AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

I'm in your camp OP, my son is in the same position. During lock down I would phone to see if he was ok, he would never answer the call. He would call me from the garage, one time he called me from the garden and she hear my voice, piped in, I thought you was calling "Simon". Very aggressive and controlling. I had a feeling right from the start of the relationship that she was controlling him, even at their wedding he had 4 family members and a couple of friends, he has a large family. The rest was her family and friends. He paid for the whole thing. 7 years down the line, he know admits he is not looking to the long term with her and has only just started to open up to me.

All of my son's friends have now told him they don't like her too, it's very sad to watch.

You need to hang in there and sadly just let him come round to feeling confident to opening up to you. Don't make accusations through conversation, ask questions and see how he answers. You just need to be there for him should it all go wrong. There's not really much you can do if he is genuinely happy though. It's a tough one.

Yeah everyone is all but she is his wife they are one unit but I should still be able to maintain a personal relationship with my son and I hate feeling obligated that if I get him a gift I have to gift his wife. I also don’t like that as soon as she walks in the door my son is expected to just drop everything and hang up with his own mother. I know my son and he seems very off and agitated. He did tell me that they come as a unit and it’s rude to gift him but not his wife so maybe I should always include his wife from here on out with gift giving unless of course it’s a special celebration that is my son’s alone such as his bday. I’m going to have his youngest brother the one he is closest to talk to him.

I do respect the answering the phone thing as that’s his wife and as long as my son is ok with it that dynamic is between them but I can’t exactly put my finger on why it bothers me.

Face facts you are no longer number 1 in his life and you need to get over it.
maybe he’s getting agitated on the phone because he has nothing to say to you considering you call him 3 times a week. When his wife walks in of course he wants to talk to her, if it’s that much of an issue for you try calling at a different time. Shes the centre of his universe and rightly so, it doesn’t matter what your other children do or what anyone else’s child does it’s what he and his wife does that matters most to him.
As for the gift thing I thought it was a bit odd, surely if you’re away and buying souvenirs for people why the hell are you excluding your DIL? She’s a part of your family and has been for 14 years you need to give the poor woman a break!

Yes me too.

@MyCyanShaker can I suggest that in future you are clear, when posting, as to whether you are simply seeking validation and endorsement for your actions, or you are being open-minded and asking for advice?

It would save us all a lot of effort.

Exaaaactly.

OP refuses to even remotely consider her son is agitated due to her behaviour.

It bothers you because you are extremely self centered and unempathic. All your posts absolutely reject any empathy fir your DIL and your son, as well as rejecting the advice and reassurance offered by other posters. You are absolutely deaf to anything that does not confirm your wounded ego.

I totally agree with what you say regarding the gifting as long as it works Both Ways ie: the Wife’s parents also include him in there gifting and the wife and Son also buy his Mom gifting presents too when needed …..

I think I might take this one off Watch. OP hasn't taken anything on board or changed her position despite all the comments.

My friend once told her NM SHE had no empathy and then had to explained to her Narcissistic mother, what Empathy means.
The NM replied:
What would I want that for?

It bothers you because you are overbearing and no matter what you say you feel you should be the main woman in his life. You probably buy him gifts to gain some emotional control “look what mummy bought you” the fact you mention gifts at all is strange. I have no one on one time with him, this is a strange comment, you clearly resent his wife and he probably sees it and her also. Calling 3 times a week he probably has nothing new to talk to you about. Your comment he worships her sounded so jealousy filled, yes you birthed him, yes you raised him but unfortunately he is now a grown man and can make his own decisions. Is he your favourite? How do you get on with your other sons and their partners?

Hi op,

If You try to develop a relationship with her, it might not be too late. But you showed your colors so don’t be too disappointed if she says no.

