To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

I was a single mum. Formula bottle feeding at night was a game changer.

It's not you. Newborns are not enjoyable. It's a shock and exhausting trying to find your feet. Hang in there for a few weeks.

formula feeding, swaddle, earphones, bassinett. Honestly, if she is clean and fed, theres no reason to have to be attached all the time. nor to pander to clusterfeeding. thats where the bottle comes in - especially over night. I did one wake up, about 3am, but they ahd a bottle at 11pm, and again at 6am. slept through, apart from if a little colicy or ill. the formula also fills them better, reducing the reliance

You can get home help through a few programs - especially for the first few months, who may be able to come in and help clean, tidy, laundry etc.

This bit is SO hard. Tedious, boring, painful, and you can't think due to sleep deprivation. It does get better, honestly. Grind on through it, "this too shall pass". My second was a screaming nightmare baby: no physical issues, she was and is very independent, and was much happier once she could do anything at all for herself (like roll, sit, grab something). She's nine now, and the loveliest kindest silliest fun child ever. It was absolutely worth the misery of the first year.

Try and go outside now and then though - even if the baby screams, the change of scene is good for you, and some normal familiar human interactions will be too, especially if you're on your own at home.

Some babies are much easier than others. My first was not easy at all, second one a dream. I think just know you’ve got to ride out the bad times and it will get better.

do you have a social network? I always found companionship made the world seem brighter.

good luck. It’s totally normal. And very hard.

The answer basically is yes, you need to lower your expectations. Having a newborn is very hard, and it's fine to find it hard. It gets easier. Why not try going outside if you fancy it, it's ok if she fusses.

I found 12 weeks a turning point for my children. I too hated the newborn stage, but 12 weeks seemed to be a turning point and things did improve.

I hated the newborn stage. Even thinking back to it now makes me shudder.

It’s relentless, and if you have a baby that didn’t get the memo about sleep it is almost torture.

It DOES get better though, I absolutely promise you that. Little by little, it gets easier. You find your feet, baby settles a little bit faster, the crying reduces and you start to actually enjoy the tiny little terrorists. This is just a phase, and this too shall pass. You’ve got this OP, hang on in there x

4 weeks in is brutal!
The next few weeks might continue to be difficult but most of my friends once they got passed about 6 weeks started to be able to see the wood for the trees
You say no spit up but have you considered silent reflux?

I felt the same, I'm just not that into new babies. Hate breastfeeding. I've had a screamy baby and a more sleepy content baby and I felt the same with both. Just utilise the sofa time as well as possible. Binge watch series. I got into matched betting with one 🤣

I love being a Mum once they start doing stuff. Loved the toddler years. Mine are 7 and 9 now and I've really enjoyed every stage just not the baby stage.

I had a semi supportive partner at the time too. Get your friends and family to come and hold the baby, not so you hcan host them, so you can do stuff. Once the baby is strong enough to be back carried that's a game changer, I hated having them on my front, so much easier having them on your back.

Honestly, what you are feeling is completely normal. In my experience (and that of those I spoke to), the newborn says are best enjoyed with hindsight.

Wake windows were mostly bollocks for mine until 5/6 months tbh.

The best things I did for my mental health was to stop using social media because all the insidious messaging from bullshit American influencers gets to you, even if you try for it not too.

Go and sit in the garden. She can fuss there, or fuss on the sofa. Do what's good for you. Just keep her skin out of the sun

I’m really sorry you’re struggling OP, it can be really tough to adjust and especially so if you are on your own with it. Not at all having a go at you for your choice to be a single parent but I would say that does make things much much harder and more full on.

