AIBU to not let DD have a sleepover with the girl she is going out with?

[weebarra]

DD is 11, in her last year of primary school in Scotland. She is the youngest of 3, her oldest brother is 17. Not that it matters, but he is bisexual.
DD has recently started ‘going out’ with another girl she knows from out of school activities, different primary but they’ll be in the same class at high school. They’ve just had their P7/S1 transition days.
DD would like her girlfriend to come for a sleepover.
I’ve said no as their relationship is not just that of friends. I know they are 11/12, but DD herself says it’s a different feeling. I’ve tried to explain that I wouldn’t let her have a sleepover with a boy either, but she’s very angry with me and that I’m disgusting to think that anything sexual would happen between them at this age. AIBU?

YABU. So she is not allowed any friends incase something sexual happens?
Girls at that age start to have sleepovers, it’s normal!

I am in a similar situation but my DD has just turned 13,

I would allow it, as I don't believe they are at that age anything sexual would happen between them. My daughter cringes when I mention it to her.

Maybe I feel different in a couple of years...

Oh tricky. I think I'd go with the line. It has always been the rule that romantic partners can't stay over (ever/ until youre 18/ married). Youve told me you like her as more than a friend and I fully support and respect that therefore I am putting in the same rules your older siblings were subjected to in regards to the person/ gender they liked.

I'm not saying you are going to do anything sexual and I trust and love our communication but youre getting older and I don't want to start something I'd have to put a stop to.

Here's what we can do, have her over and you can play in your bedroom with doors open. We will drop you to the cinema etc etc

Girl she is going out with, not a friend.

Your house, your rules. But I think you run the risk that in future she may try to 'hide' girlfriends from you and claim they are just friends.

I had this situation although dd was 13/14. I said no, explained exactly as pp has stated, you have said you are more than friends so that wouldn't be appropriate. Apart from anything else I wouldn't want my dd or the other girl to feel pressured into anything they didn't want. No need for them to sleep really, they can come over & hang out, etc.
Strangely the relationship didn't last very long after that and I don't regret my decision.

Bloody hell if this post said my YEAR 6 child would like her boyfriend over for SLEEPOVER everyone would be going crazy!!! Why should it be any different just because it’s a same sex relationship??

I think I would go with the notion that aged 11, no bf or gf would be staying over. Not until they are 15 or 16.

It’s a tough one, but on one level I would prefer to have them in my house where I know they’re safe and can keep an eye on things than encourage her to lie and sneak out to see this girl.

If they’re gonna have sex, they’re gonna have sex whether they have your consent or not.

ELEVEN THEY ARE ELEVEN .

Op you have a duty of care to both children.

No I wouldn't allow it.

Whilst I think this relationship is to them more than a friendship, in reality it's unlikely to be physical.
But, I actually think you're setting a valuable precedent for her teen years. I don't think it's a good idea to facilitate sleepovers for very young teenagers who are dating. Be they straight or gay. It's keeping her safe and making clear there are boundaries.

We had something similar though a year older. I allowed the sleepover but insisted on different rooms (as I did for her sister when she had her boyfriend sleepover).

I had the same response of, basically, “Sex? Urgh.” Because they are 12 and it really isn’t on their radar in the way it is when they are 16 or something. But I just said that I know it seems odd and unfair now, but at some point between now and 16 you’re going to get interested in sex, and I’m not going to know when that happens, you may not realise you’re getting interested until you’re suddenly on the middle of it. So the rule is if it’s a romantic relationship then it’s separate rooms.

You realise presumably that whatever is going to happen physically between them will happen anyway? If you forbid it in your house they'll find somewhere else - possibly where they aren't as safe and protected. Personally I'd rather they do their exploring under my roof - following strong age appropriate conversations on consent and safe sex of course .

That should immediately be put a stop too. You must tell her she is far too young for this relationship and is not allowed to see this girl out of school. It's a safeguarding matter. She is 11 fgs.

Again they are ELEVEN.

You certainly can limit the chance for an ELEVEN year old, and you can certainly discourage it by stopping things like sleepovers.

Honestly I am quite relaxed and I know many have sexual experiences before they are 16, but in no civilised world should we be supporting sexual relationships for ELEVEN YEAR OLDS.

The child is 11

I'm normally one for boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers from 16 and above, but 11 is far far far too young to be facilitating two literally primary school aged kids to be having a sleepover. They've said they're 'together' so there's some sexual interest. What are you expecting? That they'll stay in their own sleeping bags and nothing will happen? No doubt they do want to explore and many kids do, but allowing it at this age is frankly criminal and if anyone else got wind you were allowing this there'd likely be a safeguarding referral.

It's a simple 'no DD, you're too young to have someone you consider a girlfriend or boyfriend sleep over. It isn't happening'

Would you let an 11 year old boy she was dating come for a sleepover and stay in the same room? I sure as hell wouldn’t so that goes for any relationship in my mind until they hit 16 at the earliest. If I was the other parent I wouldn’t want mine to share a bed/room either.

I get the 'they're going to do it anyway, better safely under your roof' thing and I did let my 15/16 yr old have sleepovers with his first serious girlfriend for this and similar reasons.

But these kids are too young, you should treat them the same whether gay or straight. Yes they're innocent and no one is getting pregnant but the same principles should apply. If it was a boyfriend you wouldn't allow it at this age. I am very laid back and I probably would allow it if they had seperate rooms and agreed to stick to that but not sharing a room.

I also think a conversation with the other girls' parents is in order before any sleeping over happens. You need to know what their thinking is. You don't want to find out they were in ignorance of what was going on and end up you or your daughter being accused of anything.

Wow. This is an absolutely bat shit response!!! My mind is blown

I would not allow a sleepover between any “romantic” partners, of any sex, until both were at least 16.

No. I would not allow it and would discourage romantic relationships, she is very young.

But the OP has made it clear that they are more than friends, they’re girlfriends, in a relationship. OP YANBU.

Sounds pretty homophobic to me but ok.