Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Would you be happy if he took them on his own to see his family?

It’s a shame but completely normal. Would be different if you had kids together but as it stands, you’re neither family by blood nor marriage & I can totally understand why they would want to stop. Invariably he will meet someone else & they will want to bond with her. You and your kids would be an encumbrance - it doesn’t mean they didn’t like or care for you, just that they are his family. Not yours.

Why on earth would you think after a divorce you would still be staying with his family?
imagine how awkward that would be for everyone involved.
Imagine it the other way round, do you expect your family to still host for 2-3 weeks?

fair enough if he is still involved with your children I can see why you’d think your children would still be going

Is he taking a new partner?

Why would his family still have you to holiday with them? You’re divorced. The most you could expect would be that he would take the kids, if he wanted to continue in the step-father role, if he saw the kids as his own. I know a few divorced couples in that situation; the man raised the kids but they weren’t his and he decided to continue being their dad so they split custody. But both sides wanted it. The kids would then holiday with step dad same as they holidayed with mum, but not together.

It’s a shame that he has decided not to continue in the role of dad, especially if he fully took on that role during your marriage. That’s hard for the kids and I would consider getting some family counselling for you and them to help with those emotions. But, you can’t expect to have continued going on the holidays, even if he did take the kids. And now you have to accept that he will not continue to act in the father role so the kids won’t be going either and his family won’t continue contact with you.

Do you not think the kids might feel a bit uneasy without you there?

It may be quite awkward because people will be tip toeing around the subject or your kids may feel guilty that you’re not there etc

How old are your kids and how long have you been together?

Obviously you would not be invited to go and I wouldn’t expect the kids to be invited this year (I expect a lot of the conversations will be about the relationship ending) but if he has raised them for years then I personally would still invite them in the future.

Why would they invite you? You aren’t part of their family any more.

You let him be their father figure without adopting them, blended families can be harmful for children in so many different ways, being able to discard unrelated children is just one of them.

Nah sorry OP. Totally normal. You and your children aren't related to them. I really wouldn't expect much from your ex in the future either.
Sounds like they've been very generous over the years so maybe just be happy with all the memories & look into booking your own holidays for your children.

You still expected to go on a free holiday with your ex husband. Are you mad.

Sorry I don’t like to be rude to people who are having a rough time and don’t like “kicking someone when they’re down” but this is crazy! You cannot expect your Inlaws to have a relationship with you and the kids after you separate! Their loyalty is with their brother/son why would they “choose” you over their own blood? There is no way this would be normal. If they were his kids then I totally get your upset but no way is this normal to continue having a relationship. I would in your position try making sure your kids have lots of play dates over summer with your side of the family or your friends so they don’t feel a difference in the summer. Good luck!

Sorry, but this is part of getting divorced. The family wants a clean break from you. Make plans to take your children somewhere as a family of three.

I think you need to have a proper discussion about what their relationship with him will be going forward. Ad hoc is unsettling for children. Either he is their de facto father and they maintain proper contact or he isn’t and they cut ties. If he is, you should consider him adopting them and becoming formally their Dad. He would then take his kids to the US to see their adopted family.

Still understandable.

Your expectations of tagging along - for some very strange reasons - are probably making it a lot worst.

They might have a better relationship if you are taking a massive step back.

Bit of a shame if it's the end of the actual relationship too. I think your ex-DH is absolutely right, making it very clear about boundaries and new dynamic.

Once you get that, you might give them a chance to have a relationship without you.

Unless he’s adopted them then he has no moral obligation to take the kids. I’m seriously surprised you think you’d get an invite again.

It’s not cruel. It’s normal. You can’t divorce him and still expect him to be a father figure for your kids. I say this with kindness not malice. I really don’t understand your thought process I’m so sorry I’m really trying to.

Would you have booked flights and turned up if you had not received that short Whatsapp message?

Wow the entitlement!

If I were him or his family I'd be doing exactly the same. Not sure why you expected to still sponge off them and feel like you've been wronged.

@Singineletricdreams it’s unfortunate but kind if expected. What is a littl off is if he is just letting his family assume they won’t see the kids rather than being honest and telling them he has told you they/you are not welcome. But it sounds like you need a conversation around whether he expects to continue any contact with your kids or not. Maybe in future he will take them if he wants to continue contact. But it’s a bit of a stretch to think you could go, too.

I split from my partner 6 weeks ago....i have lost his side of the family which is sad but inevitable.

Can you imagine a family holiday where everyone’s ex and their children by other parents are there? Weird beyond belief.

Sounds like your STB exDH is still being involved with your DC which is admirable, however, why do you think that should extend to free holidays with his relatives thousands of miles away?

It is very common that divorce will mean having no contact with extended family (on both sides)

He isn’t discarding them. He’s still involved on an ad hoc basis. That is more than reasonable of him. But obviously they aren’t still part of his family in the same way.

The entitlement of some people is breathtaking.

Seeing kids on an "ad hoc" basis is not being involved. It's like being a distant relative. What conversations have you had with exH about ongoing involvement? Frankly it's is a bit wierd for you to expect to rock up with your kids to their summer home, what if exH was there with a new gf? How would everyone feel about that? If exH wants to take the kids because you've agreed he has a longer term parenting role to play, that would be one thing. But remember he has zero rights and responsibilities in law. He can only see them if you permit and he can't demand a relationship with them. And likewise you can't demand that he has one.
Talk to him about what he wants and if he wants little involvement ie just seeing them ad he, then you need to focus on moving on as a family unit rather than trying to maintain ties with his extended family