To think a lot of people regret having kids but are too ashamed to say it?

[ThatDenimLurker]

You can love your child and still mourn the life you gave up.

You've been the loudest on the thread so far, arguing with anyone who feels different to you.
I get you're a perfect parent who has never been bored for a nanosecond while raising your children. Yippee for you.

Well it’s all true - have you read the similar thread on the people without children board? It is really nasty about parents - and so are a lot of comments on this thread

This is a fantastic response - so true!

Let me guess - you are a member of the childfree board?

It's not true. But this:

IMO you guys are protesting too much about happy your lives are child-free and feel a lot of resentment to parents who actually enjoy their lives with their kids in it

is just offensive bullshit. Why do you think any of us would envy you? Seriously?

No, I'm not.
Why would you think that? Because I disagree with you?

I agree.

People are always saying, "I've never met anyone who regrets having children!"

No-one is going to admit to it but I think plenty do.

(And FWIW I adore DD and love having her. She was planned for a very long time and she's the most important thing in my life. There are still times that I miss our lives before, and yearn for a tidy living room and a quiet meal out!)

Of course you do! It’s only natural

Because you sound just like them

Some of the comments on this thread about how no parent could ever regret having children are exactly the reason why the people I know who do regret it, don’t mention it to other parents. It doesn’t mean they aren’t good parents to the children already here, or let them know how they feel, but yes, they say that the wish they hadn’t done it.
I find it sad for them that they feel that way amd hope that they eventually do find some joy in their children because why wouldn’t I?

Who is "them" fellow female adult human beings, sorry I don't see it as parents vs non parents, us vs them.
You sound like Andrew Tate.

I often feel like this, mourning the life i could have had, especially when my kids are being assholes or when i react to them in a way that I don't like. Mostly I miss the freedom, being able to eat something without little grabby hands and whiny voices, and being able to go on holiday to adventurous places any time in the year that isn't school holidays.

I wouldn't call that regret though, feels too strong.🙂

I have met quite a lot of men and women over the years who say they regret having children.

A lot of my friends say they love their children and grandchildren and, in some cases, great grandchildren but if they could go back in time they would not have any.

May be coincidence but almost all of my friends with children are divorced, some more than once, but all my friends and family who are childfree have only been married the once and for between 25 and 50 years.

In my friendship group it's the complete opposite- people have expressed sadness and regret that they never had kids and its caused their relationships to split up.

Same with everyone I know - those who don’t have children are the ones that have split up, usually due to an affair

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8294566/

Surveys conducted over the last few years on representative samples in the US and Germany suggest that the percentage of parents who regret having children is approximately 17–8%.
...
The results obtained show that the percentage of parents who regret parenthood is higher in Poland than in the US or Germany, and that parents who regret having children are characterized by a higher level of adverse childhood experiences, have poorer psychological and somatic health, are more vulnerable to social evaluation, and experience strong parental identity crisis and parental burnout. Regretting parenthood also turns out to be associated with the parent’s financial situation and marital status, and with having children with special needs.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-future-self/202310/if-you-regret-parenthood-researchers-say-youre-not-alone
The team of researchers who conducted the study highlighted past research showing that regret over having children isn’t rare or unheard of, as 5-14% of parents have this feeling. They also noted that social disapproval around this topic, alongside the absence of ways to assess regret over parenthood, are both factors behind the relative scarcity of research in this valuable area. To address this issue, they created and tested an assessment known as the Parenthood Regret Scale. They translated it across three languages (i.e., Polish, French, and English) and found that it’s a reliable and valid measure.

In their research with this scale, they found a link between regret over parenthood and parenting burnout, depression, and contentment with one’s life. Specifically, more parental regret was connected to less happiness with life and more parenting burnout and depression

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/parents-children-regret-yougov-survey-b1871964.html

Data from YouGov shows that although the vast majority of parents (83 per cent) say they have never felt regret about starting a family, eight per cent say they regret it, while another six per cent previously had regrets but don’t now.
YouGov surveyed 1,249 parents and found that not all who regret the decision to become a parent feel the same way forever. One in seven regretted having children at some point in their lives, compared to one in 12 who said they still regret it.

The figures are higher than I thought they'd be - and I wonder as financially it's got harder in many countries and socially less support from families and as work hours and commutes have got longer the number have it's increased.

Did they choose to be childfree? All my relatives that have no children chose that and I know most of my friends did too (not sure about all of them).

I probably know almost as many childfree couples as couples with children and they are all definitely happier. A lot of the ones with children say having children destroyed their marriage

Yeah good point there The divorces amongst my friends are much higher with those who have kids. The ones that have been married 25 years plus are all childfree

I think the divorse rate amount marrige with kids is slightly higher than no children but there are other factors

https://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2010/07/08/does-having-children-contribute-to-your-risk-of-divorce/

The main reasons couples divorce have far more to do with the age at which they married and their kids, according to a spate of recent studies.

...

A woman who marries before she turns 18 has a 48% likelihood of divorcing, almost twice that rate as women who wait until they’re 25 or older to wed and who face just a 24% likelihood of divorce.
...
Issues about children—from how couples feel about having them to their gender and health—are also high on the list of divorce triggers, according to Rufus’ research. For instance, a woman who wants a child or children much more strongly than her spouse is twice as likely to divorce as couples who agree on the number of children they want. Moreover, couples with two sons have a 36.9% likelihood of divorcing versus couples with two daughters who face a 43.1% likelihood. And couples with a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit disorder) are 22.7% more likely to divorce before their child turns eight than parents of a child without ADHD.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6993964/
Shorter interbirth intervals were associated with an increased risk of parental divorce over a ten-year follow-up. Individuals with birth intervals of up to 1.5 years had 24–49 per cent higher divorce risk compared to individuals whose children were born more than 4 years apart. The pattern was similar in all socioeconomic groups and among individuals with earlier and later entry to parenthood. Our results add to the growing body of research showing associations between short birth intervals and negative outcomes in health and family functioning.

@KimberleyClark

Quite. If everyone became a mature and responsible adult the moment they became parents there wouldn’t be any children growing up in care.

I simply do not understand how people, with a straight face insist on the superior, more “balanced” characters and selflessness of parents and completely ignore the existence of children’s homes, social services and children running wild. Also ignore some awful people who are also parents.

Is it just wilful blindness?

Suggests some parents stay together solely for kids? In a way then it’s more impressive when people like Theresa May have decades long marriages as it is simply their love for each other keeping each other together.

I don’t see why “splitting up” is seen as a negative. If it’s not working it is not working and if no kids involved then why remain in a bad
partnership?

Or it shows that couples with kids are happier 🤷‍♀️

Potentially but doubtful.

If childless couples felt children would add to their happiness they would have them (infertility aside.)

I think what I'd quite striking about this conversation is that the benefits of having children have been entirely focused on the parents. Children will stop you being bored and lonely when you're older, they'll help prevent your relationship breaking up or even that they'll stop you drinking too much when older!

Of course I am not saying that these are the only reasons people have children, but it seems quite peculiar to me the reasons which benefit the parents seem to be the only ones being discussed!