AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

When you talk about getting your son something, what is it? For example, do you mean something like going to a cafe and getting him a pie but not her? Or do you mean buying him a new sweater because he doesn’t have one? If it’s the former, you are being super rude and petty. If it’s the later, you don’t need to get her anything.

It’s bizarre that she wants to buy gifts for her son that aren’t a joint family gift, like something they could both make use of - he’s not a child anymore, why does he need random gifts from his mother? Very weird, and clearly an attempt to insult the wife, which obviously isn’t going to go down well with either of them.

Also, weird that she expects her son to visit her 13 hours away without his wife - I would be very insulted and think my MIL didn’t want to see me, which is obviously the case here.

Perhaps OP has never had a good relationship/marriage herself, so she doesn’t realise her son is actually acting like most caring husbands should. Perhaps she’s jealous.

This is all pointless though because, like most narcissists do, the OP won’t listen to anyone who’s not backing her.

It could be controlling behaviour - my daughter had a controlling boyfriend when she was 17 and we had no idea. People often don't understand how it works. The controlled partner finds it easier to go along with whatever their partner wants, and this can go on for years under everyone else's radar. It is when the controlled partner gets fed up and starts deviating from their partner's wishes that things become a problem.

We are pretty sure my nephew is being controlled by his partner. He is much older than my nephew - he proposed after a couple of weeks and my nephew moved to his city and my brother and the rest of the family are concerned because planned meet ups are suddenly cancelled. My nephew is on the autistic spectrum and pretty vulnerable.

The general advice is to be there for your relative. Some people get cross with the seeming lack of respect etc and go into a sulk and this plays right into the controlling partner's hands. So just be there for him .

You just don’t give up, do you? Can’t you see how controlling, unreasonable, entitled and just thoroughly unpleasant you are? I thank the Lord that you’re not my mother-in-law, and your daughter-in-law has my sympathy, No wonder they live so far away. I’m amazed they are still in the same country, to be honest.
We are wasting our time trying to help you. You ignore every suggestion you disagree with and just take every opportunity to put your daughter-in-law down. You are a sad person who will not compromise and I, for one, am out of here!

This poor bloody man and his wife.

They have 2 hours between him being at work and going to sleep? The answer isn't that mother phones in those hours because "what other chance does she have"??

Just. Don't. Phone. Him.

When he wants to phone you, HE will call YOU.

She has said she will reduce phone calls and include DIL when gifting.

Posters are ignoring her instinctive feeling that something is wrong. Again, as she suggests, reverse the genders and see if people feel differently

I think people are being somewhat harsh to be fair. Yes, his wife is and should be his number one but his mam should be on his radar too. Not everyday necessarily but maybe once a month minimum. Just a check in call. Doesn't need to be for hours.

OP I can tell you right now if you get your youngest to speak to his brother you’ll light the fuse and you’ll likely lose both son and DIL. They’ll be furious you have overstepped and by accusing her of abuse - which you are is effectively accusing her of committing a crime (domestic abuse and coercion) and that’s against the law so you are slandering your sons wife. You’ll cause a massive rift and you’re bang out of order because as I think the majority of us agree you’re angry you’re not No1 and looking for problems

Honestly you sound a bit of a nightmare.
I'm a daughter and don't speak to my mum that often.
Texting / WhatsApp are better options. People don't want inane chit chat when finished work and trying to relax before bed.

She’s phoning him 3 times a week though…

You keep referring to your “child”. He’s not a child, he’s a grown man!! My eldest son lives on the other side of the world. My other son doesn’t keep in touch much, but I know that I have raised two strong independent men. They are not “mummy’s boys” which it seems as if your son is desperately trying to get away from. Get yourself some hobbies. Get some friends. Join some clubs and meet people. Your constant calling him is driving him away and it’s your own fault. You will never be his priority unfortunately as he’s a grown up adult with his own woman to love. If you don’t change your attitude, you will never see any grandchildren they may give you…think about it…seriously.

Don't be ridiculous, he's still the OPs child, regardless of his age.

Wirh an attitude like that there's possibly a reason one of your children moved to the other side of the world and the other barely speaks to you.

Honestly if you get the vibe something is wrong speak to your other son. But could it possibly be because DIL feels you don’t see her as family and it’s creating a wedge and your son sees her point? Why would you get your son a souvenir and not her? Or get a combined gift if money is an issue? Maybe them saying what she wants is a not so subtle hint that you’re being rude leaving her out. It’s not like she’s one of many flash in the pan relationships. Maybe make a conscious effort to speak to her and ask her before being told and see if thing’s improve? I remember getting what looked like a 2nd hand scarf from my MIL for our first Christmas together and he got a £50 value gift. We spent Christmas at her house. Not going to lie, that scarf felt like a kick in the teeth but at least it was something! And that was only knowing her 5 month not 14 years. By the second Christmas it was equal

"gifting presents"?

Are they like "presents"?

