What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

Ill tip if its already added on to the bill to save the hassle. But honestly I dont agree with tipping at restaurants. They get paid a wage to do their job. Would you tip a cashier? A receptionist? My sister is a waitress, im a marketing manager, she earns more than me and just lives off her tips because she gets so much.

Retail / shop workers are low paid & don’t get tips …

I’d just tell them you’d rather the service charge was left as it is and if necessary pay their share.

I’m not sure actually if with large groups a service charge is mandatory

She’s doesn’t get to decide to remove the tip for the entire party? If she wants her portion removed, so be it, but the rest of you can still pay it if you wish. And yes, I always tip if the service has been good, because I’ve been a waitress and it’s bloody hard graft.

It’s legal to have a mandatory service charge as long as it is specified in writing or verbally ahead of time

I kind of agree … only exception maybe someone working unsocial hours who have families at home
but then retail workers often work Sundays, sometimes inti the evening depending on shop

I always pay my hair dresser in cash. I’ve joked with her so she doesn’t need to worry about declaring it 😅

Tipping is just not a good way to do things, I'm with your sister. I live in a country with no tipping and life is so easy and simple and do you know what, the service staff get paid really well. Weekends often have a compulsory surcharge of 10 or 15 per cent because the staff get paid double on a Sunday. Tipping is just getting the public to subsidise shit wages that the business owner doesn't want to pay. Most service charges do not go to the staff at all. Do you want us to be like America, where they get paid fuck all?

Either suck it up and cover the tip on her behalf, as it's your choice to subsidise the wages so the owner can get rich, or be a big girl and ask for it to be removed, then all pay what you want. The more people who ask for it to be removed, the less venues will have this stupid service fee.

Same!

I'm afraid I would make a big show if saying "Amanda doesn't like tipping, everyone, so let's split the tip between seven rather than eight - ok with you, Amanda?" Put the embarrassment back on her, stingy cow.

Ok, well that's not as hard as it could be. If it was one of your parents who is the tight arse then I can see it would be tricky as you wouldn't want to upset or antagonise them on their big day. On that case, the discreet behind the scenes way would probably have been best.

However, as it is your sister, and since you are the one who has made the arrangements, I think I would be tempted to just front this out. If she asks for the gratuity to be removed you step in and say "No, please leave it on". After all, she doesn't get to make the decision for all of you surely? Then when the bill arrives ask who is prepared to contribute to the service charge and split the full amount between those who agree. Admittedly this means that some of you might end up paying a little bit more; but if, for the sake of argument, 9 of you agree and she is the only one who doesn't it won't be much. The point being, I think, that you show her you all think her stance is mean and unreasonable and you would rather all step in and cover her meanness even if it is at your own personal expense

I'm happy to tip, but don't like it being added automatically. I usually leave 10%.
I understand you don't want to cause a fuss, but what would happen if the service isn't great? Just because it's expensive doesn't automatically mean you'll get great service!

X post and you put it so much more succinctly than me!

It’s not to be sneaky, and the restaurant would have to charge you at least £6.60, not £5.50 as 20% VAT would have to be charged. This is the reason why so many restaurants now charge a service charge. It’s actually a way of avoiding making your bills more expensive as it means staff get a wage closer to the one they deserve without passing the hugely expensive VAT and employment costs onto the customer.

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

I would do this. I would ask them to add the tip to my portion of the bill.

Oh just saw it is your sister. When she tries it step in and say "NO. not going to happen this time. We will split the bill evenly. If you want me to cover the 4 pounds that is your portion of the tip, I will do it"

Why is everyone dancing to her tune?

I've never understood this way of thinking, though.

In many other transactions, they give you a bulk discount for bringing a big group of customers and/or buying a large amount of stuff; they don't charge you extra as a 'punishment' (and disincentive) for giving them too much business.

Cafes and diners that are en-route to popular destinations will usually give coach drivers/couriers a free meal (and maybe more free stuff) as a thank-you for choosing to stop there and bringing 50 highly-valued customers in all at once. Going on this principle, they would be doing everything in their power to discourage coach drivers from choosing to stop there with a bus-full of people.

Oh you are quite right that it is illogical, but I am physically unable to stiff somebody on the tip no matter what country I'm in. It's the whole dining subculture thing. And my own history as a waitress.

A group of 10 is completely different to a coach party where 50 people are separated into smaller groups of 2’s or 4’s. A big group want their meals all served at the same time. Then they often want to split the bill and all pay separately, which often results in the odd item being left off unpaid as people forget what they drank and ate. It is a lot more work.

how are you splitting the bill? Is it being divided by 10? Are you and your sister each paying half?

if the plan was to split things evenly among the party? I would call the restaurant and see if they do separate checks. Many systems make this quite simple as long as you tell them before you start ordering. This will also avoid any difficulty over someone ordering something quite expensive while someone else is t trying to economize.

if you and your sister are splitting, then step away as the meal winds down and ask them to generate two bills, each for half the bill, one with no gratuity and one with 20%.

This and what @5foot5 and @PonyPatter44 said. There are 9 of you and 1 of her. She doesn't get to dictate the whole bill. When she asks for the tip to be removed, I would say to the server, 'No, don't do that as everyone else is fine with paying it. Could you make up a separate bill for Principled Patty with just her items, and we'll divide everything else between us?' Be calm and polite but also firm and assertive. Get someone to role play it with you before the night.

Always tipped years ago... when there was no such thing as service charge. However, my understanding is that the 'service charge' that's now added to bills IS the 'tip'. So surely you pay the service charge or a tip - not both?

The only instance where I would pay both is if it's been a booking for a large party and our dedicated waiter/ess has gone above and beyond. In this case, I would pay the service charge to the restaurant and also give the waiter a cash tip. But for a regular meal out, no.

I have a friend like this and I hate going for meals with her. It’s such dick behaviour, everyone else tips, she just doesn’t like an ass hat that she is. I think we usually work out our own food from main bill, add own 10% and then when she doesn’t fine, it’s then just a few quid less than the total that includes added tip. Often most people round up anyway so her lack of contribution isn’t noticed.

its selfish though.

I meet a friend for lunch once a month and the pub has recently changed their bill system so that now each person paying their share of the bill can add a tip of their choice. Perfect in OPs situation. We just add a tip, round up to be sure, and split the total.

If you’re splitting the bill then just all pay separately, and leave it to her to say ‘can you take the gratuity off of mine’ - I’m sure they can manage that.

don’t be embarrassed, it’s not a big deal.

Completely agree. I remember working in a MW job (call centre) and yet it would be expected of me to tip a waiter earning possibly the same or more than me. I’d deal with some realy difficult calls and the best I would get is a thank you. No tips or free food for me! I’ve worked as a waitress too and 100% preferred that.

I used to live in the States and it’s different there. Some servers were only getting paid a few dollars an hour so needed tips to make it up to minimum wage or higher. I don’t know why they’re bringing this into the UK.

Many Americans aren’t even happy with the tipping culture. It’s not a good thing. Fair enough if it’s completely optional but when it becomes expected or service charges etc are slapped on it’s not great.