AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

In my experience this generation of young adults don't really 'do' phone calls. They're all about instant messaging.

Reading through these I would say OP you are finding it hard to let go of your son. If it was me I would not phone him for a while and let him phone you instead. Send the occasional message on WhatsApp instead. I think he sounds like an amazing man that has put his wife on a pedestal. Have you heard of the saying " a happy wife a happy life". Surely you should be pleased to think he is happy and loves his wife. Please move on and be happy for them. My husband always prioritised his mum but as the years passed it bothered me less. However I was really unhappy about it initially. My adult son is not married, but I have already advised him to prioritise his future wife over me. Knowing if he does so, she will be happy, and if she's happy, he is happy too. In the end all I want is happiness for my son. Another quote springs is to mind " a sons a son until he finds a wife a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life". Glad I have a daughter too!

I agree with what you’re saying but can I just add you should also want your son to treat your DIL nice not just for his sake but bc you care about your DIL in her own right bc she is a person not there just to make your son happy. After all when your son gets married your DIL becomes just as much family as he is and you are gaining a daughter not a son. I always find it strange when mothers of sons act like their son is single and continue to treat them as single like their DIL doesn’t exist. And I’m so confused by the OP complaining her son’s wife always accompanies him when visiting I mean duh they live 13 hours away most married couples vacation together. In fact I would find it odd for a family vacation if the spouse didn’t go. This is completely normal

I think it’s along the lines of “What would you like bringing back from Benidorm?”

him “I’m not that bothered by Sarah loves their leather belts”

Not gonna lie, fact you’ve posted this makes me think I’ve got off light with my MIL who also thinks I’m the world’s worst. People like you wouldn’t have been happy with any wife.

What do you even have to talk about three times a week? I’d find that incredibly suffocating from anyone, even my mum, and would be finding an excuse to hang up too.

As PPs have said, you need to adjust the expectations of your relationship. Nothing you’ve said indicates a controlling DIL to me.

doesn’t hang up the phone when his wife gets home. But I’m his mother why can’t he just say babe I’ll be with you in 10 minutes. Like the princess walked in the door I must hang up immediately

Bloody hell I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so jealous of their DIL on here before! So weird! Get a grip.

You need to accept that you’re not the most important person in his life.

I totally agree it’s rarely the wife because most of the wives like to call the shots .
it’s never there Mother /Father at fault always the husbands parents been to interfering.
This ladies concern should not be ignored , she
gave birth to him and she knows him inside out like NO other as the rest of her brood …
it’s been proved all mothers carry apart of all there children right up to the day they die .
Do stop the calling and slagging off trying to make her feel bad about her concerns for her son ……….

I think people are being somewhat harsh to be fair. Yes, his wife is and should be his number one but his mam should be on his radar too. Not everyday necessarily but maybe once a month minimum. Just a check in call. Doesn't need to be for hours.

Yes, she should be on his radar but how much is for him to decide not OP.

OP is choosing to call him three times a week knowing he has limited time with his wife. OP is choosing to blame her DIL for her son putting her on speaker unless he has the volume up loud or she is a loud talker making it easy for DIL to hear her. Her son has told her not to leave his wife out and instead of listening to her son, she is complaining about how she shouldn’t have to include his wife knowing he wants her to.

All her posts are about her not wanting DIL included or finding issue with what is normal for many couples.

She is choosing not to recognise and accept that he is an adult and can and has decided for himself who he is going to prioritise first and what he is and isn’t going to do or accept when it comes to his wife.

She could easily just ask him what would be a good day and time to talk during the week instead of calling him three times and expecting him to talk for her however long she desires.

Probably get more time even if it is less often.

Talk about dramatics. Sorry but no her son isn’t a little boy anymore. She doesn’t know him like his wife does not in the way she used to. His wife shares a bed with him a life that’s his immediate family. Unless she is there 247 she can’t possibly know the family dynamics. It seems like the OP is being controlling calling knowing good and well that is the very limited 2 hour time frame her son and DIL get to see each other awake. I would be pissed barring emergencies if I came home from work had 2 hours awake to spend time with my husband before he went off to work and he was staying on the phone with his mother cutting into our time together. Think about it that extra 15 minutes he would be on the phone is a quarter of time cutting into their time as a married couple. And I’m sorry but a ‘you’ is plural if you are on the phone and offering a souvenir/gift from a gift shop you are offering to son and DIL weird to buy for your son and ignore the fact he is married. You buy for a household or don’t buy at all. Why would you assume otherwise? Is the DIL not family? And also if everyday she is calling and her DIL is coming home from work and she is annoyed the call is being cut short why not pick a time that works better for her and her son? Ask her son what time works for them (not just him but them) they are a married unit. If there isn’t family health issues or any other emergency type situation why call almost every other day that’s suffocating! Dial the calls back to one day on the weekend and she may get more time on the phone with her son. Besides some people just aren’t big phone people. By the repeat calls at the same time knowing good and well that’s when her DIL gets home it seems like she is calling at that time deliberately to cut into their marriage time or to annoy her DIL. But sure the DIL is the controlling one in this scenario

I also find it weird if a family member went on vacation and only brought back a souvenir for one half of a couple. It sends a message loud and clear. If it’s junk I would prob ask mil to not buy anything anymore and also only if she can include the whole family. We are a unit a entity

Your DS' now prioritises his DW which is entirely normal It's your very obvious dislike of DiL which has caused the distance.
Your DS has done nothing wrong here

Oh but the horror how dare his wife answer her own husband’s phone to chat with her MIL instead of staring at it and letting it go to VM. Very telling her MIL would rather talk to a machine than her own DIL. And how dare she assume a, “hey do you want anything from the trip” include you in the plural sense? That’s just so outrageous to assume when you are married the audacity!! When my mother has aske, “what do you want from whatever store/destination/restaurant I automatically say, “oh if you don’t mind a shirt would be nice and Jim loves their chocolates so a shirt and a chocolate. That’s so kind of you and very much appreciated thank you!”

