Holiday offer revoked

[Singineletricdreams]

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

No it’s not shitty behaviour?

They’re his family; not yours and have no relation to you or your children.

If you had children then your husband would probably take that child to the US to visit his family, not you or your children.

I don’t know why you would have expected to still go 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Very odd that you’d think it would be going ahead as usual-you’re getting divorced and it’s his family?
Do you expect to share a holiday home with your ex or that he would be uninvited.
It’s the nature of divorce, you separate and his family will be most supportive of him.
If you shared kids there may be some reason to think that the kids would still be invited, and a discussion about whether you’d be included but unfortunately you and your kids are no longer part of your soon to be exs family.

It doesn’t sound like he is discarding your children if he is still involved and seeing them on an adhoc basis.

However the fact that you used the term ‘adhoc’ instead of ‘regular’ to describe their contact, now you are no longer a family unit, makes it sound like things are already changing in terms of the level of his involvement in their lives.

If that is the case, I think you might be unreasonable to expect other things, such as family holiday arrangements, wouldn’t change too.

Either way, although they are not his biological children, it sounds like you really need to discuss future arrangements properly and in advance to avoid any nasty surprises, especially for your children’s sake.

Excuse me, but your kids have no connection to your DH family, they are from your first DH. Why would you expect the family of DH number 2 to host them as you go through a divorce.

When you meet a new man and you want to go to the US with your kids, are you expecting them to accommodate him too?

You've had a fair bite of the cherry OP. Expectation such as yours is pretty well into CF territory.

You very much need to reset your expectations. You’re separated and that means the end of your relationship with your husband - and his family.

your children are only in his life due to your relationship with him. He’s not adopts them. Please precise your children for the separate life. You cannot and should not be expecting things otherwise to be the same.

we are talking about relationships and support, financial and emotional, will cease for you and your children.

please recognise this holiday situation as the first of many such separations. To not do this is irresponsible towards your children.

Aww that’s a slightly different situation as you were visiting your paternal aunt.
Your Mum should have checked that it was okay for her to take you, in fact surely she didn’t just turn up without any prior warning?

So confused by this! The only ‘shitty behaviour’ I can see is the assumption that you’d continue to get a lovely holiday from a family none of you are a part of anymore.

Take the lesson, OP, and plan a lovely holiday for you and the kids this year, start a new tradition for you all.

Not everybody has the ability to remain friends or even civil after a split.
I'm sure you know the type, the only way they can communicate is through yelling and trying to always have the last word etc.
I guess his family are like that.

It‘s sad for the children as they probably see them as family but I think it’s to be expected that DH‘s family would not welcome your visit. They are his family at the end of the day and their loyalty is to him.

You sound very entitled, no wonder you are about to undergo divorce No2!

Your kids are nothing to do with your ‘soon to be’ exs’ family and I’m not surprised they have sacked you all off.
I should imagine they are glad to be free of you and your freeloading kids.

Adopting her kids in the midst of their divorce?
I think that would be unusual to say the least

I might understand him taking the kids over there but why would you think you and the kids would go without him?

The most unusual thing about this is your level of expectation. Why would you think that he is going to bring you and or your children?

You are being completely unreasonable. Divorce means divorce, you aren’t part of his family anymore. I mean if you were his third wife, would you expect the other two to have turned up every year FFS?

No, she thinks they are going without him. It's daft enough to be a reverse.

Where is the evidence for that?

Nothing in this thread suggests that OP's ex-husband or his family have behaved unreasonably. In fact, it looks like his family were very generous and welcoming when he and OP were married. Even she concedes that the divorce has been amicable.

It seems that OP is a massive CF and thinks she can retain the perks (i.e. a very generous holiday arrangement) with people she no longer has any relevant ties to. The fact that she can't, according to OP, is shitty behaviour on the part of his family.

I'm sure her ex-husband and family will be glad to see the back of her.

Not his children, his family aren’t obligated to host them.

There’s no need for the nasty tone that so many people seem to taking with you OP, sorry people feel the need to be so horrid!

You obviously had good reason to think the holidays might continue. Some families maintain their closeness despite a couple’s divorce, it’s not completely unheard of. I can imagine a close in law saying to someone in your position ‘I’m so sorry you are separating. We all got on so well so please feel free to use the holiday home if you want to’.

The fact that your sister in law reached out suggests to be me that it possibly wasn’t their decision but maybe your DH’s? If it was them who were thinking you weren’t welcome anymore why would the sister in law say what she did? That seems a little odd. And it was ex DH who told you not to come? I imagine the issue is with him. Which is ok, I get it.
If his family want to keep lines of communication open with you that’s their lookout. They get to choose who to maintain friendships with.

It IS obvious to everyone but OP that the freebie month long holiday in the US would not be happening.
Its an incredibly generous gesture, and OP was very lucky to have had this ongoing thru her marriage but when the marriage ends, so do the perks.
The ad hoc step parenting needs to be clarified, parenting isn’t something you can do ad hoc!!

Doesen't matter why they are getting divorced. She is not entitled to free holiday on his family's expense. Of course they are people and children, but OP is about the holiday not about his family not seeing the children any longer and thats what we answered to.

You sound entitled.

not a chance would I expect my ex who is not my children’s father, to take them anywhere to be quite honest.

She comes across as very entitled. Nothing wrong with feeling disappointed but to call it shitty behaviour is going to far. They were happy to entertain her and her children while she was married to him. It's a step too far to expect his family to continue to entertain her on her own with the children. They will naturally support their relative and not host her anymore. If she paid to stay there for a month they will probably change their mind.

I still can’t believe the OP’s thinking around this! I’m glad almost every post I’ve read thinks she’s being entitled. When I first read her OP she reminds me of my eldest sister as this is the kind of thing she would say, all my life my mum has backed up my sisters entitled-ness and I’ve been made to feel selfish but I see now there are people out there who are so bloody entitled it’s crazy!

Doesen't matter why they are getting divorced

It matters when people respond to the OP saying she “should have stayed married”.

As I said- this thread is mad.