Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

I think another issue is, on reflection, in our family it seems there’s always ONE member of the family that still lives with their parent. I’ve got cousins who are late 30s & 40s still living with either mum, or mum & dad. One even has a son who comes to stay - joint custody but he works full time. Maybe this is just the norm now, but I can’t understand it. 😳

I know couple of older women who've had a son move back in with them in later life and they've both preferred it to living alone.

Resentful is different to jealous.
I am happy with my current life!
and actually it is my business as she’s my mum and I am her next of kin!

That sounds quite unfair of her as she has no intention of asking your brother to move out. I wouldn't be happy with the obviously preferential treatment that your brother receives compared to the way she treated you when you lived at home.

Honestly, your mum is trying to make her problems into your problems to solve. I'd back off and reduce the number of weekly visits with your mum. I think she is just hoping that you will help her financially which is why she keeps talking about her financial difficulties.

If my son wasn't allowed to see his child due to domestic violence, I wouldn't just shrug it off. He sounds like an abusive dickhead.

If my son wasn't allowed to see his child due to domestic violence, I wouldn't just shrug it off. He sounds like an abusive dickhead.

Exactly! But just like everything else, it’s all brushed under the carpet. Oh no, he can do no wrong, poor him. Everyone just feels sympathy. There is no accountability. I think it’s valid that I feel annoyed by this!

That’s completely understandable. My ex is similar - a scrounging man-baby, and even though he’s my ex it still pisses me off. He did eventually move out, but he’s still at his parents’ house more often than not, getting free meals, his washing done, saving on his energy bills, etc. He takes advantage of his parents big-time. As an example, he’ll ‘help’ them by taking them to the supermarket where they and him do their separate shops - and then every single time his parents offer to pay for his shopping even though he’s working full time and earns a decent wage! That’s the real reason he ‘helps’ them - so they pay for his food.

I bet your DB is expecting to stay on in the house after your mum has passed on. You could well have a fight to get him out. All you can do is play this very carefully. The ideal outcome would be for your mum to have somewhere smaller and cheaper, and your DB to have his own place.

I agree. It’s the cleanest, and most straight-forward of arrangements.

Also - that sounds exactly like my bro. I can totally see -as an outsider - how his living situation and dynamic with my mum has turned him into a reclusive and abusive man-baby. He was nasty to me while I lived at home, and it got brushed off as sibling rivalry. I eventually moved out and forged my own life and career, but as its family, I’m still somewhat connected!

Sorry. To be clear, you are resentful and jealous.

You resent the fact you have to deal with extra financial pressures, mortgage, COL, and are trying to conceive, while he is on easy street living with your mother.

You are jealous of his lack of the above financial pressures, and the easy ride you believe he is having while you work hard, and your mother's preference for him over you (When I temporarily lived at home, she kept asking me to move out!!), yadda yadda.

It’s not a bad idea if it suits both and no one is being exploited, it’s mutually beneficial and reciprocal.

Do you ever directly tell your brother to get a job and earn a salary?
Does your mother ever do that to him?
Do you ever have open, face-to-face conversations with either of them—or both—about important issues?
From my point of view, it seems like you don’t really like your brother.
Your mother should realize that she raised two siblings who act more like enemies than friends. That must weigh heavily on her conscience.
You also haven’t made things easier for yourself. You’re dealing with financial struggles due to some very costly decisions, and it seems your state of mind is more comfortable resenting those who aren’t under the same pressure. And when they do face financial concerns, you tend to ignore them. On top of that, you're thinking about having a child while you're not yet financially stable or secure.

Thank you. Sorry if I misunderstood. I totally agree with what you're saying. The problem with addiction, of any type, is getting the person to see it as such. Would he listen to you, or is there maybe another male family member near his age who the guidance might feel easier to take for him?

I’m not jealous at all - I don’t wish to live with my mum and have no life.

Why comment if you’ve nothing helpful to contribute?!

if your Mum is in her early 60's, why so "poor DM still has to work" - she hasn't reached state retirement age yet, and the mortgage lender would have taken her age into account when agreeing the mortgage.

maybe if you do offer to sit down with her to look at her finances, do look forward to what her retirement plans are - but she isn't ancient or in her dotage, and maybe just enjoys having company of her son living with her.

Howling 😂😂

I think my point didn’t come across too well - I did waffle a bit about my own experience so my fault there!
it’s about the dynamics. What he does/doesn't do is the result of those dynamics between his parents and him, the expectations, his own issues in how his parents supported him (enabling the behaviour and not addressing it, probably because they didn’t have the skills or knowledge).
A sibling pointing out to a parent their (possible parenting) failings has to be handled extremely delicately. No-one likes to feel they’ve failed in that way.
As others have said, get mum financial advice if she wants it, you can always say you’re doing the same for your family and suggest it for her by extension.

Have you read full thread?
I do not have a relationship with my brother, I’m estranged from him pretty much. He has a job. He works full time.

OP, please ignore the PP's who are giving you a hard time, it's only because they have no experience in this kind of stuff. Lucky them, and i mean that genuinely! They can't comprehend that a family member can be an abusive shit, who will never change, and who you can't "have a discussion with" to get some compromises, some understanding, some kindness or ANYTHING. And when the family member being exploited is full of excuses and inaction, there is NOTHING you can say to get them to jump to action. It just doesn't work like that.

Anyway I'm not about to air my family's business on here, but i just wanted to say YANBU, my mother and 2 brothers were the same except much worse, my poor mum was living in terrible terrible conditions, and my brothers are a waste of oxygen.

So I just wanted to say, I get it. ❤️

I’ve had a slightly similar situation so I can fully empathise with the complexity of it all. I like your plan of talking about your will as a way to possibly talk about hers and I think it would be sensible to ask who her POA will be, if she has one in mind. As one or two people have said, please be very careful. You could indirectly alienate your mum, and this could drive your mum and your brother even closer. He won’t be wanting to rock the boat and may be planning to manipulate your mum to his own end, if he’s not already. I have seen the depths some people will go to in their pursuit of a large sum of money or a huge asset and I think it’s likely he’ll eventually want his hands on that house. From my experience, manbaby behaviours are very entrenched.

Also, are you sure you’re her next of kin?

Yes, I am her NOK as she told me.

You are right about treading lightly. I hate all this, it’s stressful and a worry.

Have you even read any of the OPs posts? It's not the same situation as your "little" brothers at all.

Thank you 🩷🩷

Yeah I agree. Such strange responses. How on earth is it none of OPs business that her mother is being taken advantage of? Of course she has a right to be concerned. Lots of cold hearted posters here who would stand by and watch it unfold and not be concerned. Either that or the threads been found by the menz still living at home with their parents.

Agreed - feels so, so off to me!

I can’t believe people are telling me it’s none of my business when it’s my own mother!

No he's not entitled to sit and play video games all day and do literally nothing else in someone else's house ffs. If he can work full time he can sure as hell help out with house cleaning, cooking and maintenance. He chooses not to because he's utterly selfish.

Yeah, I agree. I said he should contribute and pay for his own stuff etc. I replied to OP saying I agree fully with what she's trying to do. I just know it's difficult.