AIBU to not let DD have a sleepover with the girl she is going out with?

[weebarra]

DD is 11, in her last year of primary school in Scotland. She is the youngest of 3, her oldest brother is 17. Not that it matters, but he is bisexual.
DD has recently started ‘going out’ with another girl she knows from out of school activities, different primary but they’ll be in the same class at high school. They’ve just had their P7/S1 transition days.
DD would like her girlfriend to come for a sleepover.
I’ve said no as their relationship is not just that of friends. I know they are 11/12, but DD herself says it’s a different feeling. I’ve tried to explain that I wouldn’t let her have a sleepover with a boy either, but she’s very angry with me and that I’m disgusting to think that anything sexual would happen between them at this age. AIBU?

It’s probably what they are spoon feeding them at school these days. It’s no wonder kids are growing up so confused. I wasn’t remotely interested in boys that age.

I set a rule that would be applicable to all relationships whether straight or gay. No sleepovers with romantic partners before 16, and once over 16 you have to be dating for a certain amount of time before you can have a specific boyfriend or girlfriend staying overnight. My eldest was 17 before it came up and we were able to have a sensible conversation about it because they were actually mature enough to understand I wanted a rule that was applicable to them and their siblings.

TBH I discouraged my DC from having romantic relationships before 16 and I'd recommend you have that discussion with your DD. When you're still not through puberty managing the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship is hard and it means things like this come up that you're not ready for. As her parent you need to guide her to a sensible decision and not letting her stay overnight prevents a potentially difficult situation.

Probably because there's no risk of rape or pregnancy. I agree it still shouldn't be allowed happen, but you can't pretend the two situations are exactly the same.

YANBU at all. She is 11. However, be prepared for the fact that she probably won't tell you her next girlfriend is anything but a friend, so that you will allow sleepovers.

This has sparked a really interesting chat in this house as my dh was very "well I'd let them have any gender for a sleepover at 11/12" which has surprised me a bit! I think the person who said "between 11 and 16 you'll start to have those feelings, I don't know precisely when, you might not know precisely when so we aren't going to put you in that position at 11"
To be honest, in the modern world where everything is so fluid (which is lovely), it makes sense to limit/ban sleepovers anyway. It's a lot of time that kids are together unaccompanied, with access to phones, each other, anything they've snuck in to your house in their bags - it's made me question the whole thing really

😂What an extraordinary statement! Speaking as a Year 6 teacher, I can promise you that my days are spent spoon-feeding children the rules of Maths and punctuation, not of dating each other.

Well surely this will mean that the next girlfriend she has she will not tell you theybare going out. I think stopping it will lead to secrecy.
Can you have some rules, like door open and not sharing a bed, or camp in the living room.

I’m actually shocked that your initial issue isn’t that shes 11 and in a relationship. She will be the child at 16 out of control getting involved with all the wrong stuff. Why are you allowing this. She’s 11 and should be a child, not so fast forward.

The girl is her friend and they have been indoctrinated by school and the media to think that they must be lesbians if they really like each other.

I don't know what was going on at your school, but I can confirm that most schools are not telling ALL girls with female friends that they are lesbians, any more than they are telling girls with male friends that they are heterosexual.

Also, I knew I was a lesbian at 9. Not because I had sexual feelings, but because I had a crush, which is perfectly normal at 9 years old. Something tells me you wouldn't be up in arms about a 9 year old girl saying they were straight or had a crush on a boy...

Something tells me you haven't read the thread....

Well this would be one hell of an overreaction. She's "dating" an eleven year old girl, not a thirty year old man. It's really not a safeguarding matter, by the way.

Eh? I have read the thread. What has that got to do with my response to @Gmary22's comment?

My DD had lots of sleep overs at this age sometimes quite a few girls at a time.

Am not sure what you think will happen? She’s 11 and still at primary. You can go in and out of her room throughout the evening or they can camp downstairs watch movies. The one rule I had until end year 7 was phones had to be charged and docked downstairs as this was my DDs phone rule.

Personally I think it’s best to be in a relationship with your DD where she tells you her feelings and doesn’t cover up and then you can manage and advise a bit better through teen years @weebarra

I really wouldn’t make too much of it.

I had friends who lost their virginity at 11 and 12. Blows my mind now but didn't seem that bizarre 40 years ago! It happens.

Maybe …. Or maybe she will be the child at 16 sneaking out to meet friends/ GFs or BFs scared to confide or share, a little bit angry and doing her stuff in secret …

who knows??

Lost their virginity - or were raped? Children of such a young age can't consent to sexual activity.

There's some very worrying comments on this thread, presumably from adults but hopefully not parents who seem to be oblivious to the age of this child and the need to safeguard children from complicated situations.

Fortunately the OP's got a sensible approach that safeguards both these girls and most comments seem to support putting boundaries in place for such young children.

Really difficult to say and these were with boys of a very close age. I was very open with my parents and told them everything whereas these kids were very very secretive and had no conversation with their parents. I think you have to be aware these things happen regardless of age but you also have to maintain open dialogue and trust your kids. It's not easy.

I'm not saying they are being as blatant as telling girls they are lesbians, what I'm saying is that schools really promote LGBTQIA++ through workshops, lessons boks etc, and it puts ideas on children's heads before they have even gone through puberty. It's not even a straight/gay issue, it's sexualizing of children before they are even sexual. We've gone mad. And yes I would be concerned if a primary school aged child said she seriously had a boyfriend.

Children will know a lot younger than 11 if they are gay or straight. My gay male friend told me that he knew in his own understanding of these things that he liked boys when he was 6.

You're right - it isn't easy. These are young children and they need safeguarding - not just from predatory adults but from themselves in the sense of not leaving them in positions where they're unable (too young) to make self protecting decisions. Failing to intervene leaves them to be influenced by someone more powerful - not just physically, but intellectually or charismatically.
A poster who says they're a teacher confidently asserted that this wasn't a safeguarding issue. At face value it appears that way. Sadly my long experience in safeguarding tells me that there are some adults who use children in this way for their own gratification - encouraging sexual acts between children below the age of consent for their own gratification, recording the acts as well.

The OP is evidently a sensible parent who will safeguard - but they're not helped by all those who is threaten that if they put a boundary in place their child won't trust them in the future.

It’s not a friendship sleepover, it’s a girlfriend and girlfriend sleepover!

Maybe because she can’t get pregnant with girl on girl relationship?

I have to say 11 is v v v young to be so clear about her sexuality and have a girlfriend, Im bisexual myself but I would have no clue how to deal with this as a parent !! but I’d be inclined to keep communication open and keep welcoming this child .., christ on a bike this is next level conundrums Good luck op !

I did lots of snogging with bf at just turned 12 at secondary school. Lots had boyfriends. This was at school -we went home at 4 so not much chance to take it further.

Interesting..
This thread has made me rethink if I would allow a sleep over,

Maybe I am too trusting! I never had any romantic partners in school so its all new to me.

This is the power of Mumsnet isn't it? Gives parents an opportunity to think through difficult issues. Yes there are a few sneering posters with their "can't believe you're bothered about this" but generally women and mothers are thoughtful and supportive in working out these issues.