To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

Being a single mum to a newborn is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
Sounds like you’re doing great and your baby sounds pretty normal.
My advice would be: get a cleaner, cosleep and master breastfeeding lying down. Do try and get out every day for some fresh air, 10 minutes around the block will do. It will make you feel better and help the baby’s circadian rhythm.
Also try and find a baby group, chatting to other mums going through the same thing as you will help.
I wouldn’t be bothering with expressing and formula if she’s feeding well, it’ll just be another chore you have to do on top of everything else.
It will get easier if you just make it through a few more weeks.

I disagree. You asked for both sides and I loved the newborn era so much.

I didn't breastfeed though and that seems to the big difference. It sounds really tough.

Also, it's totally ok and totally normal not to "enjoy every minute". Being a parent is a tough, tough job.

I didn’t enjoy it either, lasted four and five months each time and went back to work pt. Instantly felt 100% better. As I did when I switched to ff as we all slept much better.
Now 22 and 20 and all bonded just fine, never a single regret.

I was the same with my first. I did have a husband but like you say even you’re breast feeding and they’re working all day the lions share still falls on you.

Personally I wouldn’t swap to formula feeding (unless you want to) especially at night as you have to get up and prepare the bottle instead of just getting your boob out.

I didn’t find it enjoyable either and didn’t bind with my son gif a good few months. Hang in there it does get easier in my experience 🙂

I hated it too, posted on here about it at the time under a different user name. Couldn’t imagine ever enjoying my life again. I was in total despair. Now, she’s 2 and I adore her, I absolutely love being around her. I’m even considering another - because it is worth it. Hold on in there, it’s not just you. It’s really bloody tough.

Yanbu. Newborns are dickheads. There's a reason they're so darn cute or we'd throw them in the dustbin. Hang in there, this will pass x

YANBU. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message. Sending a hug, your in the throws of it at the mo x

It’s not you, it’s your baby.

I’ve had two and my first was a dream, filled with all the magical moments people tell you about and I was the happiest I have ever been!

My second was just like yours. I parented exactly the same as my first, but it just seemed she was unhappy with life. It was so hard, the hardest time of my life and I wasn’t sure I could get through it.

I have though and you will. It does get easier, and it’ll start getting easier very soon, although it was quite slow. She’s 2.5 now and she’s such a joy!! So happy, fiercely independent, extremely intelligent, and absolutely adorable.

BTW, even if you were raising her with a partner, as you’re exclusively breastfeeding, there isn’t much a partner could do at the moment. So please don’t regret your decision. Both of mine only wanted me, 24/7 until they were about two.

I felt the same, try and keep up with the breastfeeding but I think anyone prepares you for how hard (and for me quite unpleasant and painful!). It does get better, I think I just gave up on the idea of sleep for a while and weirdly that helped me mentally!

Favourite age! Babies are really not much fun 😂

Since you mention you have lots of support, could you not tap on some of it? Good luck

My baby was like this. Literally screaming or feeding. Nothing else. I suggest taking them out for long walks in the buggy. It’s the only respite you might get and it WILL get better. By 6 months everything will be different. Nothing lasts forever with kids, literally everything is a phase. Hang in there.

Sometimes I bought the pram indoors and pushed it back and forth. Sometimes went out in the car so he napped then I reclined my seat and napped too. Whatever it takes to get some sleeps!

I loved the newborn phase (currently in it again) and love breastfeeding (yes I'm a dick- I have found the toddler phase hard-core though!). Loads of people don't though. It's very dependent on your baby/ circumstances.

Have you looked into cpma? It sounds like your baby is on the fussier side.
Don't be pressured to switch to formula. It might not make life easier. Cluster feeding is totally normal, so is feeling touched out.

