What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

OP, I’d ask her beforehand to pay separately so that she can decline the gratuity if she wants. Then when you want to get the bill, just nip quietly over to the servers and discreetly ask for her bill to be brought direct to her, and for the rest to be added in a different bill. Then if she wants to make a scene about not paying the gratuity, she can do so all in her own right in front of everyone, but the rest of you don’t have to join in.

Let each person pay you for theireal including the 10 percent tip and the meanie just pay you for the meal then you pay overall bill on your card so avoid embarrassment.

Just let her pay what her actual meal and drink is and then cover her 10%.

I must admit I do hate places that automatically add a tip. We have minimum wage here and lots of people work minimum wage jobs and don’t get tips.

Good service is the minimum required and expected. Above and beyond is what is tip worthy. Not well yes Johnny did bring the food with a smile and came back after 15 minutes to ask if everything was ok.

I’ll tip for amazing service (or large table) not for doing the basic bare minimum job requirement.

The menu does say that 100% of the gratuity is split between the staff.

Thanks, I like your ideas @TheTwenties and @Gribbit987 and @caringcarer. I could probably settle it myself on my credit card, and the cash tip could also work, although it still might trigger a conversation I’d rather avoid, but I suppose I can’t control that really.

For those asking, I have explained my position on tipping in my OP. I knew some of you would agree with her, and that’s fine, I’m not really looking to debate it, just looking for ideas to avoid awkwardness on all sides.

I would refrain from going out to eat with that person.

Oh I see it’s a family event. Maybe split without showing her the bill.

Or if she asks to remove it ask the rest of the family “hey gang I know Debbie is tight fisted but do you want to chip in on service”?

But I always tip wait staff unless service is bad / there is no service.

Cant you just say to her before the event “please don’t ask to have the tip removed from the bill. I am going to take care of it.”

Be upfront and say.. would
you like to be included in the tip and if she says no then get her to pay the amount without the tip. Don’t worry about it, it’s. It not your drama. If she wants to talk about tipping, just carry on another conversation and ignore her.

The tipping in cash’s suggestion above may well not work - many restaurants aren’t accept to accept cash tips these days.

I sympathise though as I too find people being tight about the bill excruciatingly embarrassing and can’t bear quibbling over who owes what.

I suggest that you as the organising sister take yourself off to the toilet after you have had coffee and pay the full bill on your way back. You can then return to the table and and say you’ve sorted it because you didn’t want to interrupt the flow of the lovely evening you are all having and ask them to send you whatever it was divided by 10 is that is how it is being paid for.

I think you need to tackle your sister - send her a message like “hi sister, all sorted for the anniversary dinner. But as we’re a large group there’s a flat 10% service charge. So are you happy with that or shall we try to find another restaurant that doesn’t do that? Mum and dad want this place so I think we suck it up and don’t make a fuss. Wanted agreement in advance so there’s no awkwardness at the end of the night for mum and dad. I’ve debated just saying I’ll pay that and everyone else covers their meals and drinks or do you think it’s ok to ask everyone to split it?” See what she comes back with.

I would allow her to ask for it you be removed and just say at that point I’ll tip as cash.

She shouldn’t be making the choice for the whole group, her principles may be not to tip; but they don’t override the principles of others who want to thank the staff.

I think you’re worrying too much about this.

It’s only you who feels embarrassed about it, and this is your friend’s relationship to tipping and to the restaurant you’re talking about - absolutely none of your business.

What IS your business is being aware of your feelings so you don’t let them get in the way of the evening.

Let yourself feel the embarrassment, remind yourself your friend’s attitude to tipping is nothing to do with you, tip as you please and allow others to tip as they please.

Anxiety can come out as controlling and tbh i think you’re trying to overly control/engineer a situation to avoid feeling your feelings.

What do you think happens if cash is left on the table? They bin it?!

Some establishments don’t like to have a physical till, have to bank money, hold money and offer change etc. So they don’t accept cash for the goods. But of course you can tip in cash for service.

I agree.
I would just allow the tight fisted person to embarras themselves, tell the waiting staff to remove the service charge just for said person and just pay my part of the tip along with everyone else.

There is really no need to get anxious about someone else's poor behaviour.

Although, I think @Gribbit987's idea is even better.

*Cant you just say to her before the event “please don’t ask to have the tip removed from the bill. I am going to take care of it.”

Or even better say “Please don't embarras me and our parents by asking to have the tip removed from the bill.”

What the heck is chealskating about paying the bill. Serivr charge should be included on the menu.

That’s a good idea. Thank you!

If this is in the UK then tips are not necessary. Waiting staff are paid as any other service worker is.

@Gribbit987 of course they don’t bin it but individual staff are often not allowed to keep it for themselves. You then create a situation for them where they have to find something appropriate to do with this money when you could have just paid on card like a normal person in 2025

Exactly.

Many minimum wage staff don't get tipped EVER. Take the health service.

Did you ever tip the healthcare assistant who cleaned up your poorly grandmother in hospital? The porter who moved her bed to where she needed to go? The hostess who gave her regular cups of tea? The cleaner who you probably didn't ever see.

I'll be glad when tipping is no longer fashionable. These posh restaurants are making a fortune on alcohol alone. They are taking us all for mugs.

You’re probably right. Thank you. I have outspoken family (we all get on, just several people like to debate and be ‘right’) and I think my response has been to take on the role of peacekeeper, maybe for my own sake!

Most restaurants have a compulsory gratuity for groups more than 6. Groups are far harder for restaurants despite the higher spend hence the charge

What a stubborn principled arse she is

😂 haha thank you, this made me laugh!

I think my response has been to take on the role of peacekeeper, maybe for my own sake!

yep i can see that. But it doesn’t really do you any favours - it’s actually exhausting going round these loops of anxiety and trying to anticipate others’ behaviour and control the situation. Think how much lighter and free you’d feel if you weren’t doing all that extra work! :)

I’m not getting why so many PP are against tipping. For a very long time a 10-15% tip has been fairly standard, even as far back as me being a waitress in the 1990s/2000s! (And yes this was in the north, not just in that london).

It sounds like this is a special meal so presumably in a nice place where you expect to tip (obviously not if service is poor). I’d get on the front foot, esp if your parents would happily tip. I hope you have a lovely celebration of a special event.

My sister is the kind of person who would do that. She made such a fuss about not tipping last time we ate out I haven't eaten out with her since.