Another future grandma that will not know why it didn’t work out despite everyone telling her why 👀

It sounds as if you are in competition with your DIL for your son’s time and attention. You clearly dislike her and you are attributing his behaviour as a reaction to her control.
I’m sure your son loves you but you are not going to win this battle. I suspect you are driving them both crazy with the frequency of the calls and the banality of the conversation.
I suspect the buying him gifts thing is also seen by both of them as an attempt on your part to divide and rule.
I think you should give up the fight to be the most important woman in his life and just think about what he needs from you just now. That might be a bit of space and less of the passive aggressive digs at the DIL.
speak to him. Tell him you love him and miss him but you are concerned you might be smothering him with all the calls. Ask him how often and how he’d like you to communicate with him. Start saying positive things to him about DIL. Abide by his timetable for calls. See what happens. Don’t go interfering in his marriage or dragging your youngest son into it. What you consider controlling might just be your DIL trying to protect him from constant intrusions. You might find your relationship with both of them improves if you are honest about your motives for constantly calling and back off a bit.

At least read the OPs posts, OP lives 13 hours away from her son.

Most people when on holiday would buy a couple souvenirs not just one person. Especially as she has been part of your family for a long time. It just gives them both a clear msg that you don't like her.
Unless that is your aim?
Do you want them to separate?
He probably sounds agitated because he doesn't want to be on the phone.
It is sad when its your own children . But people often distance themselves unintentionally from parents. Life just snowballs and people are busy.
If I got home from work and only had a short amount of time with my dh before he was gone for the night I also wouldn't want him to be spending it on the phone.

God, you haven't listened to a thing on here.

You need to stop phoning him 3 times a week, that is far too often. Once every week or so would be sufficient.

It’s a shame you’re not taking the comments here on board, it doesn’t come across to me like it’s a DIL issue, it’s Mother/son issue.

You’re just determined to make this worse, aren’t you?

Yes to this. I was thinking the same just now. The OP is a broken record with narrow minded views and ridiculous expectations. I'm not surprised he hangs up on her when his wife walks in after the third call of the week. Your Mother - again!
I'm expecting a post in 6 months with the OP upset that her DS has gone NC because his wife told him to. 🙄Sad really, it's shame people can't see their own mistakes after having them revealed by so many.

Your son is not in the same position.

OP is worried about her son because he’s too happy with his wife and she wants to be a priority.

Feel that response to this is quite biased & a sign of the times.

It sounds as if your son is in a controlling relationship.

I should know as my eldest son is in one, has even admitted it , has 2 children , doesn't want to lose them so consequently we have not only lost him but also 2 grandchildren.

Controlling partners can be toxic for everyone.

Why do resent buying her a gift so much? It's an odd thing to get so upset about.
If his wife walking through the door when you're on the phone is a regular occurrence, perhaps it's a sign that it's not a convenient time! Learn from it and pick a different time to call!

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother in law. She treats me like a daughter, and always gets me gifts in the same way she does her son who I’m married to. My parents are the same with my husband. I suggest you start treating your DIL like a daughter, get her the gifts, in fact ask what she wants. If, once you’ve been doing this consistently for a while, your son is still a bit off with you then maybe you have reason the be concerned. However, if you find your relationship with your son improves, I think you’ll find that it’s you that’s been the problem.

It bothers you because you have no self awareness and you have convinced yourself that your son's agitation is due to his wife's behaviour when it is obvious to the vast majority of people on this thread that it's due to your clingy and cloying behaviour.

Your son keeps telling you what is bothering him, that you deliberately exclude his wife when buying gifts and he thinks that it is rude and unkind, but you refuse to take this on board and stoping doing it.

It is also crystal clear that he loves his wife, that their working patterns mean that they don't have a lot of time together and that he doesn't want to waste the precious little time they have together on the phone to his mother who insists on phoning when she knows his wife is due to arrive home.

If you persist with this behaviour, you will drive him further away and he will probably go no contact with you.

Dont involve your younger son - you could well be about to implode this relationship and the one with your younger son. Your language is really interesting - his wife, my son, “im his mother”, i know my son. I really really encourage you to shine the magnifying glass inwards, because I fear you’ll be posting in a month saying youre not in contact with two sons (and DIL who is “responsible” for it all).
please, please take the advice on board - come up for air, swallow your pride and take a moment before you do anything else.
the problem with narcissistic parents is they dont look in, and youre really at danger of coming across like that to them and being found guilty as charged if you dont do some inward looking. If you do it properly and challenge yourself and still think the same fine, but i think the weight of this thread shows you might find some wiggle room.