Page 11 | Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 12:54

iggleoggle · 15/06/2025 11:40

Gosh you’ve had a hard time here, The vipers are out. You have a brother who has poor family relationships with his grandfather, child, sister, who you suspect might be putting your mother into financial precarity, and a mother who makes financially poor decisions, and neither of them have a plan.

like others, I too have seen this play out and it’s not pretty. I worked with someone who sorted out all of her father’s care needs (carers, equipment, scheduled) from 150 miles away despite the fact she had a sibling living in her father’s house who has been enabled for 20 years and had no practical skills at all. I know someone else which sounds very similar to this - the mother will now go on holiday without her 43 year old son, but only having prepared meals for him for every day she’s away.

This is shocking.

And I absolutely agree that the vipers are out! Some people really cannot help themselves.

OP posts:

flowersandfoil · 15/06/2025 12:56

I think some of the responses on this thread are unfair!
the OP can be concerned about her mum, be worried about her brother still living “at home” and this not come from a place of jealously, and I can fully understand this could lead to resentment. OP could be entirely happy with her own life set up and think it’s unfair her brother is essentially scrounging of her mum and taking advantage.

OP - I don’t think you can get involved, which you already know. But every time your mum complains about col or bills or money, then I think your response should be “how much is brother paying you towards bills?” “Is brother paying a fair amount”, you can ask those questions and raise it without it being an issue for you

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 12:57

user1471538283 · 15/06/2025 11:41

It is to do with the OP though and it could easily become her problem.

We know that assumptions are just made. There's an assumption that a grown man living at home will support an elderly parent. I bet he doesn't.

When the OP's DM is no longer here what then? Is the assumption that he lives with the OP? Or somehow he blossoms into a fully functioning adult who knows how to run a home?

As their DM ages so is he. We've had the benefit of trial and error over the years to manage finances and a home and he hasn't. Is there even a plan for this?

Thank f**k there are some people on MN who can see where I am coming from! Frankly, I feel like I’m being smart and forward thinking to be considering all of this… I am definitely going to be raising it with my mum before it’s too late. E.g. (not that I’m wishing for this) if she were to pass away - does he just continue living in her house?!

She used to moan to me when I was growing up how my uncle did this to my grandad while she was paying her own mortgage and raising two kids. Oh how the tables have now turned!

There needs to be a plan. It is my business as it’s my immediate family, and as far as I’m aware, I am my mum’s next of kin!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:00

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/06/2025 11:49

Absolutely reasonable to be concerned for your mother, and to be ambivalent about her complaints about her raising her money issues while not being sure what contributions your brother is making to his living there. That’s all fair.

However, saying that, ‘… she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that…’, is not correct. If your brother were to start contributing to the mortgage directly, rather than just paying a contribution to living costs, then he would be directly paying into the house as a current and future asset. He and your mother may wish to set up such an arrangement, but if they did then they would need to change things legally and he would become a percentage owner in the property and would have certain rights to the house and it would affect any future inheritance. Paying a mortgage is about ownership, paying rent or living costs (bills, food, etc.) is very different. If your brother were to help pay the mortgage it is only fair that this is reflected back in his future inheritance and (which would suggest he shouldn’t do this) he would face tax implications and your mother would risk his wanting to take the equity out at some point, forcing her to reimburse him and possibly sell the house to pay that.

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I believe she has a £14-£15k mortgage on the current property…

OP posts:

Lilaclinacre · 15/06/2025 13:01

Having read the updates I think that it sounds like the heart of the issue is the resentment towards your brother and maybe how your mum treats him vs you. If that's the case then you need to 'drop the rope' as it were. You'll never change a mother's view towards her son,it doesn't work like that, even if it is to her own detriment. It's one of the reasons we have lots of enabled man babies knocking about but there it is (and i hate blaming women for mens issues but I've seen it over and over again with my own eyes). Be happy for your life as it sounds like you are happy, let your mother get on with mollycoddling her son and let your brother carry on doing whatever he's doing. Don't let the resulting issues become yours l.Any other approach just means misery for you.

