Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

Look, I have known my SD since she was three. She is now in her teens. If I divorced her dad she doesn't get to still come on summer holidays with me and my extended relatives. That's no shade on her, it is just the reality of life. She is an in-law. When you divorce you sever marital ties with your spouse and their family. That includes their children. Doesn't mean you can't maintain a friendly bond, but does mean they aren't your immediate family any more and therefore won't be treated as such.

It isn't necessarily pretence. My siblings/cousins have had partners who I loved to be around and whos company I enjoyed but at the end of the day when the relationship with my family member ended there wasn't a reason for me to see them any more. Our relationship was based on their being partnered to my family member. That's how in-law relationships work - doesn't mean they are fake at the time.

I distinctly remember when my brother separated from his wife (there’s a very big age gap between us). His ex wife wanted to continue visiting our parents and myself as they were childhood sweethearts, she knew us and got on better with us than her blood relations.

My mother had to pull her aside and tell her she couldn’t just keep the bits she felt like keeping and that she had left my brother and ultimately that meant she needed to cut ties with us too. It was clearly breaking my brother as she had left for someone else.

As my mother said - you don’t just get to keep the bits you want. You aren’t together now and need to respect the new boundaries.

That’s the whole point of raising it. It shines a light in the situation and hopefully makes her realise that this isn’t something she wants, so the holiday isn’t either. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

It's quite normal not to see your exh family after you divorce - this means his parents and his extended family.
Your biological children are not his biological children so it would be anticipated that ties with his biological family would be lost.
I was very fond of my former MIL and FIL Sent cards etc for years after I divorced his son. Things were cordial.
However, even when I had been 25years their daughter in law I couldn't attend their funerals which made me very sad. However, I celebrated their lives , privately in my own way.
I'm afraid you were wrong to think these people are still 'family' to you and to host you, as they once did, post divorce.

Not shitty behaviour at all. You don't say how long you were together and ages of the kids, which is quite relevant. If you were together for a significant number of years eg got together when kids were toddlers and now teens. I would think it's awful dropping the kids like stones as it's the only family they know and see if everyone is open to continuing the relationships but it would be very much just the kids and them not your involvement as such. It happens alot with biological families nevermind step families with no obligation to see you and the kids. The fact you thought you would still be going in the same capacity eg staying in their home with your ex is incredible. It would mess with kids heads for a start thinking you may get back together (if they're young) and cause a lot of upset feelings for both you and the ex. Doing a holiday over there, paying for an hotel/B&B then visiting for a couple of hours etc if the kids, if your ex and exes extended family agree is much more reasonable. You can't expect it to be paid for by him and his family, play happy families and then come back after a free holiday. They have no obligation to you or your kids unfortunately.

@Singineletricdreams I expect he's still fond of them and cares about him but you're divorced. It's highly likely you'll both meet new partners.

Are you not returning? I'm not sure what you expected people to say. When I left ex I checked first to see if it was OK to keep in contact with his best friend (we were close) and he said yes, it's different from children but I realised boundaries had changed

You’ve posted a lot about how much you dislike your SD though. Not all blended families are like yours, and not really a standard families should be held to.

Did anyone actually say “You shouldn’t get divorced” full stop? I don’t think they did. The poster @Lostcat quoted said “If you like the perks associated with the marriage, you should have stayed in it”. In other words, you can’t expect to be treated like a wife when you’re no longer married. That isn’t a judgement on whether OP should have got divorced at all.

The fact that your sister in law reached out suggests to be me that it possibly wasn’t their decision but maybe your DH’s? If it was them who were thinking you weren’t welcome anymore why would the sister in law say what she did? That seems a little odd.

She's probably just a nice woman who isn’t taking sides and feels sorry for the kids, who are the innocent ones in all this. It doesn’t mean she’s secretly longing to see the OP.

Meant to click yabu

He is likely to have another relationship in the future and will not want to have to deal with his new relationship meeting you on future holidays which would look quite odd, and cutting things off cleanly is probably the best thing all round. Hopefully soon you will feel better about this and see it as the best option.

YABU.

Not sure why you expected this to continue. What happens when he gets a new partner and possibly his own children, would you expect him and his family to still see you all expect you for holidays ?. The reality is they are not his children and you are no longer together and its unrealistic to expect things will continue as they were with holidays etc. Unfortunately its part of life, people have to move on.

Is this a joke? Are you delulu? You are separating and getting divorced. It’s the end of the relationship and he has no ties to you or YOUR children soon. They are not his responsibility nor warranting any good will gestures or extras. Why would you think that the niceties of holidays would be continued. Admittedly this should have been discussed or brought up previously when divorce has been discussed but wake up and realise anything attachment you had together is now/going to be void after the divorce is finalised.

Sadly I think in my own case they did pretend to like me.

Which is ok. I couldn't stand them either 😄

I took it that OP had put out feelers and is now getting rebuffed. But the sister may have innocently sent a kind message about not seeing them, naturally assuming that they wouldn't be going - because in the real world you wouldn't would you? And her timing may have been due to the relatives currently making plans for their family holiday and it made her think of OP and her children.

I'm not 100% sure if OP expected to go with him as well or not

The fact that your sister in law reached out suggests to be me that it possibly wasn’t their decision but maybe your DH’s?

The fact that OP's sister in law "reached out" is more likely to suggest that she was horrified to hear from her brother that his batshit ex-wife intended to turn up with her brood in a few weeks, expecting another free holiday.

Obviously, his sister wanted to make OP aware (kindly, because she sounds like a nice person) that she isn't welcome to avoid the embarrassment of her turning up.

Whether it's the ex-husband, his sister, or (most likely) his whole family that doesn't want her there is irrelevant. She's not wanted and she's a massively unreasonable, CF to even imagine she should be welcome.

They may not be cutting contact completely, you’ll just have to navigate that as you go, however, agree with the majority, this sort of holiday is now off the cards for you, sorry, OP.

Honestly I’m laughing at you ringing your ex’s relations up telling them you’re going to stay with them for a few weeks over the summer. That’s not how break ups work and these people are no relation to you or your children and the reality is it won’t be long before your ex has a new partner and they may travel .
chalk this one up to being good while it lasted

My friend behaved like this OP when she got divorced. Her ex SiL had/has a very nice holiday home in a very upmarket seaside place in UK much loved by city types. Her XH was planning to take their joint children on holiday there as usual during the summer break and friend was outraged to find that she wasn’t invited- to the point of trying to force the issue legally. Kids were young teens at this point so she couldn’t really argue that they needed her there, and she wasn’t trying to prevent them going, just furious that she was missing out. Her XSiL had to firmly tell her that as she had had an affair and left her brother and was making a settlement extremely difficult, perhaps the atmosphere wouldn’t be conducive to a fun time.

I suppose it all depends how long you were with him and the age of the children. Obviously he didn't adopt them or even have a proper relationship with them. Did they not live with the two of you as he seems to distance himself from the children rather quickly?
Looking at it from his side you are not together anymore so why should you need to visit his family?
You are not together anymore so I think its best that you forget about him and his family and make new holiday memories for you and your children without him. Good luck!

Many people are being harsh on the OP but I get that this is a bit of tricky situation due to that family being like blood family to the OPs kids, and it may be difficult for those kids to understand.

Sadly it's not practical because going forward he may eventually meet a new partner and then it would get unsustainable so they are making the clean break now before it gets awkward.

even if they had kids together, it would still be weird for the ex to rock up to anything hosted by the husband's family anyway.

You don't keep your in-laws when you split up.

I don’t think it is shitty, but I do think that the fact you heard it from the family, rather than from your ex is poor form.