What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

You could remove the service charge and then everyone else (assuming they’re happy to) pays a tip that amounts to whatever the service charge is.

As pp said it’s not a big deal, it doesn’t have to be anyway.

This. It makes no sense in the UK context.

And do they even declare it as part of their earnings for HMRC?

As a waitress if I got tipped I’d say thanks and be glad of course, but I never felt entitled to it or gave it a second thought if someone didn’t tip me.

At some places the staff don't get the full 10% shared between them. The restuarant owners hold some back for breakage, and the staff might not see it for months.

Perhaps ask them to take the tip off, then tip in cash, also ask if the kitchen staff get a share.

People have explained in lots of posts.

Two trains of thought.

Some people aren't against tipping, just against the really poor habit of some restaurants automatically adding a tip to the bill in the hope there will be lots of people (like OP) who pay it out of embarrassment. Many of those posters have said they would likely leave a tip of their own choosing, but don't want to be forced into it.

Some other people have explained that there is no logical reason at all why people in a small minority of jobs expect to be tipped, when the vast majority of people on exactly the same wage as them do not get given tips. Call centre workers, supermarket staff, people who are carers, Nursery staff, hospital porters, the people who clean the bus station, or indeed the office cleaners, people who dig graves, retail staff, and many, many, many more.

Im pretty aure they dont declare it they just get it in cash at the end of each night. My sister makes hundreds a week in tips, she once made 200 in one day on top of her wage. I dont understand why people think its outrageous not to tip?!

I agree… I’m genuinely perplexed by the concept of tipping! We don’t live in a country where people working in hospitality rely on tips to make a minimum wage. People are being paid a minimum wage for their job, and without meaning to sound rude or disrespectful, the expectation should be that they provide a good level of service- it’s what they’re being paid for? The people paying the bill are just as likely to earn the same wage as the waiting staff, so I don’t understand why they should pay extra on top of the bill for a service they’re already paying for (and for which the waiting staff are getting paid fairly for)
I also don’t understand why if we tip someone for serving us in a cafe, why other professions on very low wages get overlooked? (I’ve never heard of those who work in care homes for the elderly, or hospital porters getting tips for instance).
I’d genuinely welcome explanations for why we should tip which aren’t simply along the lines of “being tight/mean isn’t nice” (I don’t view it as tight or mean). I’ve previously spent many years working in various bar/waiting jobs too by the way

Yup I’ve had the same experience as I worked NMW jobs when I was younger in restaurants. The tips were always a bonus.

I get in the states it’s different but I can’t even get my head around them not paying a basic minimum wage. But when I do go, I tip as I know they’ll only be paid a couple of bucks. I hate service charges. I worked in a high end restaurant that did this, the service charge didn’t go to staff. They just kept it, especially easy to do if someone paid on card.

I recently went to my chemist and paid with card and to my amusement I was asked on the card machine if I wanted to give a tip…. WTF 🤣

We had to declare our tips when the tax thing came out, it was an upscale wine bar in a shop. Must have been in 2007/8. After that they stopped doing tips and it went to charity. People left as they had been getting £400/500 a month extra on top of their wages.

I’m a fairly generous tipper but I dislike the 10 percent / 15 percent added to bills
If it comes up on the card machine I will ask for it to be taken off

but most of the time I will pay in cash and leave a large cash tip direct to the waitress/ waiter bar staff

we went out for a meal last weekend just the two of us and I tipped the waitress a tenner on a bill of around £100 which and that’s about what they would want if I paid by card

Christmas when there are more of us it’s normally 20 -30 in cash as a tip depending on how many of us there are

I even tipped at one of those all you can eat buffet places as the waitress was dealing with our drinks all night
she was really surprised I think to get a tenner as I think in these all you can eat places people don’t tend to tip much

The only problem I can see js that some places have a mandatory 10 percent charge if your a large group

But surely the 50 people will all be wanting to eat at pretty much the same time - even if they sit on separate tables and order/pay separately. The coach won't usually stop for long enough to allow people to stagger their ordering and eating over a few hours.