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:01

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/06/2025 11:49

Absolutely reasonable to be concerned for your mother, and to be ambivalent about her complaints about her raising her money issues while not being sure what contributions your brother is making to his living there. That’s all fair.

However, saying that, ‘… she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that…’, is not correct. If your brother were to start contributing to the mortgage directly, rather than just paying a contribution to living costs, then he would be directly paying into the house as a current and future asset. He and your mother may wish to set up such an arrangement, but if they did then they would need to change things legally and he would become a percentage owner in the property and would have certain rights to the house and it would affect any future inheritance. Paying a mortgage is about ownership, paying rent or living costs (bills, food, etc.) is very different. If your brother were to help pay the mortgage it is only fair that this is reflected back in his future inheritance and (which would suggest he shouldn’t do this) he would face tax implications and your mother would risk his wanting to take the equity out at some point, forcing her to reimburse him and possibly sell the house to pay that.

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Sorry, you are right - legally - I guess what I meant is contributing a fair share towards living costs. But then I guess lodgers are paying a rent aren’t they which technically is paying off someone else’s mortgage?

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:04

He doesn’t do any handyman, DIY or maintenance tasks. He didn’t even help my mum move in. I was there on moving in day. Even other relatives make comments on how little he helps. He’s been infantilised and continues to be.

OP posts:

Ragruggers · 15/06/2025 13:05

I understand as have experience of a ND adult who wouldn’t pay his way.Your mother has made an error a giving you and your brother money however small and buying another house she can’t afford because of your brother needing a room.You say your father always looked after the finances so your mother didn’t understand why a mortgage in her 60 ‘s was a poor decision when she could of been mortgage free.There is really nothing you can do you need to try and move on from this.Has your mother made a will and LPA ?.Your mother likes the company and feels she has no choice so that is that.Your mother either talks to your brother and asks him to either pay more or ask him to do a food shop etc.This situation will not get better so just enjoy your mother’s company and don’t discuss it she is well aware.Sorry

DiscoBob · 15/06/2025 13:05

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 12:09

Probably if he was a nice person, he does very little to help, playing video games all day.

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Obviously that's not great. If he's disabled so doesn't work then fair enough, but otherwise he should at least be job seeking. And of course helping out. But ultimately his mum is the one who's seemingly happy to have him there so there's little to be done.

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:06

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 12:09

Probably if he was a nice person, he does very little to help, playing video games all day.

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Yes, but I don’t adore him. And many people don’t. He’s not a nice person. There have been no consequences to his actions. I could go on further, but it’s outing and not fair really. Even my mum thinks he’s a bit of an ahole, as I heard her say this out loud in recent months. I do think she just accepts the situation….

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:09

Illprobsregretthis · 15/06/2025 12:10

My little brother, 30, still lives at home and tbh I could think of nothing worse! He is doing it to save a bigger deposit for a house and hopes to move out next year. I’d literally never thought twice about it before? I don’t consider it any of my business.

What I would say is there’s a loneliness epidemic - especially amongst single men without kids and older people - so if it works for them and means they have someone to talk to / eat dinner with, I can’t see it’s anything to do with you.

But he has a plan… he’s saving to move out… and he’s 30. My bro is older, and there is no plan.

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:10

DiscoBob · 15/06/2025 13:05

Obviously that's not great. If he's disabled so doesn't work then fair enough, but otherwise he should at least be job seeking. And of course helping out. But ultimately his mum is the one who's seemingly happy to have him there so there's little to be done.

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He is working. He has a full time job. Rest of the time he’s playing video games.

