AIBU to not let DD have a sleepover with the girl she is going out with?

[weebarra]

DD is 11, in her last year of primary school in Scotland. She is the youngest of 3, her oldest brother is 17. Not that it matters, but he is bisexual.
DD has recently started ‘going out’ with another girl she knows from out of school activities, different primary but they’ll be in the same class at high school. They’ve just had their P7/S1 transition days.
DD would like her girlfriend to come for a sleepover.
I’ve said no as their relationship is not just that of friends. I know they are 11/12, but DD herself says it’s a different feeling. I’ve tried to explain that I wouldn’t let her have a sleepover with a boy either, but she’s very angry with me and that I’m disgusting to think that anything sexual would happen between them at this age. AIBU?

Did you even read the op?

SHE'S 11 FFS

I don't think they are "girlfriends" in any meaningful sense of the word and I highly doubt anything sexual would happen.

But I wouldn't do it for the same reasons I wouldn't allow my teen DD to have had a "boyfriend" stay over at 11. It's just too young: they're not mature enough to cope with what it entails. I am not a big fan of parents encouraging kids of that young to pretend to be in romantic relationships: God knows they are sexualised younger than they need to be anyway, why encourage it?

When I was in year 6 there were always kids pretending to be "dating" and I judged (and still judge) the parents who indulge it. An 11 year old is a child. They may not even be pubescent. A child this age isn't old enough to understand their own sexuality or emotional needs and facilitating it sends a message that its OK and normal to be sexual before puberty.

I wouldn't stop them from indulging in the pretence if they want to, but I wouldn't be rushing to facilitate it. And I would be letting them know that while I didn't stand in the way of their "relationship", they are too young.

I know and I’m absolutely not condoning it AT ALL but that’s why I would want them close to keep an eye on it and stop it progressing if they were inclined that way!

From 12/13 I attended many mixed sleepovers and there was a lot more going on than just sleeping. Not full sex at 12 but certainly sexual contact. I was a shy child and would pretend to be asleep as it was awkward 😬

But it was the 90s so maybe times have changed.

She can come over, they can spend time together, but no sleepovers with someone she's 'going out with' at that age (male or female). Of course she might just introduce folk as a friend in future, even if they are 'going out'. TBH a sleepover isn't an essential anyway.

Yeah, when I was 11, boys were still horrid and smelly😆

What does going out even mean at 11?

I was definitely kissing boys at 11 OP and there was always girls/boys in my year acting much much more grown up and needing to be first to ‘do’ anything. I also remember kissing my best friend at a sleepover when we were 12!! We were both straight but did it anyway. Tread carefully.

Oh dear this is very tricky. On the one hand, they are obviously more than just friends and have been pretty open about that, your daughter has told you it feels more than friends which to me implies there is something sexual even if she herself isn’t fully aware that’s what it is or doesn’t feel able to admit it. So on that basis it would be responsible to simply say no boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over under 16 because it isn’t appropriate and they are too young. That’s the easy answer.
However, lots of 11 year old girls have sleepovers. Leaving the girlfriend issue aside, you may or may not agree with sleepovers. If you do, and would allow it for a normal platonic friend then you run the risk of them changing how they describe their friendship in order to get what they want! You’re not that naive I hear you say, But what about other, platonic female friends? How do you decide what’s appropriate and what’s not? You might shut down the lines of communication and cause her to never be open with you again about who is a girlfriend and who isn’t. And it could look like you are saying because she likes girls she can’t have girls to stay over. Which might be fine, after all boys don’t generally have female friends stay over or vice versa. But actually how she defines her sexuality might be very fluid. When she’s 14 she might have a boyfriend and asking for a sleepover with girls- do you assume oh she’s straight now so it’s fine to have sleepovers with girls or would you be sceptical about it?
It would also be worth finding out what her girlfriend’s parents think about it. They might say a blanket no anyway.
Sometimes as a parent the answer isn’t always obvious and you have to be flexible and I think openness and communication should always be the endgame.
So, I’m going to be controversial and say I think I would allow it. Let them do what kids normally do on sleepovers- chatting, snacks, music, movies, make up, but bedroom door left open and regular popping your head in! Then they sleep in separate rooms. And they are to be in bed and settled for the last adult going to bed.

She's 11! Still in primary school. Sexual relationships are for adults, not children.

