To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

Some babies are so much easier than others! And you're not wrong, even if you did have a partner very few of them come close to experiencing what a new mum goes through.

This is a storm and it will pass. So many of us have been there before, and the other side is beautiful.

Practical advise - shower every morning. Make time for 3 meals a day and prioritise protein. Life is harder hungry or sugar crashing. If the baby cries, the baby is breathing and the baby will be fine. You deserve to take care of yourself.

Get out of the house every day, even if it feels harder than staying in. It's a muscle that needs to be stretched and eventually it will be easier. If you leave at the same time baby gets used too if as a routine. If they will car nap, drive through coffee is life changing.

Co-sleeping with the safe sleep 7 is how most of us survived.

If baby doesn't like lying flat, consider an osteopath.

If you can afford it, hire help. Cleaning / meal delivery / laundry. If you can't, be brazen with asking visitors to bring a meal / sweep the floor. Worst case scenario they judge you and say no. Best case scenario you're fed.

Banish the idea of being the best mum. All your DC needs is a good enough mum. For me, that looked like the bouncer and Ms Rachel for my koala baby even though I was anti screentime.

Take a picture of you & your baby once a day. This time will be a blur and it's actually refreshing to look back in a few years. Prop the phone up on record and take a video walking around your kitchen with them.

To other PP. How is advice to switch to formula going to help a single mum who will then have to be up sorting bottles in the night?
also “pandering to cluster feeding” 🤨 baby’s demanding to be fed very regularly is not something to ignore because it’s pandering to
them and instead just overly fill their tummies with formula so they stop crying. It’s biologically normal for babies to behave in that way.

anyway. OP, it is hard at this stage, 4 weeks especially. Do try to get out and about even if she cries, tilt the bassinet on the pushchair up slightly and get out walking, it’ll do you both good.
if she’s not sleeping and doesn’t like being put down, maybe try an infant cranial osteopath, im not sure if it really works but a friend swears by it for her 3 and her grumpy babies did seem happier and more content afterwards.

I'd just forget the idea of ot being magical who told you that ?! It's absolutely back breaking exhausting snd lonely the post natal period on modern culture.

We evolved to do this as part of a collective of humans who would be bringing a new mum food and holding the baby while she slept

What you are doing is hideously unnatural and tiring so hats off to you ...it's so hard

I found it easier when I let go of expecting it to be in any way enjoyable

Can you get out into the summer evenings during witching hour..? I did a lot of walking around

Must be very lonely as a single mum what social links do you have

Personally I wanted to keep BF irs hard either way but do what is easiest

Some babies are a lot harder than others! It sounds like you have a tricky one and you have my sympathy. Mine was the same, it was due to very bad wind. Lots of winding helped a bit but fundamentally he suffered a lot with it until he got a lot bigger unfortunately.

Switch to formula feeding, at least at night but potentially completely.

Sounds pretty standard newborn! You need to get out everyday - for your own sanity. Go for a walk.... meet someone who can push the pram for 5 mins... anything... go to the pub and have half a pint in the sun...

Also, keep going with the breastfeeding. It does get easier. And it's totally portable! And when you do nights you can just shove a boob in babies face and go back to sleep (when they are a bit older of course...)

There was nothing magical about it in my house 😂
I had a partner and supportive parents so at least there was someone to bring me food and drink, but I remember only too clearly the relentless grind of it all…constant feeding and changing whilst feeling exhausted beyond belief.
All I can say is, it gets easier.
Do you have friends/family who could give you a break? Just someone to keep an eye on her whilst you have a relaxing bath or catch up on some sleep?
I found getting outside helped my state of mind, just walking her round the park in a pram, being out in the fresh air with a take away coffee made me feel more in touch with the world.
It also really helped me being around other mums, so I joined every baby group going and went to something most days just to get me out of the house and to have adult conversation (mostly about babies admittedly).
Bear in mind that your only responsibility at the moment is to keep her alive and well, so ignore all the social media bollocks about “newborn baby bliss bubbles” and just Pat yourself on the back when you make it to the end of each day. It WILL get better xx

My baby is one now and I have a very hands on husband and parents that helped us….and I was still exhausted at the stage your at. It’s not just the lack of sleep it’s the adjustment to it all. It does (in my opinion) get easier as they start sleeping longer stretches at night. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Definitely try some formula at least at night to see if that helps.

I hated the newborn stage, it's completely fine not to enjoy it.

TBH, It sounds like a normal life with a newborn. It will change at around 12 - 16 weeks. People find different stages challenging. I actually loved the newborn bit. i liked the predictability of it. The toddler bit I found incredibly difficult. What with all the big feelings and all. Hang in there @Hellskitchen24.

I remember worrying the babies were broken because they were never awake for the ‘play’ step of the schedule advised in the baby book! In retrospect it’s normal. The breastfeeding suddenly got easy at about 12 weeks. They went from slow 45 minute feeds where I had to keep waking them up to 10 min, again I thought something was wrong but they had just got the hang of it. They were early babies, perhaps yours will get the hang of it sooner! I had to use bottles at one point and that was worse, all the sterilising, making sure it’s the right temperature, or pumping breastmilk. If you have to do all the feeding yourself and breastfeeding works I would stick with it. At this stage you probably couldn’t go all night without feeding anyway without becoming engorged and thats both uncomfortable and can affect supply. At about 3 months babies are much more fun, they react to you and do a first smile etc. At the moment she is still in ‘the fourth trimester’ when she is really not very interactive and just needs to grow up! Baby groups are good for you - she won’t care but you might find friends to chat to at the same stage, and getting out makes it less monotonous!