I did love the newborn days and managed okay but that was no doubt in large part because I had my husband who was absolutely amazing. I breastfed and he was at work during the day but it made a huge difference mentally to know he would be home at x time, to know that I could have 45 mins/an hour every night to just lay in the bath or on the bed while he looked after our daughter- that bit of me time each day made things feel more manageable, he would look after her while I went to bed and slept 8pm-11:30 without interuption which made a big difference to me too, he would prep me some breakfast, snacks and lunch before he left for work and then cooked dinner for us when he got home which took that off my plate and meant I could just focus on baby, he also kept on top of the washing/house tidying etc in those early days so literally all I had to do was keep me & baby going between 9-5, and even then he would call & text to check in, I always knew and felt we were in it “together” even if we weren’t physically together 24/7 and that was so helpful which is something you don’t have when it’s just you.

You say you have lots of support & people, could any of them do some of the “partner” things for you? Clean up for you, prep meals for you, sit with baby for a couple of hours so you can nap/shower/watch tv? I do think the biggest “help” really in the newborn days is having someone who looks after YOU and your house while you look after a baby.

Also, top tier move going for it as a single Mum👌 If I had my time again I would. Too many crap men about, it's not worth the risk.

Can you switch to formula, might help a bit. Swaddle her on a night, white noise for naps, is she a bit colicky? I’ve got a six week old and she’s the same, screams every time I put her down which is incredibly difficult with two other very young children to look after so I know it’s tough. My other two were much more content so I’m thinking it could be silent reflux or colic - might be worth a chat with the GP to see if they think she might have either of those.

It will get better, I promise. It’s such a shock with your first but honestly no harm will come to her if you pop her down for a couple of minutes to take care of your basic needs although I know it’s distressing to hear them cry.

It’s really hard and your experience sounds completely normal. It’s shit, isn’t it!

People kept assuring me that newborns can’t stay awake for more than two hours at a time. Well, nobody had told DD, who could do 13-hour stretches with ZERO sleep.

Sending you courage and good thoughts. I promise that it gradually gets better. Sone day you WILL have a whole night’s sleep again. Until then, just make it through however you can. Hugs 💐

As a pp said, some babies are much much easier than others.
My first didn’t fight sleep quite as much as yours but she would almost refuse to nap in the day, she’d occasionally sleep in the car after crying herself to sleep! It was exhausting, and o er stimulating and I hated it. I remember going to a mums group that had a guest visitor sleep consultant and told her everything I was doing to encourage day naps and her response was “I can’t help you” !!!!

Mine hated the pram too, so my visions of walking miles and miles with a sleeping baby quickly went out the window. The sling worked for me at home, and eventually I could use it out the house but my baby would go from 0-100 upset in seconds and then couldn’t be calmed down, she seemed to get no “comfort” from feeding so I couldn’t even use a boob to chill her out.

things that eventually helped me…I realised mine would struggle with being overstimulated, especially with light. So having naps in a dim room helped, swaddling also worked her us, and shushing - so we quickly got a white noise machine.

she never liked the pram, I couldn’t wander shops or anything but I bought a babymoov insert and that did help a bit.

I had to lower my expectations and found joy in the small stuff . I got really into listening to the radio for example.

this good news is it got a lot better, she became a consistent good napper, and self settled so well from an early age. She’s now a 2 year old and slept 7-7 from about 12 months.

I now also have a 2 week old baby and I don’t know what kind of baby she’ll be yet, but if she’s “fussy” my first purchase is going to be some loop earplugs. I found the crying with my last, even when all needs were being met really really difficult to handle.

you are allowed to feel this is really hard, and it will get better in time. And it is even harder for you because you are doing it on your own xx

Newborn stage is bloody hard. I breast fed on demand too, I was planning on breastfeeding for about 3 months and then formula feeding. I waited the recommended time before introducing a bottle, and my son refused. It didn't matter what brand of bottle or if it had breast or formula milk, he point blank refuses. We tried my husband feeding him with a bottle, without me being there, my Mum, you name it, we tried it! He wouldn't sleep without being physically on me, and barely napped during the day. I ended up exhausted from sleep deprivation and no one else being able to feed him. At 6 months he took a bottle from my husband, by which time he was being weaned. Sleep wise, we discovered he liked my dressing gown, and found a small blanket made from similar material, he snuggled it at night and actually slept! If you have anyone that can help you, even if it's to make you lunch or put a wash on, then take it. I promise you, it will get better.

