AIBU to not let DD have a sleepover with the girl she is going out with?

[weebarra]

DD is 11, in her last year of primary school in Scotland. She is the youngest of 3, her oldest brother is 17. Not that it matters, but he is bisexual.
DD has recently started ‘going out’ with another girl she knows from out of school activities, different primary but they’ll be in the same class at high school. They’ve just had their P7/S1 transition days.
DD would like her girlfriend to come for a sleepover.
I’ve said no as their relationship is not just that of friends. I know they are 11/12, but DD herself says it’s a different feeling. I’ve tried to explain that I wouldn’t let her have a sleepover with a boy either, but she’s very angry with me and that I’m disgusting to think that anything sexual would happen between them at this age. AIBU?

11?

Is this a joke?
Far too young for girlfriend sleepovers.

My daughter at a similar age was saying she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend, however now at a,most 17 cringes at this earlier impression of herself. I realised after a short while that she had these ideas on the back of ill judged lessons from school where sexual orientation and gender identity are pushed from late KS2.

Reads like homophobic waffle to me.

I am not sure what I would do in your position. I normally think better they do anything under your roof, provided consent and proper sex ed/ precautions. However that is really for older children, they are very young.

As they are so young though, and she is adamant the relationship isn't sexual, I might take this at face value. Say fine, you can have a sleep over, have fun watching a film or chatting, and the next day have a nice brunch together, but it is separate rooms and that should be fine as you say there is no sex ect. I think this is what I would say regardless of gender of a romantic boyfriend/girlfriend of my DS if he asked at this age (he is much younger at the moment though so I don't really have a clue and there is a chance I might just trust them in a room together depending on how they were ect). Also, as long as the other child is out to her parents, I would check in with then what they think too.

I don't think 11 is that young to have a boyfriend/ girlfriend. Some of my friends had one in year 7 (so aged 11/12) in the 1990s, but all very innocent for the most part.

I’ve been in this position with my daughter (who is now 20) and I allowed it but with some clear boundaries discussions. At the end of the day things will happen whether they are sleeping over if they want it to.

It's strange that people think it's new for 11 year-olds to have romantic feelings or to have a 'boyfriend' (or 'girlfriend'). It's not new at all. It was not unusual back in the 1970s and early 1980s when I was a child, though it may be the case that these early relationships have a higher likelihood of becoming sexual now, due to kids inappropriate online influences.

This. Regardless of anything else, they are children.🙄

yep no sleepovers as a blanket rule regardless of anything. experts say it’s the number one place of sexual abuse whether it’s kid to kid or from adults nearby. just no sleepovers overall regards of anything else

If it were me, I would not be speaking in terms of ‘girlfriends’, ‘ going out with’ or ‘relationships’ at all. I would tell my 11 year old, that whatever she thinks the ‘relationship’ is about, it isn’t, as she is far too young for that kind of thing.

It makes no difference that it's a girl. If it's a girlfriend/boyfriend situation I think 11 is way too young to have a sleepover.

I am bisexual and learnt this by being sexual with my childhood best friend at 12. Started out as ‘let’s practise kissing to be good later on for the boys’ and led to more. I wouldn’t underestimate but I guess it also depends on the child. I went through puberty at 9 and my best friend at 10, by 12 we were very curious! We dated in secret until around 15, as her dad was Catholic and very traditional and, despite being a great person and never showed any homophobia to us, we didn’t think he would have liked it.

OP, if they have described each other as girlfriend/going out, it would be a no for me personally - I don’t have any personal regrets though.

no one is sneering @MrsOvertonsWindow i think some people have slightly different views on what could happen in a supervised sleep over and that by making a bit more of it, this could encourage more secrecy. It’s just a different advisory opinion - but not meant to be sneery.
I draw on my own personal experience - my mum never trusted me which me made me hide relationships and experiences from her from an early age.

This.
In my opinion a year 6 child cannot be ‘in a relationship’ with another child of any sex. They’re 11. She’s got a bit of girl crush.
Maybe she will turn out to be gay, who knows but I would be heavily discouraging the idea of them ‘going out’ or being ‘girlfriends’. As I would if one of them was a boy.

Yes this is what I think too - missed originally that she’s still in primary school. Far too young to be in a relationship with anyone.

As for other comments about how does she (or anyone) know about their sexuality, some of us know young that we have crushes and are interested in the people we are interested in. It’s not some agenda being pushed, it’s natural to start to be curious and you can’t help being curious about what you’re interested in.

However, I do believe this is a safe guarding issue by the nature of her age and the fact they are openly declaring their relationship (vs my experiences of me and my friend impulsively acting on our crushes that went further). There is no way I’d have been allowed sleepovers with anyone I’d have described as my boyfriend/girlfriend.

Well, she isn’t going to get pregnant?