It is very hard OP, I struggled a lot with my partner I can’t imagine on my own. The good thing is that it will get better, I promise you. As your child will progress other issues will arise, such as having to watch them all the time etc, but still will be easier and slowly you will get back some of your independence. If you can I would start to give formula so in terms of that you can cut a little bit of “contact”, I’m still breastfeeding my 19 months old and is extremely hard to stop. As you said, don’t have too many expectations, take day by day. Enjoy Netflix on the sofa all day, eat something easy and take day by day. I wish you all the best, you are strong and you can do it 💪🏼

Do you want to continue breastfeeding? If so, I recommend seeing an IBCLC or at least an experienced breastfeeding practitioner. Making sure her latch is optimal will really help.

If you want to continue BF but also introduce formula, it's best to use formula in the evening and continue breastfeeding between 12-4am as not removing milk at this time will impact your supply.

If you want to stop, that's ok too.

The evening fussiness is very very typical. Helping her feeding will make it a little easier but it is classic timing for a grumpy baby.

It is ok to hate having a newborn. Pretty much everyone who has hated having a newborn also really wanted their baby, solo parent or not, it doesn't make you a terrible person, it just means this bit is really.bloody hard.

As per others. It’s not just you. It’s really sodding hard and frankly there is nothing ‘magical’ about it in my experience. You will turn a corner soon. They become more manageable at 6 weeks as they develop, again by around 8 weeks and by 12 weeks you can get a routine going and claim a bit of life back. You’re probably right in the worst bit at the moment where the chronic tiredness bites hard, the support/visits etc from friends family drops off and the baby is still really needy.

Accept all help offered, buy solutions to as many things as you can afford, and in your scenario I would pump and bottle feed or start some formula as bottle feeding will be your ticket to a break at some point. Hang in there. Our second was very much like you describe at that point. 10 weeks now and he’s a different baby, will be happy on the floor for 20-30 mins while I get stuff done, starting to sleep better at night, more predictable in the day, not attached to me 24/7. You’ll get there and down the line it will (unbelievably!) fade into a distant memory!

lastly - is she gaining weight okay? And is breast feeding going okay? Extreme fussiness and constant feeding can be a sign of tongue tie - could be worth getting someone to check.

I love these threads when folk are so supportive and helpful.

Yes, newborn stage is tough and can be shite. I found from 6 weeks I got a groove going so hang in there!!

Boobing on demand is hard, but again, once you have more of a rhythm it gets easier.

And remember, it takes a village. You are one person. Once you're able to get out a bit try mums groups - these SAVED me. There's an easy shorthand with fellow new mums and I found it invaluable.

All the best, and keep on keeping on.

Also, Ginny and Georgia is well worth a binge. And how to get away with murder.

The witching hour is such a good description!
You're doing everything right - it's just a slog at this stage.
It gets easier with feeding. I found the first 6 weeks of bf torture and would cry at most feeds myself. Then suddenly it got easier - after about 6 weeks. Less uncomfortable, baby better at getting enough milk, slept (a bit) more. You're a bit more healed from giving birth.
Sometimes you just have to leave them to cry for a little while so you can shower, eat, toilet, etc.
This stage isn't called the 4th trimester for nothing.

Never been sick? She’s never brought any milk up? And is fussy and cries? Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever known a baby not to be a bit sick. It’s what they do to get rid of excess milk and part of burping. I’d say perhaps silent reflux?

You just have to say to yourself yes this is very hard. But this little being is totally dependent on me and I just have to take care of him/her to the best of my ability. This stage doesn't last for ever. I agree with formula at night if that helps

Oh, and make the endless sitting on the sofa while feeding as pleasurable as possible.

Looking back at my own newborn days, I was totally panicked and continually dashing off to things because I thought 'This is my shit life now, so I'd better get on with it!' I should have just relaxed into the sofa days and watched old movies and read endless novels. I could have made things a lot easier for myself, but I was so horrified by having wrecked my own life by having a baby that I was afraid to sit and think, hence all the dashing around with a crying baby under one arm.

What @FinancialWhinessaid.

my little one is 8 months now and honestly those horrendous few weeks seem a life time ago. At about 3 months he just stopped screaming all the time and we never found out the reason all we were told was colic and he settled into a feeding routine and now it’s a joyful experience but I felt like you at first and wondered what on earth we’d done but it does get better and you do get through it.
I know it’s not much to hear when you’re in the thick of it. I even have a post on here somewhere under a different name declaring I couldn’t cope and was regretting it all, I take that back a million times now.

I didn't hate the newborn stage quite as much with my second. She fed much faster and I wasn't in shock like I was with my first, and I truly knew it would get better so I didn't have the hideous feeling of despair that I would never feel normal again. Also I co-slept from day 1. So it wasn't AS bad. But it was still pretty grim at the 4 week stage. That's as close as the vast majority of people get to finding it magical, I think. You will get through this. It's incredibly hard, but, amazingly, survivable. Somehow.

I started to like it when baby was on formula and sleeping better. From about 3 months.
much more relaxed. Before that I really found it very hard and I hated breastfeeding. I thought I’d be all natural and amazing, turns out I prefer formula and sleep trained my kids, but life is good now - they’re healthy, happy, good sleepers.