To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

Yes it is.

I guess it depends how it's said and whether the response also includes empathy and/or advice as well.

I've seen lots of responses on here that are a mix of advice, empathy and relief that that person isn't in the same situation. I don't think it necessarily makes you an arsehole unless you just go on to say "ha ha, you're an idiot for doing x, this is why I don't have kids/a husband/a dog" or whatever.

Is it having a swipe, or is just expressing a different opinion?

Or the parents who come on and say you don't know love if you don't have a child, or that your life is worthless without a child, or that you're selfish because you chose not to have children.

It goes both ways.

The posts I’ve seen this week offer no advice or empathy, just along the lines of ‘this is why I’m glad I haven’t got kids’ and ‘anyone else happy they’re child free reading this’. I’ve advanced searched some of the people who makes comments like this before and they’re regulars on the child free board, are new posters/ have name changed. It’s arsehole behaviour. I’ve reported them sometimes and it’s hit and miss as to whether mumsnet delete.

I have to say I've never seen responses like that. Most of them offer some kind of empathy or advice, but maybe throw in comments about how glad they are not to be in that situation for whatever reason.

I know I've said "reading threads like this makes me glad I don't have kids" before but mainly in response to a lighthearted moan or something, not to someone who is genuinely struggling.

It does and I’ve acknowledged that. People seem to want division. It’s weird. I suppose the thing is that this is a parenting site before it’s anything else so it’s quite jarring for people to read so many anti child comments and digs at choosing to have children.

There will always be arseholes on either ‘side’ of anything, best to ignore them. I still think that if you’re happily child free or happy being a parent, you don’t need to be nasty to someone who has made a different choice to you, or possibly didn’t have a choice in how things turned out for them.

I still think that if you’re happily child free or happy being a parent, you don’t need to be nasty to someone who has made a different choice to you, or possibly didn’t have a choice in how things turned out for them.

I think it's just a very emotive subject as there's a lot of unnecessary judgement on either side - you can see it from this thread alone. People make comments, other people get upset or defensive, and it just spirals.

Unfortunately other people do say it. Not everyone is a nice person.

I don't disagree, it's just not something I've seen or noticed.

Hang around the parenting boards and you’ll see it. Maybe the nice posters without children who are relieved parenting isn’t part of their life, aren’t reading the parenting boards though because they’re genuinely not interested and don’t hang around there to stick the boot in.

I never go on the parenting boards and don’t post on threads in AIBUor Chat about parenting either. Unless it’s to express sympathy with the OP. That’s why I find it so annoying when parents come on to the MWC board to lecture us.

And I’m sure most parents don’t go on the mumsnetters without children board, least of all to judge them. There are obviously some arseholes on both ‘sides’.

I think some child free people are here to cause problems and enjoy making nasty comments. I think some parents have an issue with a parenting site having a child free board and make nasty comments. Personally I don’t, but I do roll my eyes at the anti children posts on every board which have increased in the last couple of years. Many are from child free posters or posters with no posting history.

Maybe some are too ashamed to say it, but many people are very comfortable discussing it at length.

I grew up surrounded my parents who openly discussed that they regretted having kids, how horrible it was to have kids, warning kids not to have kids, going on about what they'd be doing without us, and so on.

In my workplace, if anyone mentions 'considering having kids', there will be a chorus of people telling them to enjoy their freedom and how being a parent means all these horrible things & how they wish their money and time was theirs again.

I think many people get pleasure ranting about how horrible thing are, it's a way a lot of people bond, and there is at times a cultural discomfort to say we're happy and content.

This is true. I find not having children at 44 very different to not having them at 24 (though I am so constantly exhausted I cannot imagine how I would deal with parenthood now).

I never understand why people get so annoyed at people who don’t have children. The kind of behaviour you mention in your post seems unnecessarily cruel.

I think regret is a bit of a strong word for how I feel. But I definitely wouldn’t have had my kids before I knew and loved them if I knew then what I know now.

I know - I often think the people saying it are a bit insecure about their decision to have kids, so are trying their best to convince themselves it was worth it.

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up

You can also have both of those feelings and still not regret them!

I don’t regret having children at all - they’re wonderful.

However, I do have some regrets about the circumstances I chose to have them in.

Not enough to regret them, though.

I wasn’t talking to or about you. The PP said her entire existence revolved around her children. Those children will grow up and leave home one day. It’s not healthy to have your children or partner for example, as your entire existence!

I think some of it could be parents feeling not sorry for but feeling something similar towards child free friends and downplaying things for their benefit. Society makes having a family seem like a goal for women so to soften things to a single or child free friend, people might say things like “Oh, aren’t you glad you’re not dealing with this, children are so hard and you have a lovely free life and get to do your own thing, I’m so jealous”. Hence the child free person coming on here to say all their friends moan about having children and regret their families when really we’re just being a bit British about it.

Same. Definitely life enhancing for me, even though I have found parts of it hard and stressful - especially the young adult stage, which is where they are now.

However, I feel guilty when they aren’t happy/how overcrowded places feel now and how expensive it all is…I never considered for a second when deciding to have children that they would suffer or how shit the world can be. It was all about what I wanted at the time. Mine are early twenties now and have worries I never had (despite having bank of mum and dad to ease them more than most). DS has a lot of career angst!

I don't regret having children at all. My pre-child life was very different, but the lives of twenty somethings are always different to the lives of forty somethings. At some point you have to grow up. I guess without children. I'd have...I don't know....gone on more city breaks? Eaten out more? So what? It just seems a bit boring.

Reading back I don’t know if I’ve explained that well but as an example I’ve got a colleague in his early thirties and he and his wife don’t have dc yet and are always jetting off somewhere lovely. I’ll often say things to him like “Well tomorrow night you guys will be in the airport, glass in hand and I’ll be at home ironing the uniforms!” but in reality, I’m exactly where I want to be and I would never give up what I’ve got for what he’s got and I’m sure he feels the same at the moment. We’re all at different stages and wanting different things, life is hard so we try and be nice to each other.