So, like, different in that sense.
I guess you wouldn’t want her to feel pressured generally but that’s a different issue.

That. Exactly.

Same in the sixties/early seventies.

I think you should let her. Otherwise in future she just won’t open up to you if she likes someone.

Start as you mean to go on. House rules.

At eleven!!! No chance.

I have the same rule for mixed sex and same sex relationships.

Honestly people are so naive to think that eleven year olds wouldn’t try anything. Maybe they wouldn’t but Im not taking that risk. If one does try something and the other child is deeply uncomfortable and perhaps
feel coerced into something they’re not ready for then that’s stirring up a whole heap of trouble and then you’ve got one traumatised child on your hands not to mention police and social service scrutiny.

Re: inappropriate sexual relationships being a sign o the times, and kids needing a bed in which to experiment, when I was eleven all hell broke loose at my school. During the Great Fingering Fad of Summer 1992, multiple ‘couples’ were caught experimenting during the school day. The oldest would have been 12, and one participant would have been eleven and a half. It seemed inextricably linked to popularity and to be a group event. I remember telling my uni pals years later about it and everyone was shocked. It wasn’t their experience at all. FWIW it was a reasonably good catchment.

However, I have a former colleague who told us his first sexual experience was with a male classmate, both aged 12. He’s now in his seventies. Happened in a cricket pavilion. And my best mate’s mate always had a ‘boyfriend’ from about the age of eleven, she was famously in demand as a girlfriend, her life was like a walking teen romance novel, but she didn’t lose her virginity until she was nearly eighteen, which seemed fairly late in those days. Which leads me to wonder whether there’s a big variation in levels of sexual activity/awareness in young people and always has been?

Is it possible that DD’s outrage indicates she’s possibly too young to know what is actually implied to adults when she says she has a girlfriend? I can imagine having a girlfriend at 11 might not take much account of the whole physical side at all. Or it absolutely could!

The difference to me, and where I understand your DD’s frustration, is that same sex female child ‘couples’ are probably actual friends, as well as romantically inclined, with lots in common and who enjoy being together, as friends do, whereas most ‘straight’
little couples are often nothing much to one another beyond a label? I have a DD of the same age and the ‘boyfriend’ thing mainly seems to be just a carry on where everyone runs about saying who likes who, they only speak occasionally, if at all, and there’s an excuse for drama/buying tat on Valentine’s Day. Thankfully no reports yet of mass digital insertion!

If I banned DD’s hypothetical GF Sophie from sleeping over I could absolutely see how it could make stuff awkward for my DD with Sophie when Isla or Ava get to stay over. Girls fall out all the time anyway. And if DD and Sophie are icked out by sex, what’s the implication there? Are they being punished for something they’ve not contemplated doing? Also - do I stop DD going to Ava’s if Sophie’s sleeping over? So having a GF negatively impacts her social life?

I think I’d be inclined to not bring the concept of sex into it at all, even implicitly. Just keep the door open and no bed-sharing. I’d feel the same way even if everyone was ostensibly straight as an arrow and crying themselves to sleep over Harry Styles or whoever.

This thread has made me rethink,

I know they have kissed, so

I have changed my mind and would not allow a sleepover. Its so difficult, you don't want think your kids would do sexual stuff at such a young age.

I discovered long after the event that my friend's son had shown my DDs his penis as a primary aged child. Nobody seems to have been harmed by this but it does show that children you think are too young for sexual exploration are actually doing things adults would rather they hadn't. Sleepovers make it much easier for this to happen and so should be discouraged.

Tricky. But I wouldn’t let my DDs have a sleepover with a boy so it’s the same for a girl they were more than friends with.
Maybe you could compromise and they can have a sleepover as in to hang out but the friend goes to the spare room/living room to actually sleep?

I don’t think every kid is sexual at a younger age, so only you can gauge your child and have good conversations with them around relationships, consent, etc. I don’t think sleepovers are inherently bad - lots of my school friends had very platonic ones. I personally was an early bloomer and generally grew up fast - I moved out at 16. i have no regrets over my own sexual experiences, I felt ready and had no pressure at all which I know is very lucky. It was all very positive and being curious is natural, even if we were in hindsight too young. At the same time, I also had lots of very platonic sleepovers with friends and cherished those times. In my 30s, I still love having my female friends over and they often stay over even now.

Anyway, I think as your child is in high school and a bit older, it’s about minimising risk and supporting them to make considered choices. Perhaps have some boundaries like separate beds/rooms and doors open - this is what I had to do if any friends who were boys stayed and I think this is what I will implement for my children for friends of all genders down the road. But at the end of the day, know that some kids just are going to be sexual early, if they feel ready they will find a way. I knew my mind as a teen and nothing could have stopped me.

OP’s child and situation is different - shouldn’t be in a relationship at all whilst still in primary school imo