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:13

Lilaclinacre · 15/06/2025 13:01

Having read the updates I think that it sounds like the heart of the issue is the resentment towards your brother and maybe how your mum treats him vs you. If that's the case then you need to 'drop the rope' as it were. You'll never change a mother's view towards her son,it doesn't work like that, even if it is to her own detriment. It's one of the reasons we have lots of enabled man babies knocking about but there it is (and i hate blaming women for mens issues but I've seen it over and over again with my own eyes). Be happy for your life as it sounds like you are happy, let your mother get on with mollycoddling her son and let your brother carry on doing whatever he's doing. Don't let the resulting issues become yours l.Any other approach just means misery for you.

I think this a fair and reasonable piece of advice.
I’ve literally just detached myself from it - it’s just when she mentions money that it hits a nerve, but I think I’ll just signpost or offer to help her look at finances and that’s it. I liked your perspective of just let her carry on with mollycoddling and I won’t be able to change her views on her son - that somehow helped shift how I look at things, so thank you x

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 13:14

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:06

Yes, but I don’t adore him. And many people don’t. He’s not a nice person. There have been no consequences to his actions. I could go on further, but it’s outing and not fair really. Even my mum thinks he’s a bit of an ahole, as I heard her say this out loud in recent months. I do think she just accepts the situation….

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He sounds like a bit of an A-hole, special needs suspicion aside, read up on glass children, the children who are overlooked, the troubled DC soaks up the attention, sometimes forever, like your situation.
Tell your DM to make sure he has his name down for social housing, maybe, in a few years, encourage your DM to sell.
I'd buy a house together with a small annexe, no room for Dbro.
My aunt had a troubled DS, the minute he moved out to a rented room, she sold her house for a tiny one bedroom.
He still came back to her sofa.

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:15

flowersandfoil · 15/06/2025 12:56

I think some of the responses on this thread are unfair!
the OP can be concerned about her mum, be worried about her brother still living “at home” and this not come from a place of jealously, and I can fully understand this could lead to resentment. OP could be entirely happy with her own life set up and think it’s unfair her brother is essentially scrounging of her mum and taking advantage.

OP - I don’t think you can get involved, which you already know. But every time your mum complains about col or bills or money, then I think your response should be “how much is brother paying you towards bills?” “Is brother paying a fair amount”, you can ask those questions and raise it without it being an issue for you

Thank you.

I guess I feel stuck between do I ignore it - grey rock a response - or ask the questions?! Is it my business is it not? Is she looking for help, or just someone to vent to?

She’s vented to me my whole life.

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:16

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 13:14

He sounds like a bit of an A-hole, special needs suspicion aside, read up on glass children, the children who are overlooked, the troubled DC soaks up the attention, sometimes forever, like your situation.
Tell your DM to make sure he has his name down for social housing, maybe, in a few years, encourage your DM to sell.
I'd buy a house together with a small annexe, no room for Dbro.
My aunt had a troubled DS, the minute he moved out to a rented room, she sold her house for a tiny one bedroom.
He still came back to her sofa.

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See, I much prefer that set up - I don’t like the idea of my mum going into a care home. I’d always like her close. I’d be happy to have an arrangement where she lives in an annexe with us. But I guess that’s years to come, but who knows. I think it’s worth raising the idea. So much to think about. Trying not to overthink as well.

OP posts:

DiscoBob · 15/06/2025 13:18

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:10

He is working. He has a full time job. Rest of the time he’s playing video games.

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Ok fair enough. In which case he's entitled to play video games as a hobby surely? He doesn't complain about what you do in your spare time?

Does he pay his way, buy own food etc?

I understand you don't like his attitude but I honestly think pressing your mum to kick him out won't work.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/06/2025 13:19

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:13

This 10000%

Thank you so much for seeing it from my POV. These are all the sorts of things I worry about too.
I think he is reliant on my mother, and I still think she cares for him a lot etc but I feel it’s to his own detriment as it’s taking away core life skills and independence. He’s a recluse, no friends, has a job but just plays video games all day long. He doesn’t do any cleaning.

It’s a hard position for my mum, but I feel she needs to encourage him to stand on his own two feet for his own good. I know it’s common to live with parents still, and have other family members doing the same, but they’re saving to buy their own place.