Well done for your sensible approach OP. There's nothing wrong in setting boundaries - that's our job as parents. It's good that she thinks it's gross that you think they might be sexual - that's how 11 year olds should view adult sexual activity.
Sadly this is the consequence of Scottish primary schools using organisations promoting inappropriate LGBT issues at children too young to understand. It's good that children understand "non-traditional relationships" but sadly too many schools have handed over discussion about all this to queer theory activists, rather than professionals with a knowledge of child development and what's age appropriate for children. Link to a thread where some of the grim history of the Scottish group working in schools is evidenced:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5147097-that-lgbtys-lgbt-youth-should-be-removed-from-schools-and-investigated-asap

You didn’t have a crush until 15?

But it’s her girlfriend, not a friend?

Your daughter doesn't know what it feels like to have a romantic or sexual connection with another person, this is why she cringes when you mention anything sexual. The girl is her friend and they have been indoctrinated by school and the media to think that they must be lesbians if they really like each other. Unless she's gone through property early she can't really be in a romantic relationship to tbh I would be telling her she's not allowed to be in a romantic relationship yet so if that's what her friendship the girl is, then it must stop and she can't come over for a sleepover full stop. If she said she was in a relationship with a boy in primary school and wanted a sleepover then that would ring alarm bells so it shouldn't be treated any differently if it truly is a romantic relationship, which it isn't. I used to be a teacher and worked in a school full of woke teachers and many of the children as young as 8 were "in relationships" and one girl who was in year 4 told me she was a lesbian. How can you know if your a lesbian or not when your 9 years old and won't go through puberty for another 4 years? It's sexualization of children, as a society we treat children as of they are just miniature adults and they aren't, children didn't used to know so much about sex and sexuality. It's inappropriate.

Ah I did, probably about 13/14 I think, but couldn't do anything about it cos Mum and Dad were strict, so it was dreaming only to a picture of Donny Osmond and David Cassidy. Yep that's how old I am.

But I never felt restricted, only loved a lot by them IYSWIM. Everyone was the same back then, and having a boyfriend at 11 was unheard of not to mention having him sleep over. Nope not then anyway. And as for same sex liaisons, I doubt anyone even admitted they existed TBH, well not at age 11 for sure.

That is totally the wrong approach to have. If they were 14 or 15 I could see your point. At 11, you are going out your way to facilitate something that otherwise would never happen

Hi OP, my best friend in primary school was a boy (a very sweet, kinda geeky one). We were normal friend-friends, think playground games, bug hunting, pond dipping for frogs etc etc.

Anyway, I had a sleepover at his house when we were 10. Some time in the night he climbed onto my bunk bed and woke me up (he was on the bottom bunk, I was on the top) and wanted to show me his penis which he did (I was half asleep and no idea what was going on) He then asked me to touch it, that it gets bigger and he likes the feeling. I had never even seen one before! It was unsettling and not like him at all. I felt uncomfortable but he kept asking and wouldn’t put it away. I said no and suggested we go play a game if he wanted to play, and we went downstairs and played a board game. Nothing further came of it but he clearly wanted me to touch his privates and engage in sexual touch with him. I only knew this in hindsight as had no idea of anything sex related, we were kids. I just thought he was being weird!

There’s a lot of posters on that feel the age 11 is a limiting factor. It isn’t. Although I was just a girl, my friend had started to become sexually aware and tried to engage me in it.

My friend and I were 10 years old. (a boy, and me a girl)

She's too young to be in a relationship of any persuasion.

Nope far too young and if they are “together” and it’s “different to being friends” there is a sexual interest there. Remember that girl who got pregnant at age 11 many years back, it was all over the news. Obviously your DD is not going to get pregnant in this scenario, but they are attracted to each other and for that reason it’s not appropriate at this age to be sleeping over together.

Today I overheard a y6 girl in my street tell her friend that some lad she liked was leading her on. So inappropriate for Y6 kids.

Go with your gut. They don’t need sleepovers, it’s not a god given right.

I think YABU.
If she's bisexual then does that mean she can't ever have sleepovers with anyone??
I mean it's silly really. She's 11.
And her girlfriend is 11.
What do you think is going to happen?
Just have them sleep in the living room on the floor with duvets etc.. watch some movies eat some popcorn. You'll be there to supervise.
Worst they'll get up to is maybe kissing.

I say this as someone who is bisexual and had girlfriends in school. I never told my family about that as my family were religious. So I had sleepovers with girlfriends all the time as they just thought they were friends!!
Nothing sexual beyond kissing happened until I was 17 going on 18.
These are young kids who just want to spend time together.
Obviously there needs to be some supervision but don't make it wierd.

They only 11! Some of these responses are bonkers. I certainly would not be going out of my way to enable this.

Ridiculous 🙄

Presumably if it were a boy it would be a flat out NO!!! There's your answer then.
Happy to help 😁