What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

I would take some cash and pay the tip myself. If your sister asks for the service charge to be removed, you can just hand the money to your server yourself. If she starts to make a fuss or criticise you, just cut her off with 'not now DS, it's mum & dad's anniversary'.

Agreed. Everyone gets a not ungenerous minimum wage these days (at least).

However in the interests of not rocking the boat, in your case OP you could take cash for the tip and do what you suggest - ask them in advance to remove the service charge and say you'll leave them a cash tip separately. You could even tell them that you have a family member who objects to tips so you just want to make everything run smoothly.

I’m not sure about trying to cover the service charge before hand. You won’t know what it’s going to be and they’re unlikely to have a system for it so are somewhat likely to forget to remove the charge when the bill comes anyway, which would make things even more awkward and give your sister a bigger soap box.

The three possibilities I can think of that will result in the least fuss:

Have a word with your sister before hand and say you’ll cover her tip but please could she not go n about it. This only works if she’s happy with that sort of arrangement and her purpose in refusing service charges/tipping isn’t to visibly protest.

Alternatively, when it comes time to ask for the bill, say immediately “Please leave off the service charges, we’ll add our own tip.” Which saves any discussion at the table and gives you all the ability to reward service as you see fit.

Accept the bill as is, when asking people for their contribution calculate the split for both the pre-service charge amount and the total and say “It’s £X, £Y if you want to tip.” And then make up the rest of the service charge that others do not want to pay yourself.

I think people are underestimating waiting staff - I think they are entirely capable of making a note and remove a service charge! And you can remind them when you ask for the bill anyway and say quietly that you are leaving a cash tip.

As for not knowing what it is in advance - well the whole point is that it's voluntary so it can be any amount. And you could pay it quietly at the end anyway.

There is an argument that a service charge should only be applied to the food, too.

As I said, I had no qualms about ditching my own sister in that scenario. Mind you, there are also other reasons for me to have very limited contact with her.

Reading the posts, it's often because in UK restaurant staff all get paid at least NMW (sometimes higher). The tips are not part of their salary as they are in the USA. But many other incredibly important jobs are done by people on NMW - think staff in a care home, the cleaners in your office toilets etc. They never get tips.

Interesting about restaurants not taking cash tips. My hairdresser is now the other way round and will only take cash tips, you don't add to a card payment. Not sure what the reason is.

If restaurants paid staff a decent wage you wouldn’t need to feel that you have to tip them

Tipping allows this to continue

I admire this woman for sticking with her morals and not being spineless and sucking it up as you put it

Exactly. We have a strange attitude in this country:

Hospitality staff must receive tips. But it's ok if they work Sundays.

Retail staff can't work Sundays, what about family time. But nobody would ever tip them.

I guess there is a consistency of sorts there but it is odd!

I think you’re overworrying because I’m sure the staff have had people ask to remove it before. It won’t be unusual. She’ll ask for it to be removed, you all pay your share plus whatever you want to tip - thats ok isn’t it? Take cash to leave as a tip if you want to make sure the staff can see that, despite her asking for it to be removed, they have received a tip from the rest of you.

I never tip for a service in the UK . I am sure you would love being with me!

Having said that I would just pay separately.

I think we have the same (ex) friend 🫣

Have a look at the terms of booking - a lot of places say that for parties of X or more a service charge is added.

You could flag that beforehand amd state upfront that you won't be covering her share so she as the option to withdraw if she isn't happy to pay it

I've got no time for people who don't tip, especially people who make a song and dance about it.

Unless you've had an awful experience, you should be putting your hand in your pocket for the person who's been running around after you all night.

With that said, while I don't mind a mandatory service charge for large groups, I don't like the discretionary charge being added to the bill automatically, especially when I have no way of knowing how that money is distributed.

I’ve waitressed and worked in a supermarket and restaurant work is much harder graft and longer hours tbh! A lot of people wouldn’t do it without the added bonus of tips on top of the minimum wage, much easier working 9-6 in a shop than when I was working 10-10 shifts on my feet every Saturday and Sunday. I also had to work every special occasion, Christmas Eve / Day, NYE, Mother’s Day etc.
Tipping is always optional of course and usually we would just shrug it off if someone chose not to tip, it wasn’t that big a deal.

I tip the person who does my nails, my hairdresser and my mum tips her cleaner.

People like that suck the joy out of life

Tips and service charge now have to go 100% to the staff (we pay tax and NI of course). The service charge is usually split between everyone on shift which is much fairer, as kitchen staff get it too. When it was all cash tips it would often go in someone’s pocket and some would miss out.

Blimey we must know the same person, does her name begin with S?
So embarrassing isn’t it, I’m never going back to that restaurant.

They might not be declaring their cash tips - have to pay tax / NI on tips.

This makes it even worse as to how rude of a guest she is.

My sympathies to you, your parents, and the other guests.

I have very mixed feelings about tipping in the UK. And I was a waitress for many years.

We have a minimum wage here - most of the people on it don’t get tips.

I think it is extremely cheeky for restaurants to add it on automatically. I have once asked for it to be removed because it was a buffet restaurant and all the staff had done was bring one round of drinks. That was unbelievable cheek.

However if I go somewhere really nice and the service is good I do usually tip. If it wasn’t I certainly wouldn’t tip.

As a waitress I never expected it - my employer paid me not customers. However it was always appreciated.

The biggest tip I ever had was £10 for working NYE and the table it came from were so lovely and polite that it was completely unnecessary- they were some of the best people I had ever had the pleasure of serving even before the tip.

In your case - just ask for separate bills.

I'm not a fan of a 10% tip being added to the bill. Fuck. Off. I've paid for what I've consumed, if the service was good enough to warrant a tip then I'm perfectly capable of adding it myself.

I don't like making a fuss unless needed though so even if service is just OK, I leave the pre-added tip alone.

I've asked several times for a service charge to be removed though, all in cases where service was really very poor - a 40 minute wait for dessert was one, a surly waitress who slammed several dishes down another time. Nope. I have zero shame over it in those instances, any shame belongs to the business for providing shitty service.

But I am putting my hand in my pocket, I'm paying an agreed price from the menu.

Why be sneaky and say "service charge of 10%" if its not part of the bill.

Charge £5.50 instead of £5

As someone who's always worked in hospitality, I don't understand the drama. If someone doesn't want to pay. Remove their 10%.

I promise you its not embarrassing and no one working will bat an eyelid.

She doesn't tip. You do if you wish