People who ring repeatedly when you don’t answer

[Chocolatesplease]

Aibu to think that people who ring you over and over again when you don’t answer are rude, attention seeking and a bit weird? Unless of course it’s an emergency.

If I don’t answer the first call, what makes them think I’m going to answer the 2nd 3rd or 10th time?

Sometimes I’m having a shower or my phone is in another room on charge and I’ll go to it and there’ll be 20 missed calls. Or I might be at work. Any number of reasons why I can’t answer.

It’s a certain few people who do this.

Mobile phones have missed call notifications, so it’s obvious that someone will ring back when they can.

Needing to know where everyone is and contacting them under the threat if they don't respond quickly enough for you then your behaviour will escalate even to damaging property certainly is abusive even if your intentions from your pov are protective.

How on earth am I supposed to do that? I’m not a professional. But you’re asking me how to fix it and obviously whatever you have tried so far isn’t working. You are incredibly lucky that your friends and family put up with this type of behaviour. Personally, I think they are enabling you. I don’t know one person in my life who would stand for this behaviour.

Just to add, I am no stranger to anxiety or trauma. But I try my damned hardest not to make it anybody else’s problem

I don't need to know where they are i need to know their alive

So im sure you understand not everyone's anxiety and trauma is the same

Repeatedly ringing someone because you think you deserve their immediate attention is totally rude

@WhereIsMyJumper TBH the only people that repeatedly ring are the hospital (DH has multiple health issues) or potentially family with something so urgent or delicate that a message would be inappropriate.

But do you reply back when she texts or do you ignore it as i feel this is the difference

How on earth?! There are very obviously times when people would be unable to answer a phone no matter how many times someone insisted on calling.
One call should be enough to let someone know you are trying to contact them.

Working the same hours and I’d go apeshit with repeat offenders or started calling them every hour in the night as “they would be getting up soon anyway”

But you said you know everyone's routine so well you know when to call them.... that's not normal or right.

This dynamic is not healthy, your friends and family enabling this dysfunction are not being great, they're setting you up for even more emotional trauma. Your expectations are not tenable for the long term because one of them will die.

My ex sil had this from her parents.

Sometimes she would be napping upstairs in her house when she was pregnant. Her mother would come by unannounced and ring the doorbell. Ex sil sometimes heard the be sometimes not. If she didn't, then her mother would keep her finger on the doorbell, ring her mobile and get her husband to call the landline all at the same time.

I reply back or call back when it is convenient for me. She is totally fine with that and it works the same the other way around.

Of course not everybody’s anxiety or trauma is the same but there is never an excuse for making it everyone else’s problem like you are doing. Sure, people can support you if they so choose but your behaviour really is quite extreme.
I mean, look - if your friends and family really are happy to accommodate it then who am I to argue. I just know I would find this type of behaviour absolutely suffocating

Well you know the saying mental health matters until someone starts showing symptoms on their illness

If they're dead on the floor your actions won't make them alive again!

What if you ring someone who's driving and can't answer?

That’s not the saying. Mental health DOES matter hugely. But individuals need to be empowered to seek their own treatments and try and fix their own minds as best as they can. You cannot treat mental
health issues by relying on everyone else to modify their behaviour to make you feel more comfortable.

Have you ever considered that your behaviour negatively impacts on other people’s mental health? It would on mine! So whose is more important?

Why would someone not be able to answer when driving. I don't know anyone who can't answer their phone through their car

Old cars won't have Bluetooth.

But im literally talking about the people im closest to so I know what cars they have im not talking about random and aquatinces

My Dad does this too, I feel like my phone needs to be in my hand ready to answer whatever I'm doing, whether In in the shower, on the loo, driving, just sat down...but...he is in his 80's and probably panics if he can't get hold of me

But it’s not just about not being able to answer…. Maybe they just won’t want to answer! Maybe they are at a juicy part of an audiobook, or halfway through a decent tune or what if they’re enjoying the silence? What if they’re trying to listen to the satnav or they’re having an in depth chat with another passenger in the car or what if they’ve got terrible wind and have been merrily farting the whole journey but don’t want you to hear it? What if they’re already on the phone to someone else? What if they’re feeling overwhelmed with their own mental health and went for a drive to clear their head? Or a whole host of other reasons? Do you really think that you’re incessant need to check they’re not dead should more important than whatever they’ve got going on?

I don’t really like receiving a phonecall when I’m driving, it’s distracting

For most (all) of those things my ‘phone would either not be with me but in another room, or on silent. So no message would be sent. As posted above, a phone is for the convenience of the owner of it, and there should be no expectation of an answer, let alone an immediate one. Sure, if it’s with me and convenient to answer I will, but otherwise I will be in touch when it’s convenient for me. And please, don’t then send a string of voice notes. I never listen to voice notes that are more than 10 seconds long 🤣🤣

There are plenty of times it’s distracting or dangerous to answer a phone while driving. Here’s a thought; how would you feel if it transpired that your incessant calls to someone driving had resulted in a momentary lapse of concentration and a pile up on a motorway, with casualties and deaths?

People hark back to the days of landlines and I grew up with them but the difference then was that we weren’t contactable all the time. If you were out/at work/driving etc people just couldn’t get hold of you. Also if you were sleeping/didn’t hear the phone/were hoovering or even in a different part of the house and don’t get to the phone in time, you just didn’t get the call. I don’t remember anyone ringing us repeatedly again and again.