It's absolutely fine to stop breastfeeding if you want to, without guilt. It's also fine to continue and spend most of your time on the sofa, without guilt. Nobody is expecting more of you than to get through each day.

My son is currently 12 weeks and we're only JUST starting to have nice little wake windows with him. He was the same as yours, either breastfeeding or screaming. There is no in between. And zero judgement on my part regarding having no partner, I have one but DS just screams in their arms so absolutely no help there! Try and get through these few month, I kept telling myself "it's all temporary" while I sat crying eating junk food and feeding him ! Brutal stage

Feeding or crying for the whole day with only 20 mins sleep at a time is not normal at four weeks old.

I don't say that as a criticism because it sounds like you're doing amazingly in extremely hard circumstances. Some babies are much harder work than others.

Has someone very experienced like an IBCLC done a proper feeding assessment for you including observing a full feed?

10lb sounds like they are gaining weight which is a positive sign at least. (What was birth weight and weight at 2 weeks old?)

Do you get pain with feeding?

Reflux can be "silent" ie not involving vomiting but still cause babies great distress.

It's normal and won't last forever I know it's not what you want to hear but babies wake frequently and cluster feed, in a few weeks it will settle down, I have an 11 month old who is still breastfed and I'm so glad I kept going past those few weeks, it does get much easier, you are in the hardest stage currently with being sleep deprived which doesn't help and makes things seem worse but I promise it does get a lot easier, my advice is just focus on baby and find something good on TV to watch and take it as an excuse to put your feet up

As someone who exclusively breastfed twins in the previous century (!) l emphasise with the feeling that all you do is feed. You have done really well to get your baby up to 10 lbs so soon, quality milk there! Gradually things will change. Ignore the housework and just concentrate on what you are already doing, feeding, cleaning and loving your daughter. You are feeling down, as a lot of your time is just you & your baby, a massive change from your previous life. You and your daughter have a lovely life ahead of you.

Newborns are hellish mini-tyrants, and it's fine to find it unbelievably hard and be convinced that you've made a gigantic error and wrecked your life. When DS was a month old I was googling 'adoption services' at 3 am and aghast at what I had done. I once pushed him into DH's arms, got up, dressed and left the house in the middle of the night. (Only to come back by the time I reached the street corner.) For many people, even those with a supportive partner and/or family help, it's an appalling time.

Look at it logically, you're sleep deprived, bored, frazzled, and in thrall to the frequently mysterious needs of a tiny being who can't communicate other than by crying, and whom you don't yet love. I certainly didn't love my baby DS -- why would I? I'd only just met him and all he did was cry, feed and sleep. (He's now 13 and beyond fabulous.)

Take the pressure off, OP. Recognise that it's really hard, and it's OK to find it really hard, and also that it will get better without you having to do anything differently. You are meeting all your baby's needs, and it's OK to recognise that you need to meet your own, too. If you want to go into the garden, do. Your baby may roar, but it might be worth it for a few minutes of air. And one of the weird things about the newborn stage is that something that a baby will ABSOLUTELY NOT TOLERATE will suddenly become fine overnight (and a new thing will become INTOLERABLE.) DS screamed like a banshee every time he was put in his pushchair for weeks, until I realised he thought I'd vanished because he couldn't see or hear me, so I just narrated him around Hampstead Heath by reciting every poem I could remember. There are probably still people wondering why a dishevelled-looking woman was reciting 'The Ancient Mariner' as she pushed a pram around Kenwood.

Best wishes. (Also, a book I found helpful was Naomi Stadlen's What Mothers Do.)

It’s brutal. I had the easiest baby in the world and I absolutely hated the newborn stage. Formula at night is a good call, she’ll sleep much better. It’s a bit like being a recovering addict - one day at a time. It’s also really good for both of you to get out, pop her in the pram and go for a walk.

I was a single mum from the moment i found out i was having a baby till the day he moved out.
It dose get better.