What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

I can't help because I'd only go out for a meal once with someone who would do that!

I would make as big a show of leaving a tip as she does about getting it removed.

I would step in a pay the tip for all. Hopefully you are modelling the right way to do things and she notices

Could she pay separately if she is the only one to object.

I understand the temptation, but I really just want this anniversary meal to go as smoothly and happily as possible!

My father in law once waited for his 40p change from the £60 he’d put down for a bill of £59.60. Service had been good and it was before the (annoying, imo) adding of “gratuities” to every bill.

i always bring cash to tip if he’s paying now…

I wouldn't go for a meal with somebody so selfish as to put people in such an embarrassing position and spoil the evening.

The only thing I can think to do is insist on separate bills. This really winds me up. Especially when someone’s sat there and spent a small fortune on alcohol and then claims the tip is too much to pay. I’ve been in a situation a few times now splitting the bill where the people taking their turn to pay first have included their share of the tip, and then the last person has just paid whatever’s left on the bill effectively using everyone else’s tips to subsidise their own bill and leaving zero tip.

The right way?

Tipping is outdated and ridiculous in this day and age. Put the price you want people to pay on the sodding menu.

Where is this? UK? US?

Why not just work it out without the tip - that individual pay that amount, and everyone else pay 10% on top of theirs?

It seems quite simple to me.

Why should someone feel obligated to tip if they don't want to??

The 10% British expectation for the tip in fact already feels a bit cheap to people living in countries where a respectable tip for decent service that acknowledges that waitstaff are generally ill-paid begins at 15%.

I'd be tempted to tell the Person of Principle that she either comes prepared to tip or should not come at all.

Surely if everyone else is happy to pay the gratuity, they will just remove her 10% from the bill.
I sympathise with you though as my SIL is really mean and mostly refuses to tip. If we go out for a family meal and she feels like she has to tip, she won't give more than 20p between her, her husband and their 2 children.

She doesn’t really get embarrassed. She has told stories of times when she’s asked for the tip to be removed and has actually seemed quite proud of herself for ‘sticking to her principles’. She’s done it once with me before and I was incredibly embarrassed. Since then I’ve only gone to cheaper places with her where it doesn’t really matter and you can leave coins on the table if you want to.
This upcoming meal is making me anxious!

I had a friend who'd never tip and always order tap water. I was always a but embarrassed, but we always had separate bills, so it wasn't too much of an issue in restaurants tbh. However we aren't friends anymore due to their other quirks

Same, how embarrassing. Fair enough if the service was bad, but just because she 'disagrees' with tipping is awful

UK

When Freda asks the waiter to take off the tip step in to the conversation and tell him to leave it on the bill. I woukd have no qualms in shaming her " Freda is too tight to pay a tip but the rest of us are happy to pay it"

I can't stand tight people.

I would do as you suggested - quietly pay the tip up front.
What else can you do ?

I've got relatives who always grumble loudly in restaurants and I tend to think their idiots - don't they realise that's a good way to guarantee poor service.

Just seems like it will be quite complicated and also probably trigger a conversation about tipping where she will get defensive / preachy on the topic, and I’d really rather the evening not end on that note.
Maybe I am overthinking things, but I am anxious about it.

If she tries it, say loudly and firmly, "The service has been excellent Valerie, I'm happy to tip." Others will agree with you. Speaking up isn't making a scene.

In a loud clear voice “you don’t need to ask for the Service Charge to be removed, I’ll cover yours”

(under your breath “hope you choke on your principles)

I’m not saying she’s obliged to, I’m just asking for ideas about the best ways to handle the situation without any fuss, and without triggering a debate, given that I do want to tip.

Nah I’m with your friend. If I have cash and think the service has been ok or the waiter/food was nice then I’ll tip. In the UK restaurant staff get paid per hour unlike the US, so they aren’t using tips to top on their wages, it’s an added bonus. Plus they have to declare their tips and pay tax on them. Many Job roles people are paid lower and don’t get a tip. So why should restaurant staff? Everyone pay for what they have, no spiltting is the best advice.

The problem with paying the tip up front is that it may not actually get through the system and you’d end up dealing with the service charge being on the bill and trying to sort out that you’d already paid it.

You’ll just have to take charge of splitting the bill and tell the trouble maker that their share doesn’t include any of the tip