally (friendships don’t really exist and neither do girlfriends). Mum still cooks and cleans as she always has done. He spends much of his time in his room on the computer. He is not very patient with my parents and they don’t like to ask him things.
I moved out years ago, have my own grown family. I look at my brother and feel pity as he’s never been given the skills to be independent, effectively kept infantilised by his own issues and my parents never considering enabling him to be independent. And as we look to the future, I know once my parents are gone, I will feel bad for my brother as he’ll probably struggle to cope. I also know that my parents worry about this.

My own children are ND (as is DH) - my DD struggles overtly so has a diagnosis since a young teen but my DS has masked much more so no diagnosis. In fact I thought my DS was neurotypical but as he unmasks, I see his struggles too. He has pointed out that he feels that he has been parented differently due to this and we have since talked to try and understand each other and improve things so he feels supported as much as DD.

I wonder, if because you have always coped @RowsOfFlowers that your mum relies on sounding off to you as she feels you can ‘take it’. Have you told her how you feel? Is your resentment actually towards your parents/mum because of their parenting of your brother but it’s easier for you to put that resentment on your brother because of a lack of relationship with him?

I think counselling/therapy would be a good idea to explore your family dynamics and feel heard, so it’s good to see you’re considering it. It has certainly helped me.

The good thing is that society at least accepts ND much more than it did 40yrs ago when my brother was younger. Both my children are independent (at Uni) and encouraged to be so.

If you really adored your brother and were very close I'm sure you wouldn't resent him living with her as much.

If she wants him there then it's her choice. I hope he does contribute financially, clean, cook, buy own food etc. and also help her with handyman tasks, DIY, any life admin she needs assistance with. But you can't force him to leave her house.

I'd say it could make things worse if you allow the situation to get to you, as they could close ranks against you if they don't want to be told what to do.

Sound like jealousy and greed to me. I'd be glad my mums got some company and that my brother was happy.

Probably if he was a nice person, he does very little to help, playing video games all day.

My little brother, 30, still lives at home and tbh I could think of nothing worse! He is doing it to save a bigger deposit for a house and hopes to move out next year. I’d literally never thought twice about it before? I don’t consider it any of my business.

What I would say is there’s a loneliness epidemic - especially amongst single men without kids and older people - so if it works for them and means they have someone to talk to / eat dinner with, I can’t see it’s anything to do with you.

Is there something off about all these posts saying the OP is jealous / greedy / judgey / sticking her nose in where she shouldn’t? Even here the vipers aren’t usually so repetitive and clearly hardly anyone is reading the thread.

Making good decisions? That’s a bit patronising. She’s entitled to make all decisions good or bad without your approval.

This.

This is RUBBISH! Don't comment if you cant relate or emphasise. Waste of time if OP is looking for constructive input.

Your mum shouldnt be doing all the cooking and cleaning. Your brother should be paying about a third of his wages - for rent plus bills and food etc - but I can imagine he is not. Perhaps if he wont do cleaning he could pay for a weekly cleaner - but the request has got to come from your mum [ and that sounds unlikely - these man babies have a way of making mums feel sorry for them]

Not sure. Haven’t really been told. Allegations of DV I think. Yep she doesn’t see her grandchild either.

Who knows? I assume sitting stagnant in an account. He doesn’t go out or buy anything. I would bet my mum does all the food shopping and cooking. He used to eat my food when I lived at home. He literally has no life.

He has a job. That’s it. No friends. Doesn’t visit any family. Just at home the rest of the time. It does feel and sound like such an empty life if I’m honest. I sort of despair on my mother’s behalf, but she hasn’t really encouraged him either, more so enabled him to remain the same. She doesn’t really have a backbone!

Lol, this is ridiculous and an absolute stretch. Most people I know refer to their parents home as home. It’s just language, it doesn’t need to be that deep! Jesus Christ. I love my now home!

No, she would not. When I temporarily lived at home, she kept asking me to move out!!