Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Bang on, they’re family blood or not

Your post reads to me as though you’re only upset for yourself missing out on a holiday, not the kids.

He’s now not your partner/husband.
He’s not their father. If he’s still seeing them regularly on an ad hoc basis, he’s hardly discarding them like a used tissue.

I don’t get why you would expect to be brought on holiday after a divorce.

YABVU.

It'd be nice to think they'd keep in touch with the kids in some way, but on a practical level they need to be prepared for him to move on and maybe meet someone new, so it'd all get a bit complicated if you were still on the scene.

How long were you married op and how old are the children.

some nasty comments here

'free holiday' 'perks' - erm, the Op is talking about a major change in family relations for her children who have known these people as their 'family/ relations' for many years of their childhood.

Unfortunately, you can't expect to go on holiday with your husband, who you're currently divorcing! I'm not sure why you thought this arrangement would still continue?! The children are yours from a previous relationship. Will your husband still be seeing your children? Do your children have contact with their biological Dad? In all honesty, your husband can just walk away from you and your children once the divorce is finalised, he has no ties to you and no obligation towards you either. Depending on the children's ages, his relationship with them etc, he could potentially take the children to see his family on his own. However, it sounds as if that won't be happening, judging by his sister's message to you. Your husband's family don't have to keep in contact with you, and again they have no obligation towards you or your children. You have no joint children together, so there's no reason for them to keep in contact. Your husband isn't being unreasonable at all, he's doing what most people with no ties to their ex would do! You are no longer a family, and therefore that's how he's treating the situation.

Sorry op, but you are coming across as a bit entitled here. You are divorcing, and the kids are not his. Why on earth would his sister still have you all over on holiday? Genuinely dont get why you would think she would, sorry. Neither he nor his sister are being unreasonable at all.

But he isn't? Apparently he is still "involved".
What is not on the table is OP going on holiday with her kids to his family summer home.
I got on v well with my in laws, but I sure as hell didnt expect to be going on holiday with them post divorce.
Whether or not exH is staying connected to these kids, I do think OP is unreasonable in expecting she can go on holiday with his family.

They're not family, though - he was just a bloke who married their mum.

He is the only father figure they know and has been a key part of their lives for so long. It’s cruel to discard children like a used tissue. He is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis.

I would imagine this will fizzle out-you are divorcing and have no ties to keep you together.

I would not be expecting a free house in America for a few weeks of holiday, if I was divorcing the man whose family were providing it!

Although he's not their father, he is still seeing them. That's not discarding them like a used tissue, that's being a considerate person. How long that will last I don't know but it is considerate at this moment in time

OP, being nice to your children was part of him being in a relationship with you.
He wasn't their parent, they were only in his life because of you.

No relationship with you, no reason for him or any of his family to do anything for you and your children who are not related to them.

What part of that don't you understand?

You are getting divorced, you are off the Christmas list, you don't get invites to weddings or parties, you don't get the holidays.
Those are for the next woman he is in a relationship with, and her kids if she brings some into the relationship with her.

@Singineletricdreams did you have an offer that's been withdrawn, or did you assume you could use your ex family's houses for your own holidays? Sorry, agree with PPs - you're divorced, they're no longer your family or your kids.

I honestly can’t wrap my head around why you would ever have expected to continue with these holidays. Ex wives/husbands are still involved in stuff in our family, but that’s because there are shared children and strong bonds due to close proximity. But going to see your ex’s family, halfway across the globe, with children who aren’t related to them - that would be weird. But I do feel very sorry for your children in this scenario. It will be hard for them, especially if they are used to going and have made friends with your ex’s family.

Father figure and father are two distinct things. One is a kindness the other an obligation (not one that it is always honoured).

Pp are right to ask about their own father, his involvement and your expectations of him, if he is still alive.

What is the context of the split, and did you consider the potential impacts on the children when making that decision?

Madness. I've been divorced three times. None of them my fault and you never hear from his side again. It might be different if you have shared kids but otherwise why would you keep in touch. Sad facts t of Life

I agree in general with the idea that relationships with step-cousins don't have to end because of a marriage split if they live nearby or at least a commutable distance. Expecting your exs family to hand over a holiday home for 4 weeks to facilitate that is a little much though. And where is ex DH supposed to go particularly when he has a new partner

Unfortunately, this is a risk of blended families, and perhaps society should acknowledge this more

It's up to him to navigate the relationship but he has no blood toes and you may be grateful of the distance when you meet someone else. If he's not taking them on his own (and as he's not blood related I wouldn't be comfortable with that) then you have no right to go.

If you are normally this entitled, I'm not surprised that you are on your second divorce. YABVU.

I really missed my brother in law when my sister got divorced. We had a lovely relationship, but we cut ties completely as that’s what you do in divorce. It gets messy and complicated else.

YANBU reasonable to be disappointed that is a by product of the divorce, but it’s totally normal.

It’s nice that dh wants to still keep the kids in his life but I can see why he wouldn’t want to be totally responsible for them for so long taking them on holiday on his own, and it would be really weird and inappropriate if you went too.

It's the fact that OP didn't even see this coming.

Wonder if she'd still have got divorced had she known the month long freebie jaunts to the US were about to dry up?

How long were you married for? @Singineletricdreams I think it makes a difference if your stbxh has known your kids for eg 10+ yrs or a shorter time like 2 yrs. How old are your children?