Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

I think it depends in the length of the marriage and age of the children. For example if you were married 3 years and the DC spent a lot if time with their bio dad and his family I wouldn't expect further contact.
If you have been together 10 years since DC were 1 and 3 for example and they called your ex dad then it's very cold behaviour to just discard the children after a divorce.

Given divorce is a public statement that your couple relationship has irretrievably broken down, I would not expect to holiday at their home. I do, however, know people who visit ex parents in law etc., but they have all had fairly long marriages and joint children.

What is the plan for your children and your ex post divorce? If he is to go on holiday with them as sole charge, then I would expect his family to welcome the children. Sadly, I think it can be difficult post divorce and the only step dad I knew in this situation soon had no contact at all despite acting as their father for almost 15 years.

Why are you divorcing? Was it initiated by you or your ex-husband? It would be quite unusual to maintain relationships with ex-in-laws if there are no shared children who would be related to both sides of the family, unless you had developed really close relationships with them that didn't involve your ex-husband.

I feel it is strange that you want to go and spend time with people who are soon not going to be your in laws… maybe you are still not over the marriage? Give it time, in a year or so you’ll probably wonder why you did!

Did you really think you could get a divorce and just carry on as before - going on holiday and travelling with your ex and his parents?

Bonkers.

I feel like we need more information (how long they were raised by him etc) but generally speaking it’s very entitled of you to assume you could come.

Your children sure, if they were to still be close to him, but you? Why would they free up a property for you?

I’m willing to bet any money he never sees them again. Sorry OP

Good grief the entitlement has no limit!!!

re: his relationship with your kids. Thats a completely different story. Of course it is horrible to discard children like that and it would nice for him to keep a relationship with them.
what you cant do though is to expect the rest of your family to feel the same

If the kids were his I would expect him to take them but given they are not then no of course none of you are going on his families annual holiday! Would seem very odd to me that you would even consider that this should happen!

If he’s the only father figure they have known, it’s shit of him to just drop them. Is that really what’s happened though? You need to have a conversation with him and find out what he plans to do with them going forward. Perhaps he thought that taking the kids on holiday abroad without you might make you uncomfortable until new routines are established. If he does plan to distance himself from them, it would be helpful for you to know so you can gently set their expectations.

Sit and think about why.

I meant to add that he might offer to take them on holiday in the future, but he isn't obliged to.

How long have you been together? If he’s been their father figure for most of their lives, I can understand you’ll feel hurt to be cut if suddenly. If only a couple of years, less so.

However, the summer holidays is almost upon us. This should have been clarified before, not last minute. I guess you thought it was a default arrangement, but the divorce has thrown a spanner in the works.

Yet another reason "blended" families are so shit. The children lose so much when the charade ends.

Too bad! You're divorcing the guy, and they're not even his kids. Talk about entitled.

Agree it would be shitty for your ex to drop seeing the kids if he’s been their father figure but I can’t see how that extends to his family hosting you and them for weeks for a holiday. You really think that you’d still be going? Maybe he could take the kids for a little while if everyone was ok with that but you going? Why?

He didn’t adopt them, he has no right to see them again if you decide he can’t, he has no rights at all.

He also has no obligations to them. Or to you now you’re splitting up.

You presumably want the divorce so get some perspective. Pay for your own holiday.

You cannot be serious

They’re not his kids, don’t refer to them
as “used tissues”. You’re expecting way too much here. Get the kids used to not seeing him anymore because why would they?

I agree that it would be shitty of him to drop them, but it doesn’t actually sound like that’s what he’s doing? He’s still seeing them. He just (understandably) doesn’t want to spend 3-4 weeks on holiday with his ex. However amicable the split I can’t imagine many people who would want to do that TBH. Unless you were hoping that he’d take the children on his own?

If this is how you see things, no wonder you’re separating

How old were your kids when he came into their life, and how long have they known him? Is their father still in their lives?

Given he is the only father figure the children have known, are you encouraging them to have an independent relationship with him post divorce? And does he want this too?

I very much doubt your kids will see him again.

Why would he want to stick about and raise his ex's kids with a different man?

I can’t think of a tactful way to ask this, but is their actual father dead?

If not, why are you expecting more from this man than from the man who actually fathered them?