it’s an old thread but I am a lesbian (though I didn’t come out until I was 19) and I find it a bit fascinating that people think sexual stuff only happen at night IF they are to happen amongst children.
not sure my experience is the norm but I know enough people in similar situations to mine to know my experience isn’t uncommon.
But I would say NO 11yo isn’t too young to do sexual stuff, I remember being groomed as a child (I was 9) by female friends who were older (11/12) and introduced me to things like porn, sex etc… during daytime hours (I have never have a sleep over at their homes). I was later sexually assaulted by boys (older than me) from my extended family/family friends. Only one of my assaults happened at night, every single other occurrence happened during day time often with my or their parents in the home.
My own personal interest in being sexual awakened much later but clearly many kids are interested in experimenting/exploring each other’s body, many (though I like to think not majoritarily) before 13.
My girlfriend also had sexual stuff done to her as a child (by a boy in her family) from age 5 to 14 (he was therefore 9 to 18 during the assaults). 99.9% of the assaults happened during day time hours.
Those are assaults but it’s to say kids don’t only experiment at night, they experiment when they can/where they can.
if two person WANT to have sex stopping sleepover won’t stop it from occurring, it might reduce the chances but honestly unless you are behind your daughter like a hawk and she’s NEVER allowed to have any kind of time playing with anyone where you are not in the room present, it can and might very well still occur.
Your best strategy is to create a safe space for her, talk to her about consent, about her body about the fact that curiosity might be natural (for her and for others) but if something makes her feel uncomfortable she should speak up and voice her discomfort/concerns and if she feels her space or boundaries aren’t being respected that she should come to YOU (ideally but any other adult she trusts, also) , because you want her to feel safe and respected.
I wish I had felt safe to talk to my mom, I wish I had been emboldened to know that experimenting can be okay if it’s consensual. But to consent to something you need to be aware. My mom got pregnant with me at 16 so I feel she felt she wasn’t the right person to suggest I shouldn’t do the same and kind of didn’t provide us with the tool to navigate sexuality etc… (I am a 90’s kid so being gay was also still very shameful and taboo).
if I had kids in your situation I would make sure my kid was aware of everything and that she felt safe to either explore on her own terms in a consensual manner (you cannot control her will to experiment or explore so you can only make sure consent is engrained in her and in how she navigates situations) if she must (while suggesting it’s always better to wait and to be older and have more tools because it can shape how you navigate the rest of your life) and I would put trust in her, you are not going to be able to ban her from having sleep over with everyone and if you ban gf specifically she will just lie about who she is seeing and who is just a friend and you increase the chances of her ending up in a bad situation. If you want your daughter to trust you if she ever needs help or get in trouble or her boundaries are crossed you need to trust her and yes, that include giving her the freedom to figure out her own boundaries and live her experiences (she might genuinely not be interested in sex).
I didn’t come out because of the era I grew up in but if I did and it resulted in sleepovers being banned and me being “punished” for it, I would have immediately stopped confiding in my mom and the lack of sleepover still wouldn’t have protected me from all the grooming and sexual experiences I had/was forced upon. Creating a relationship of trust and dialogue might have. You won’t always like what your kids might be thinking about willingly doing but protecting them from willingly experimenting isn’t a hill I would die on (as it’s a losing battle I feel) it’s giving them the tools to navigate those phases of life in a way that is healthy and safe and respectful of both their boundaries and those of others that’s important (obviously if there is a big age gap it’s a whole different ball game so it’s only referring to two people in the same age group who might (unfortunately, as it’s early,) both be keen on experimenting.) and giving them the tools to navigate situations where that might not be the case and what to do then as you won’t always be there to know or help or prevent. So the best gift to your child would be empowering her into knowing herself and respect others and you respecting her processes by helping her navigate them in the best and healthiest way possible (which won’t always be the way or at the age you hoped for or what you had hoped or wished for her).