AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Yeah, I've just read the other thread and I'd put money on it being the same person.

At least let's hope that there isn't more than one of them!

Have you considered this?

He has 2 hours between getting up and going to work. His wife isn't there when he wakes up so he has less than 2 hours a day with his wife. So when she does walk in HE WANTS TO get off the phone and spend the time with her.

Also, the way you speak about her on here, if you have even a tiny bit of that attitude towards her when you speak to your son, he will know you hate her with a passion and he will resent you for that. Because it's absolutely obvious. And THAT is why he gets agitated when speaking to you.

This is nothing to do with him being controlled, although yes, women can be controlling too, and everything to do with the fact he knows you dislike his wife and you demand his time with her.

Of course women can be controlling! This MIL is controlling!

Equally marrying someone does not give that spouse, male or female a god-given right to interrupt, make said spouse feel uneasy talking to their own mother

How do you know he is uneasy? How do you know he's not desperate to get off the phone from his mother who rings incessantly and wants to talk for 15 minutes?

Not the case in many, many families, you are so wrong. Very sad post

But there is no evidence of this abuse. The only “evidence “ is the absolutely kooky statements of the OP which reveal only the thinnest of a connection with reality. I mean the DIL could be a lizard person carefully concealing her roots in an alien star system in order to gain control of souvenir mugs but how likely is that? The OP is an unreliable narrator.

Honestly, first of all i read your post & thought, yes absolutely id be worried if i thought my son was being controlled. Reading the other comments like needing 1 on 1 time with your son, im wondering if u r pushing yourself out. As a mum, youve done a great job if your kids put the family they have created first, if you r still the priority thats failure. He seems like he is off being a great husband and he knows youll be there when he needs you. So that to me is sucess.

And how do you know he isn't? His own mother senses he is but oh, I forgot, she doesn't count anymore

His mother is by her own evidence presented on this thread controlling and hyper critical. She has offered zero evidence that the DIL is abusive or in the wrong at all.

The more you post @MyCyanShaker the more I think your son is trying to give you a hint- stop phoning so much!

If you are worried just ask your other son if he thinks his brother is ok and then leave it there. You sound utterly entitled and smothering.

His mother calls him on three different days a week during the time she knows the wife is going to come in and unless I missed it, hasn’t asked him what would be the best time to call.

How much does one person have to talk about between those days especially knowing the other person works overnights and doesn’t get a lot of time with the spouse they live with?

I’m a six hour time difference from my parents. Mother will call on a Tuesday or Friday, dad typically calls on a Sunday and they live in the same house. Sometimes the conversations may be 4 minutes long, others may be closer to an hour depending on how much time we both have. Sometimes we miss a week. No hurt feelings on either side. Definitely doubt they would think my DH is being controlling.

She wants to call him 3 days a week and has her expectations but doesn’t take into account what he wants nor has thought to ask but chooses to blame her DIL.

His mother may sense but she isn’t there all the time so she can’t really truly know the dynamics that go on in their marriage she can’t just speculate which is all she is doing right now. And you are ignoring the fact the OP is REPEATEDLY calling knowing that this is the precious time he gets 2 awake hours with his WIFE and this is the time his mom chooses to call not respecting their time together. Like other posters have said the definition of repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the literal definition of insanity. So OP keeps repeating the same actions of calling at the same time instead of asking her son hey I notice when I call it’s during the time your wife gets home and you don’t have much time to chat when is a better time. I mean think about it he has TWO hours to spend with his wife and you think he should spend almost half that time with his mother and OP should expect that. This is crazy!!! She is calling incessantly knowing darn well that’s his time with his wife.

Why do you think she doesn't count anymore?

Course she does. But not to the extent of demanding three 15-minute phone calls a week

I have adult children, I wouldn't dream of behaving like the op does

Come off it. OP is a passive aggressive, controlling nightmare and it is obvious from OP's own narrative that he has had enough of it. His own mother has zero self-awareness and a victim complex. She completely ignores the posters giving her sensible advise on how to improve the situation and only directly responds to the posters that agree with her and slag off her DIL.

This is why he avoids you. How tedious.

You are being so unreasonable. My lovely MIL would only have ever bought us gifts together or one each. I answer my husband’s phone if he is busy. He wants me to and vice versa.
They are a unit and you are phoning 3 times a week in the precious little time they get together. You say 5 minutes and then you say 10 minutes. Of course your son goes to speak to his wife when she gets in from work. She is more important to him than you.
Are you lonely?

As a mother to two boys I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when they grow up and get married.
I came to the realisation that to maintain good relationships with my sons, I need to be a brilliant mother in law. Supportive, loving and fun but not overbearing.
My husband and I had no family support when our children were young and I never want my own children (or their wives!) to struggle or feel unsupported.
Have you been a good mother in law?
Do you offer them (the emphasis on “them”) your support?
Their marriage is the foundation stone (and your grandchildren’s if they are parents) of their whole lives. You should do everything to help them have a strong and healthy marriage.
If you haven’t done that, maybe that’s where the problem lies?

It's clear you don't see your DIL as family which sort of undermines their commitment to each other to start with. My MIL is the same, my family treat my husband like family and then my MIL treats me as a tart who's not a permanent fixture, lord knows why as I've been a great wife and girlfriend so I can only put I down to some sort of inverted Oedipus complex. We had a baby this week and as I'm bleeding into a nappy recovering from the birth, she's ranting and raving about how butt hurt she was that she wasn't invited to the delivery room and that she can't see her grandchild as soon as she wants - I guess I'm just an incubator and my daughter is just a dolly to her. I would bet you any money that she wouldn't have me in a room where she was naked, spread-eagle for 12 hours while having a bowel movement and in severe pain with my downstairs being ripped to shreds. It really made me realise that really I'm just an object to her and me exercising any sort of free will angers her. At this point I'm totally checked out of the relationship with her - I'll be pleasant, but that's all she'll get from me. See her behave like this has made my husband see her in a new light. Many MILs are their own worst enemy - they can't expect their sons to respect them when they treat their wives like crap. Give respect, get respect.

This post is top notch 👌you've clearly down lots of self-inventory on this and sound like you'll be a lovely MIL @PoddleOn

OP I think maybe you should get your own life and stop trying to back seat drive your son's(?) I can only imagine someone who interferes this much in the lives of others has a pretty empty life themselves?

Despite being asked many times, OP hasn’t answered any of the, Husband ? Friends ? Hobbies ? Do you get out much ? questions.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Not sure what you do about it though.

Sounds like you are the problem.It seems as if your looking for something to cause trouble in your sons relationship not your daughter in law.

I think your son perceives your actions as failure to acknowledge his relationship with his wife. The buying gifts for him thing wouldn't be such a problem, I suspect, if both of them felt their relationship was respected by you. He's told you how to fix that - treat your daughter in law like family and include her.

When you're living a long way apart from each other it's not practicable to be involved in the minutiae of each others lives.

When somebody is 'always' on the phone at precisely the 'wrong' time I think general rules of politeness shift. They want to reconnect when she arrives home and your phone call is a barrier. I think this will be less of a problem when you're phoning much less frequently.

It's not unusual to decide to go on holiday and be out of touch for a week or two. I might not choose to do that but it's a perfectly reasonable choice to have a break from the day to day interactions you usually have.

I suppose the serious question for you is whether you think his wife is abusive at which point you have options like: asking the police to do a welfare check / gathering info on how to leave abusive relationships/ thinking about your own finances - could you help your son leave?

I suspect she isn't and what's going on is a mismatch between what you expected / hoped for by way of a relationship with your son as an adult and what's actually happening.