He’s NOT a child!! He’s a grown adult, and she is a nightmare. My son in Australia Skypes me, and my other one WhatsApps. My daughters live close by. We all get on well and don’t live in each other’s pockets. If one of them only had a two hour window to spend with their wives/husbands, I sure as hell wouldn’t be ringing to ask how house repairs are going! They are not children. The poster doesn’t seem to realise when she rings he probably puts his phone on speaker, which is why DIL pipes up. What’s wrong with that? They’re a family. His wife is his priority, not his mummy for goodness sake. I bet the OP’s poor husband is henpecked to hell.

I will start getting a combined gift for both my son and DIL or a gift for each. But I disagree that phone calls to my son yes he is no longer a child but he will always be my child if that makes sense? And yes my DIL is family but sorry married or not I disagree she always has to be involved in every single phone call. I feel a mother has the right to have a private phone call with her son. And asking about home repairs is something every mom can ask her child about that’s normal conversation to ask about things going on in their life. You act like it’s crazy for a mom to want to stay connected to her child just bc he is an adult. It’s ridiculous you act like I should just drop my personal relationship with my son because he is married and be downgraded to acquaintance status very rarely calling and asking only very minor questions. Because now it’s all about his wife

Please update us in a few years.

I’ve not read all of the replies as when I clicked on yesterday it was page 2! I apologise if I’ve missed vital info!

I’m sure it’s really upsetting as I’m assuming you think he’s ignoring you. But personally, I struggle with phone calls if I have nothing to say. Surely there can’t be anything new to say if you call every two days?

My husband currently tries to call his mum most (usually every) Sunday. But sometimes life gets in the way.

For the first ten years we were together I felt like I got blamed for “taking him away” and anything vaguely negative was blamed on me. However, my husband chooses when he finishes calls and says “right I need to go and make the kids tea”. I’m sure this makes my MIL think I never make tea for the kids! I probably make their food 80% of the time but it’s the one phrase that allows him to get off the phone quickly.

If I’ve understood it correctly they work opposite shifts so rarely see each other. Could it be that, rather than it be an abusive relationship, they’re just struggling and going through a bad patch you don’t know about? I split from my husband for a while just before Covid and moved out with the kids. We got back together eventually but my MIL never knew and will never know.

😆

"very rarely calling". Woman you call three times a week. Very rarely would be once every 6 months. Please please leave him alone to live his life. Why not call once a month?

OP, despite what you keep saying, you are not in fact entitled to a relationship with your son just because you’re related. Did it ever occur to you that the things you talk to him about are boring? Maybe he just isn’t interested in your mundane chit chat.
if I were you I’d take a good look at myself and change my ways. If you don’t, he will eventually cut you off. If they ever have kids, I bet they will not bring them to visit you.

i say this as someone who has a very toxic MIL. My husband got sick and tired of her emotional blackmail a long time ago. It was me who kept encouraging him to call her. I stopped that after she continued to insult me in my own home, and badmouth me to my husband. I’m not stopping him from calling her, he’s just not interested. She lives on the other side of the world and do you think we’ve invested our hard earned time and money taking our daughter to visit? Of course not! Why would we go to such effort to be around someone who insults and belittles us?

Be careful OP, you are going to push your son away for good.

Because his wife IS more important than you. You’re driving them both away but you just won’t accept or admit it. I feel desperately sorry for you. Wake up before it’s too late.

No one is ignoring her. But on balance posters think she is not very self aware and can’t reliably report about the son’s marriage. She consistently represents perfectly ordinary couple stuff (husband loves wife! Happy 14 year relationship! Wife answers phone! Wife chimes in when present, wife accompanies husband on 13 hour trip to visit family) as quite nefarious and proof of abuse. These are all perfectly normal and digns of a healthy marital relationship. OP just doesn’t like it that son and DIL are a couple.

I’m confused by the present thing if I’m honest. Again, I’ve probably missed the explanation so apologise.

What presents are they? Do they ask for them? Do you offer?

Have you previously given presents as a unit so that’s what they have come to expect?

Personally, we’ve kinda implemented a present ban as we’re trying to declutter. Maybe the present thing is a sign of a bigger issue but it depends on what you have done as a family in the past.

Do you have any hobbies?

feel a mother has the right to have a private phone call with her son

For the love of god, @MyCyanShaker, your son is making it VERY plain he isn’t interested in a private phone call with you.

He puts you on speaker, which is how his wife is able to pipe up. Because he isn’t interested in a private chat.

He wants to end the call when she gets home because he would rather spend time with his wife than be on the phone with you.

When you ask what he’d like you to bring him “from your travels” he puts you on speaker so his wife can say what she’d like, given that he’s told you repeatedly he doesn’t want a gift just for him because they are a married family unit.

The poor bloke can try and explain it until he’s blue in the face but you’re still ignoring him. Short of hiring a plane to sky write the message BACK OFF MUM, he couldn’t be any clearer.