Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and this situation would not be unheard of, as many step parents see the children as their own.

Lots of people on here are being very nasty and judgmental calling OP names and making assumptions about her and is honestly sad to see and is a reflection of how they see themselves.

Just because a couple divorce doesn’t mean people can’t be civil and stay in touch and continue traditions. Lots of immature people on here who don’t see this though.

She wasn't even officially invited, so she's wrong to claim it's revoked!

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you split with your partner who had kids, would you expect your own extended family to unconditionally invite your ex and his children to their family holiday homes for free ad infinitum?

Honestly they were generous enough anyway but you and your kids are no longer part of their lives.

Why should they gift you holidays? You spilt from their family member. And most people wouldn't expect free holidays from anyone even if they were actual blood relatives.

Why were you expecting a freebee holiday from people who are no longer related to you? This is entirely reasonable behaviour. You and your DC are no longer part of the family. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

But this family have decided not to do that, and that's entirely reasonable. I have no idea why the OP thought she would still be going to the US in the middle of a divorce. Weird.

😂and they would all need to be invited to each other's weddings.......looking forward to that thread.

i stoped at “about to be divorced from DH” - not so much a darling anymore

Or maybe stop flitting around playing happy families with children you intend to drop as soon as they are no longer convenient for you?

Ah yes, because they’re faaaaaamily!!!!

Yeh I get that but that poster was banging on about it being creepy because biology. We don’t know the context here - how long they’ve been married , since what age the kids were, but I think those things are relevant and the OP said he’s the only Dad they’ve ever known.

And not go on holiday unless every child was invited. What about any children born to different partners after the divorce, do they have to be included or is it ok to leave them out? 🤣

The only Dad they've ever known could still mean they've known him for a very short time. Context is everything and OP is not answering the relevant questions.

If DH has been in their lives since they were infants and they are now in their late teens that's very different to if DH has been in their lives for 3 years when they were already secondary school age.

And if given the first scenario I would still not expect OP to go on the trip but it might be more reasonable to expect DH to continue to that the kids by himself.

@CountryQueen how about this eh?

I also think it’s quite frankly disgusting that you find this topic so hilarious - children being dropped by the only father figure and paternal family they’ve ever known

I agree

How about the actual parents of the children stop exposing them to new partners and expecting them to do their parenting and that of the completely absent parent.

It’s ridiculous to just expect to carry on as normal after a divorce.

Why would they invite you when you're divorcing? Seems weirder you thought that would go on as normal

I would imagine this is an indication of OP's general expectations, hence the divorce.

I think the feeling would be if the children were his biologically then they’d probably still be visiting their family in US but you’d be staying at home as now divorced from the family.

as this man isn’t related he may or may not keep contact, who knows. But it becomes complicated unnecessarily if you both move on as you’re no longer together- so no it’s not normal to keep in touch and visit your exs family abroad

There is a world of difference between "being civil" and "staying in touch" and continuing to holiday with your ex and his entire extended family post-divorce! Surely you must realise that? One of those things is normal and realistic and one isn't.

OP didn't ask AIBU to think my ex might stay in touch with my DC and that I might stay in touch with his family, did she? She asked if she was being unreasonable to assume that she and her ex would still holiday together and that she, along with her DC, would still be welcome to avail herself of his families hospitality for a month every summer.

I agree that namecalling and nastiness is uncalled for though.

It doesn't matter his family doesn't want to know. They have no legal obligations to the children. There are men out there who don't even want to know their biological children. All I can do is imagine what the relationship dynamics was like between the op and her stbexh especially if she's still expecting big holiday to America. Edit: A positive is he sees them now and then and yet they are not his.

He does on an ad hoc basis which is reasonable.

I think if you had said you thought your ex would still be taking your kids then you'd have different reactions on here

YOU are not entitled to this trip - you weren't invited as YOU you were invited as your ex's partner.

If your ex has been in your kids life a long time and they have a parent/child relationship then ideally you would want them to retain that (do they have that relationship with their own father?) How would you feel if he suggested taking them and you staying home

He can't just be around as and when, that's so damaging. How old are they? How long were you together? What happened?

Holidaying with your ex’s family sounds like the opening of an Agatha Christie mystery where someone gets off’d after the late night drinks…

Seriously though, why would you want to go after the divorce? Wouldn’t that be all kinds of awkward? I think you need to let go and move on, free holiday or not. It’s actually healthier in the long run to draw a line and accept something, however lovely it was, is no longer for you.

Sorry OP but they’re not your family or your children’s family so given you are getting divorced I am unsure why you are feeling like this is unfair?