@MyCyanShaker I feel a mother has the right to have a private phone call with her son.

He did tell me that they come as a unit and it’s rude to gift him but not his wife

Ok. A mother has no "rights" over her adult children. None at all. Once your children are adults they have the right to live their lives the way they want. You cannot dictate how you want them to behave. In an emergency situation, what his wife wants will trump what you want.

The fact he had had to specifically tell you they are a unit says you do not respect his marriage. It's not something you say after a one off comment. It's something you are forced to say after a repeated pattern of behaviour.

Your son has new priorities in his life - his own family. Calling yourself relegated to an acquaintance is melodramatic. You're his mum, that won't change, but you are no longer centre stage in his life and you don't seem to be accepting that. If you want to be on his life at all, you need to listen to what he is telling you.

youve misunderstood what I’ve said. I’m saying the DILs are now family of the MILs. And MILs just seem not to accept that the moment their sons got married, the DILs became their (the MIL’s) family too

Take a step back, you are being controlling and unreasonable, you should treat them both the same, no ifs, buts and maybes, you treat you're DIL like a daughter, just the same as a SIL should be treated as another son. If you carry on the way you are going you will lose out in the end. His wife comes first with him always.

It doesn't matter what anyone post's if it's not inline with the op narrative she isn't going to take any other opinion on board.

I don’t know if this is your second post about this or not as read the same story previously, but leave them be if your son wants to talk to you he will and what’s with the constant bringing up the gift giving like who goes away and doesn’t buy the daughter in law aswell. My ex mil always bought me when she went away as well as her son and other kids and partners, grandkids.
it seems like you don’t like her which is fine if you don’t but stop blaming her it’s your son choosing not to speak to you and using his wife as an excuse to hang up the phone and he’s asking his wife to answer as he doesn’t want to speak to you. Phone once a week let them have their time together if he work nights or stop calling altogether and see if he makes the effort. Also the youngest will always call their a mamas boy and will use you to bail him out should times get hard, ask him to find out what’s wrong since your desperate to know

OP, why are you so jealous of your DIL? What is your relationship with your own husband or partner? Is that what it comes down to, you’re jealous that DIL has a partner who treat her well?

@MyCyanShaker are you going to listen to any of the hundreds of posters telling you that your son is an adult and has the ability to decide whether he wants to speak to you or not?

This is not his wife. This is your son. You have no "rights" to anything with him that he doesn't want.

You're calling 3 times a week, when you know she's home! And why does a call about home repairs need to be private? Why do you need to talk to him about stuff like that anyway? If that's the topic of conversation I wouldn't want to talk to you either. You're mad.

Are any of the hundreds of posters actually reading other people's posts? Because it's already been pointed out (yesterday!) that @MyCyanShaker has outed herself. Check out the post that she edited and look at her edit.

It seems like this son is the only married one, so you need to stop trying to compare your contact with him vs your other sons. Like some PP’s have suggested, you should probably cut back on the phone calls and maybe send a nice text. This way he can answer when convenient. Try another time of day for phone calls and keep it to once a week. If his wife answers, chat with her. She seems to be making an effort to talk to you. Have a nice chat with her and try to get to know her better.

When she arrives home, offer to hang up so he can spend time with her. Praise him for being a good husband and wanting to be with his wife. This way you come across as supportive of his relationship with his wife instead of in competition with her. I don’t think you mean to come across that way, but if he thinks you are, he may feel the need to make a point of putting his wife first. This could be one of the reasons he seems off or hangs up as soon as she walks in.

You should also assume that she is privy to anything you say to him. Since you know she sometimes chimes in on your calls, why not ask DS to sometimes put the call on speaker and include her. Don’t say anything to him that you wouldn’t say in front of her. My DH and I tell each other everything. When we first married, we told our families and friends this and not to expect us to keep anything (except a surprise) from each other.

Your son has requested that you treat them as a family unit and gift to both. View this as his request and honor it. When you ask what they would like, make a point to ask what she would like first. It doesn’t seem like a difficult request and it will probably make them both happy as she will feel included. She seems to want to be considered part of your family and I think it will make your son happy if he sees you making the effort to include her.

If you feel like you need his younger brother to check on him, ask him to. Just make sure you word it as he seems stressed/not himself. Don’t have him ask if his wife is the reason or say anything about phone calls with you. You actually shouldn’t make any complaints or say anything negative about her to anyone except your DH in private. You should also not allow your other sons to say anything negative about her. Just say something like “she is who DS has chosen and if she makes him happy, then we need to support their wishes”.

For a significant part of my marriage, my DH and I worked opposite shifts or he had to work away. We fiercely guarded the limited time we had together. We’ve both abruptly ended phone calls because the other just arrived home and we wanted to focus on each other. It was also really stressful. Between that and dealing with home repairs, this may be why your son seems off.

Being married and living away will have changed your son. You should praise him for treating his wife really well and make an effort to get closer to her. Show him that you see them as a family unit and want your relationship to evolve to reflect that. Keep everything pleasant and positive.

Actually, I'm wrong, it was pointed out a day and a half ago. I've been watching in bemusement as everyone rages on regardless! 😁