Remember we evolved to parent in large groups with lots of help. You are doing great as a solo mother. TV and snacks and a cleaner if you can. Also look at safe bedsharing.
💐

Single mum here too
as others have said if warm, fed, nappy changed, winded then put baby in the Moses basket or whatever you have
take a break and rest, sleep if you you need to
Online shopping I wish this was a thing when I had mine!

bottle feed if you want to, no one should be judging for wanting to feed your baby and looking after your self

you will get into a routine and you will find you feet

it’s ok, it really is

It's not you.
It will get better.
I thought I'd ruined my life and was desperately unhappy.
It IS very early days.
Agree with bottle feeding formula for the nights (many don't, I know).
Keep going.
It is worth it in the end - however unbelievable that may seem at the moment.

It is SO hard.
I absolutely felt the same as you for a very long time.

Nobody tells you that babies are like this before you have one. It is horrific isn’t it.

But then somehow it gets slights easier and your body aches for another one!

Do whatever makes your life easiest! If that’s formula feeding or staying in bed till noon. Get out the house as much as possible and meet other mums. Congratulations! Newborns are tough!

Lower your expectations, go easy on yourself, order in food and get out of the house. My dd was fussy at home but loved being outside or in cafes where there was hustle and bustle.

Don't feel pressured into breastfeeding if it's just too much. Bottle feeding is MUCH easier and shorter.

But mostly I'd encourage you to just get out of the house. Go for works, to baby groups where you can sit and feed and talk at the same time. Meet friends. Hire a cleaner if you can.
Visit museums, stroll the countryside etc just with baby in a pram. They will.sleep for longer being pushed around.

Oh OP I really hope you’re ok. That sounds absolutely brutal! Honestly, I find myself saying now that I loved maternity leave but if I am being totally honest with myself, I’m looking back with rose tinted glasses because it’s HARD. Not just because they’re mini tyrants who demand every ounce of your energy and don’t so much as smile at you until they’re three months old, but also because you’re trying to adjust to this massive life change and getting your head around it all. Try not to think too far ahead, take it day by day (hour by hour if needed) every second that passes is a second closer to it getting easier.

Make as many compromises as you feel comfortable to do. If you’re debating FF then just do it. If that’s a non-negotiable then try and think of other ways you can make it easier for yourself. Take all the help you can get. It gets easier I promise

I haven’t rtft (sorry) but my first thought was formula feeding too.

You’ve done a great amount of bf, but formula feeding may make you feel like yourself again.

And may help with reflux etc

Formula feeding often does help with sleep, and you can establish a routine. It’s not always the best thing, but if your sanity is at stake, then it is.

Then hopefully you can also ask someone to mind baby for a few hours whilst you get some rest.

Have you got money to pay a cleaner to come in?

Absolutely this! Humour helps a lot I find 😂

You sound just like me 9 months ago OP! My DS was a very easy baby, slept well, fed well (combination fed) and was generally quite chilled. So easy/content we thought we were fantastic parents (LOL) until DD came along 18 months later, Jesus, she was not an easy baby. I truly struggle to even look back at pictures from the time because it was SO SO hard. She refused a bottle/every formula manufactured ever so my plans to combination feed went out the window, she'd be on the boob for hours and hours. I honestly thought it would never get better. I knew it was a phase but I struggled with not knowing when it would end...my advice is to get out of the house. Even if it's just a 10min walk and she screams the whole way. I started selling random crap on vinted and the walk to the post office/inpost locker made me feel like I'd accomplished something that day.

The other bit of advice is to get yourself somewhere with other mums, a PP mentioned LLL that's a good one. Also check if your area has any postpartum exercise groups, it's so important to find other people in the same stage your in who are struggling. Some people go all in and commit to these things and find friends for life. I just dip a toe and enjoy seeing familiar faces every week.

DO NOT worry about how you appear to others. If you haven't washed your hair for a week and are covered in baby sick/tears/shit (or your own tears) noone cares. If your baby is screaming while you wheel her round looking like you've just crawled out of a bin noone with judge you. No baby ever died from newborn cries (if they did I'd be childless and significantly more rested)

It got a lot easier at 8 weeks for me (once cluster feeding ended) don't get me wrong, it got worse again around 4 months but has steadily got better from there. Now I am 9 months in I actually cried tonight because i will never have those newborn days again (despite hating them).