What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

Can you just tell her you'll take care of her part of the tip so she is not to worry before going?

Exactly. Peer pressure and sheep comes to mind.

I find it strange you are so excruciatingly embarrassed by her asking for the service fee to be removed. You don’t have to follow that amount - have it taken off, divide the bill and then divide the tip between whoever wants to pay.
I don’t like what should be an extra being added to the bill - it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and I’ve asked for it to be removed when service has actually been bad. But it’s clever of restaurants because they then put the onus on customers to have it removed.
You seem over worried about what serving staff might think of your group because of a simple reasonable request by one guest.

Signing up to a set menu might make the meal go more smoothly in any case for a group of this size?
IMO It’s ok for the person to skip out on their tip but not commandeer everyone else to opt out too. What role are you (vs the tip skipper) in terms of the celebration - who would be considered the host?

This is exactly what I’d do. I can’t bear fucking cheapskates.

I don’t get the issue. Let her take the gratuity off. Split it. The rest of you tip if you want to by just saying oh mines £36 please can I round it up to £40 or whatever

Use your phone calculator to divide the bill. Give everyone a price including the service charge and without and they can make up their own mind without debate. Once everyone who wants to adds tips the bill will likely be covered.

In the UK waiting staff are paid a minimum same wage as many other service roles, there’s no reason someone serving food should be entitled to a tip any more than someone serving on a till in a supermarket who would never get a tip.

Just because other countries (I.e. the USA) use tipping as an excuse to not pay people a minimum wage doesn’t mean we have that problem here, we have much stronger employment laws.

I imagine this won’t wash as it’s the principle.

It’s my parents’ anniversary, she is my sister. My parents chose the venue but I am the one who has coordinated dates and made the booking.

Ive asked for the menu again at the end and told people “pay for what you ate plus 10% tip if you liked the service”

And Ive also divided the bill by the number of guests and also the tip and told them that “it’s £32.50 each or £36 each including tip if you liked the service” And made up the total if necessary to cover the bill myself at the end.

She can’t have principles for how other people spend their money.

I agree I dislike it being automatically added, if they want to be paid 10% more they should just add that to the listed menu cost for each item rather than tag it on at the end.

Is anyone in a position to go and settle the bill away from the table and have everyone pay them? Alternatively, have a conversation with her beforehand explaining that even before it became common to add service to the bill most restaurants charged a service charge for tables of more than 6. If she isn’t the person celebrating then her view not to pay doesn’t trump others views to pay.

I wouldn’t have private conversations with staff about it. That sounds very awkward.

The smoothest way to handle it is to get in first and simply say “can you take off the gratuity please as we like to tip in cash”. Then tip as much as you want in cash. Just do it with a breezy smile. It’s not a big deal.

The only thing I could suggest would be to ask her to request a separate bill when she’s ordering so she can remove it herself. Or id send a blanket message out to the group and say just a heads up we will be splitting the bill equally and including the gratuity, thanks!

Urgh cringe. Sad it’s your sister so you can’t ditch her as you would a friend who was a weirdo cheapskate.

I would just say you pay your share minus tip, I intend to tip the staff. Every time. I’d be embarrassed to leave no tip so i’d do that or not eat out with her.

The difference is that in the U.K. we have a minimum wage (and many companies pay the living wage), whereas in many countries (eg the US), waiters are paid very little and make their living up with tips. In the U.K. it’s also common for the gratuity either not to go direct to the staff, or to be divided equally among the staff as an extra. Hence the smaller tip levels.

She’s done it once with me before and I was incredibly embarrassed. Since then I’ve only gone to cheaper places with her where it doesn’t really matter and you can leave coins on the table if you want to.

Can you explain to me why you think it is compulsory to tip someone working in one restaurant, but a waiter or waiter doing the same job in a different restaurant doesn't need to be tipped ?

That makes even less sense than this warped idea of 'having' to tip one or two of the jobs that are paid NMW, but not the many other people you come into contact with who are paid NMW.

I seriously object to the tip being automatically added to the bill. IF I'm going to tip I'll tip because I want to and how much I want to

Good for her sticking to her decision and not being railroaded into it

I'm sure plenty people ask for it to be removed. Either ask for it to be removed and the rest of you can tip or split hers between you

I dislike the assumption that a 10% service charge is automatically added to your bill. I’d prefer a restaurant increased their prices by 10% and then you decide if you want to eat there by their prices.
i will leave a tip if I feel the service has been better than good, but only then. I will not pay an additional service charge for ok service.

This doesn’t help you as you want minimum fuss, but I was a waitress for 9 years so I ask the staff whether the tip comes to them or not. I’m not interested in tipping a large business, so I’d ask that the auto gratuity that goes to the business itself is removed so I can tip the staff cash in hand.

If she does not want to pay the tip fine but she does not decide for everyone. Just get her to pay her share and split the tip between the rest of the group. If the tip gets removed just leave cash on the table (make sure she does not sneakily grabs it herself).

I agree with everyone who objects to the tip being added to the bill.

The restaurant needs to openly advertise their prices on the menu and expect no more money than that price. If customers then choose to leave the waiting staff a tip, that is up to them. Restaurants should not be embarrassing people into handing over money they don't owe.