I need to think about the future and how it’ll all pan out. I feel responsible for my mum.

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I’m with you, OP. He sounds like he’s taking advantage of your mum. Now, whether this is deliberate or not, only you can tell. Perhaps he simply doesn’t realise how much things cost? He also sounds like he’s stuck living a non-adult lifestyle. You imply that when your mum sold her house and bought this new one, she purposely chose something bigger than she needed so your DB could live with her. Do you think she sees herself as his carer? Or do you just think your DB has no motivation to do anything for himself?

Perhaps you could try to ascertain from your mum just how much he pays her. Say you’re worried and sad that she’s finding things harder financially than they need be. Don’t point the finger at your DB directly nor say anything critical of him being in her house. Just act like that’s all fine but you’re concerned your mum is missing out when she doesn’t need to.

You could then talk to her about the future: how your DB needs support and encouragement to lead an adult life and learn skills. Frame it as for your DB’s sake. What will DB do when she’s gone? Who will he speak to? What will his life look like? Hopefully that will encourage her to be a bit firmer with him.

JudgeJ · 15/06/2025 13:19

mumonthehill · 15/06/2025 08:09

You could have a very practical talk with her about wills, helping her with her finances, is she getting any benefits she may be entitled to. Other than that it is her choice and you need to respect that. Just be there if she needs you. I imagine she wants to support your DB as a mum would.

If you have a chat about wills I would also ask about her intentions regarding the house after she dies, the brother may be expecting to get the house, which would be unfair.

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:23

DiscoBob · 15/06/2025 13:18

Ok fair enough. In which case he's entitled to play video games as a hobby surely? He doesn't complain about what you do in your spare time?

Does he pay his way, buy own food etc?

I understand you don't like his attitude but I honestly think pressing your mum to kick him out won't work.

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Of course, but this isn’t a hobby anymore, that’s all he does. He spends hours, days on it. It’s more like an addiction. I don’t feel like you’ve fully grasped the situation.

I am also not simply “pressuring mum to kick him out.” It’s not as simple as that. I’m asking her to think about the future, and what the plan is. That could mean that she encourages him to find his own place, and live a bit more independently or if he needs some help or care or something - go and get that. At the moment, everyone’s passively accepting everything without a plan or thought that actually what the current dynamic could mean for the future.

OP posts:

BreatheAndFocus · 15/06/2025 13:24

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:10

He is working. He has a full time job. Rest of the time he’s playing video games.

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Then why on Earth can’t he find his own place? How pathetic! I assumed he was unemployed. He could rent or get on a local affordable housing scheme, or Part Ownership or something.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/06/2025 13:25

Gloschick · 15/06/2025 08:01

Surely it's her own business. Presumably she likes having someone else around after your father passed.

If he hadn’t been married, I know my Dm would absolutely have loved for Dbro to come and live with her after she was widowed. I doubt very much that he ever would have, though.

Whether you also received a similar inheritance is the salient point here, IMO, OP.

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:26

JudgeJ · 15/06/2025 13:19

If you have a chat about wills I would also ask about her intentions regarding the house after she dies, the brother may be expecting to get the house, which would be unfair.

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Yeah, I agree. I’ll raise it once my DH & I have sorted ours out as a lead in to the conversation

OP posts:

Original poster

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 13:27

BreatheAndFocus · 15/06/2025 13:24

Then why on Earth can’t he find his own place? How pathetic! I assumed he was unemployed. He could rent or get on a local affordable housing scheme, or Part Ownership or something.

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Well, this is it @BreatheAndFocus

It’s really shocking. I have friends much younger who live independently either renting or paying a mortgage. It’s definitely a choice, and she is accepting that. It makes me cross.

OP posts:

forensicdetective · 15/06/2025 13:28

You keep saying you're not "jealous" but it's there in your OP:

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair.

Life isn't fair, and really it is none of your business how she arranges her life.