Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

OP, your DH’s family welcomed him as a member of the family, and put up with you and your DC. Why on earth would they want you to come and visit now you are separating? It’s not as though the American family are your DC’s relatives - why would they want to keep in contact? Frankly, I think you have an astounding cheek to have asked!

I honestly can’t fathom how you think free holiday accommodation, and your kids entertainment, would continue post separation.

When my parents divorced I remember my Mother taking us to see my Auntie (my Fathers sister).
My Auntie told my Mum that her visiting with us was inappropriate and that in future it was down to my Dad to bring us to see them.
My Mum was gutted as had known them all since she was 17 until she was 40 but in their minds she was no longer family.
Im surprised you thought you’d still be welcome especially as the kids aren’t his biologically, regardless how civil the divorce is/was.

Crikey! Thats a bit entitled, what nationality will your next husband be? Quite a elaborate plan to get free holidays for you and your kids you have going there 🤣

Your title is misleading in that there never was a holiday offer to revoke.

A more apt title would be Holiday offer not forthcoming.

Is your ex (the children's stepdad) still having contact with the children post divorce either regularly or on an ad hoc basis? If anything if that is the case perhaps he may take them in future years but I am rather incredulous that you think this is something you still get to benefit from.

Disagree entirely
Kids are part of integrated family and I'm amazed by the number of posters who feel that relationships with children ( either biological or step) should cease because of divorce.
Hughly upsetting for the children who have a shared history.
Imo, the fact that the kids are not biologically related is irrelevant

As for the holiday offer being 'revoked', it sounds like it was never made. You just assumed that you could continue as before and never checked.

They are not your DH children. The family accepted your children as they were part of you, and you were married to DH. You are getting divorced. That means no more joint life, or joint holidays. Pretty awkward to go on holiday with your ex too especially when it's to see his family.

Perfectly normal behavior.

Nasty comment

Genuinely fascinated by your thought process OP.

Divorce is tough on the kids.
You've had a pile-on but it comes down really to:

As he was a step-parent not their biological dad, are you giving him access visits and does he even want to stay in touch with his stepchildren? Did he adopt or have any responsibility for them?

Did he or did you instigate the split and was access/future relationships ever discussed?

He has no obligation to keep seeing them nor does his family, even if he/they have been in their lives since they were small.

If you have instigated the split, even less so, although if he has brought them up as his own, you'd have hoped for some discussion.

But - as others have pointed out - unless it is the most mutual divorce where you are beyond civil and both relieved/still intend being friends who see each other/uncoupling Gwyneth-Chris style then no, how can it possibly stay the same?

That's kind of the point of the op.

I find it difficult to believe you thought this would continue to happen after you separated. They aren't his children. The family in the US aren't your family. Yes, it's sad but that's the way it is unfortunately.

Imagine how awkward it would be for his family to have you visit presumably with ex DH at the same time. Even though you say it's civil, there will still be tension there. What happens when he or you get a new partner?

You wanted a free holiday basically. If you've already booked flights you'll need to find somewhere else to stay and pay for it.

I am puzzled as to why you expect to go and stay with his family in the US when you and him are getting a divorce? Your children aren’t his children.

Can all of his exes use their homes for free? What a bizarre way to think, of course you can’t still go!

Wow you sound entitled! Why would they want your husband's ex and her kids not related to them at their holiday home?

Your thread title says holiday offer “revoked”. Did they actually invite you or are you just making assumptions as if it’s the latter that’s not what revoked means

He is the only father figure they know and has been a key part of their lives for so long. It’s cruel to discard children like a used tissue. He is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis.

It's not shitty behaviour at all!
Whilst you were with your ex, you were a package deal, but why on EARTH would you assume you'd still be welcome?! Baffling.

I'm not sure this is a made-up post, or a reverse tbh!

But if it is real ... this is not shitty behaviour. You are getting divorced. Did you think this would not affect your relationships with his family? Sorry, but you are either very naive, or very entitled!

And that’s all that matters that he will continue to part of their lives. Not a free holiday

But he isn't their father. Not taking you and kids on holidays for 3 weeks isn't discarding them

So were you hoping that he’d take them away on his own, or were you planning to go with them?

You're divorcing, you don't get to keep the perks that came with being with him.