And the same is surely true in busy restaurants: lots of people all wanting their food at pretty much the same time.

There's nothing wrong with restaurants refusing to split bills and making this clear from the start - that one person will have to pay the whole bill and then they settle it separately between themselves.

Yes, it might put some groups off and lose them custom; but, as with any business, when setting their policies, they have to work out whether the inconvenience and risks cancel out the increase in spending they receive.

What happens if a group of 10 come in and the organiser/booker makes it clear that they are covering the whole bill, so it will be straightforward, quick and easy to administer and no risk of items going unpaid for - will the restaurant then decide not to add the service charge that they automatically added to cover common issues that are not going to arise?!

I dislike the automatic gratuity charge, as I'm never convinced the tip goes to the servers/chef. However, I always tip - in bars, for meals out, taxi drivers and hairdressers mostly. But that's just how I've been brought up. And my tips as a barmaid in my uni days made a hell of a difference to me. If I've received good service, it's just automatic.

I do understand the viewpoint people have raised about others working at minimum wage. However, I know first hand how awful working with customers can be, so I try to balance it out wherever possible. I'm sure a LOT of people will disagree, but that's just my opinion. As a side note, I wish everyone had to work in some sort of service/customer service role for a week - it'd be truly eye opening for them.

I also don’t understand why if we tip someone for serving us in a cafe, why other professions on very low wages get overlooked? (I’ve never heard of those who work in care homes for the elderly, or hospital porters getting tips for instance).

A lot of NMW jobs will actively forbid their workers from accepting any kind of gratuity other than maybe a very small token gift.

By contrast, there are all of these restaurants adding 10-15% on to the amount spent for the waiter/ess - which could run to a great deal of money with a big group who are going at the expensive wines - and then also accepting/soliciting/hoping for an additional tip on top of that, which many people will either pay because they haven't realised that a service charge has already been added or because they are embarrassed at being called a tightwad who is embarrassing everybody else and spoiling a lovely meal out for everybody if they don't!

This sounds like the best way to do it.
I really dislike the tip being added on to the bill. Tipping should be a choice for customers. Having to ask for it to be removed is awkward and feels mean.
I always tip unless the service has been very bad but I want that to be my decision.

Mr.Pink doesn't tip
Reservoir dogs film for those that don't know.

Right way according to whom? Yes I would pay but doesn't mean I am right and another wrong

In this case I would ask for separate bills, then she can be stingy with her own and hopefully everyone else tips

You took the words right out of my mouth. Why do we continue to accept this concept as a thing?

If the menu prices are not enough to pay staff the living wage, cover the other overheads and the appropriate mark up then the menus need revisiting!

Amazing how people have been conned to add 10-18% extra to their bill, for fear of being called cheap.

Even in the states where - rightly or wrongly - the servers depend on tips for their actual wage, I just tip a fiver. That seems about right for the amount of time they spent with me. It's totally irrelevant how much my meal cost. And if they get a fiver from every diner, that's a very decent hourly wage.

Get everyone to take and pay in cash. One person is responsible for collecting the cash and handing it over without asking for any change.

I’m no help as I’m with the family member. Tipping or not is my choice not theirs, unless it’s specified as mandatory due to group size. We live in a country with minimum wage and awards. I will decide if the advice was worth tipping, I do t appreciate it being added by stealth.

Agree with you! Your money your choice! I see US tipping is different but no one else does there job and can whack on an extra amount when they want to. They get paid for the job they do. They don’t deserve extra at all.

In the US you are not tipping your server.

The server has to split the tip with the other staff. So if you have had a drink from the bar the server has to tip the barman, if a bus boy clears your table then the server has to tip them too.

So that fiver may end up as only £1.

Exactly.

I follow the social norms of the country I am in. In the UK, it is customary to tip waiting staff and not supermarket staff or healthcare staff. Thus I do it, unless service has been awful.

It is so embarrassing to be around people who don’t tip on principle.

What is everybody else in your party thinking? Why are you shouldering the embarrassment on your own?