To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

It is really tough and I do think you need to lower your expectations. Some things that might help are accepting most of the day you will be holding the baby, that's completely normal and natural. Get some box sets.
Can you try to get out, even if it's just a walk or go to some low pressure baby groups. Change of scenery helps. Also lean on that support system ask people to come and keep you company, come round with food, give you a bit of a break.

It will get better. I don't agree that stopping breastfeeding will help particularly.

Honestly, acceptance is the only solution. The tip doesn't matter, it's only for a few weeks/months. No one will be hurt if you sit on the sofa all day. If you accept that's what your day will be like, anything else is a bonus. Try to go for a walk every day even if it's raining. It doesn't matter if you're not showered and she in a sleeping bag. Chances are she'll sleep in the pram and although tired, you'll be better for daylight and exercise. We're lucky and have an ice cream shop about a half a mile away, which is the perfect distance and incentive.

You'll get longer wake windows and a smile in a few days to weeks, then it starts to feel magical.

Just solidarity here. I absolutely hated the newborn stage. Mine did have cow milk allergy and related issues but I also just felt like he didn't do the things other babies apparently did. Like sleeping and settling down.

Sometimes I'd see other mums with newborns in prams sat in cafes having a chat and the babies would just sit there sleeping. I was spending all of my time lugging around a giant baby in a sling, walking around the dining table for literally hours. Or going on walks where everyone stared at me while my child screamed. He was like this from the day he was born. All of the usual advice didn't work on him and trust me I got advice from everyone, whether wanted or not.

Sometimes I still get a pang of jealousy when I see really easygoing and happy young babies at baby/toddler groups just lay on the little mats looking around at the world around them while the mums have a chat. I do feel I missed out on enjoying that bit.

I have no advice. I only got through it in survival mode. I felt like I'd climbed Everest honestly. I had no idea how I got through each day. The only reason I even consider wanting another child now is because my brain has forgotten but I do recall one specific memory of being in the thick of it and thinking as hard as I can to myself - pleading in fact - "please just remember this feeling. Just this moment. Don't do this again. Don't ever have another child. I can't survive this again."

By the time he hit 4 months I stopped fantasising about which family members might be better raising him (maybe I could be a cool Auntie! 😂). Once he got to about 9-10 months I started enjoying my days. From 18 months onwards, I genuinely love every day I spend with him and would freeze time here forever if I could.

Don't stop breastfeeding....(It's good for mothers as well as babies, and there is no reason to think bar some actual positioning or tongue tie problem that your baby isn't getting enough,
) but DO find some people to talk to in the day...honestly the only thing that kept me going in frazzled early weeks was every three days taking the baby in a sling to someone else's house or even a coffee shop to talk to someone, preferably someone who also had small child/children.

I hate to admit it but The Contented Little Baby Book, (as long as you have established breastfeeding and a good supply) was helpful. It explained sleep windows to me. I didn't follow it to the letter but it gave me some good tips about what amount of sleep a baby needs.

But human companionship of the adult kind...everyone needs that. Doesn't have to be a partner but someone to just pay you on the back occasionally and tell you what a brilliant job you are doing or sympathise with what s nightmare it can be.

All completely normal Op.. the newborn stage is hard. Especially so the first baby as it's a shock to the system!

Lower all your standards and try to enjoy the cuddles on the sofa as honestly it seems forever at the time but in hindsight it goes in a flash. You will turn a corner at about 10 weeks. Hopefully longer sleeps, longer time's awake.
If you are really miserable - consider bottle feeding.

What’s with all the posters pressuring OP to formula feed?! She didn’t say she wanted to change how she fed so I find that very odd and rude. Imagine if someone struggling with bottle feeding posted and was met with a chorus of ‘Have you considered just breastfeeding?’ Heads would roll.

I have three, now adults. Enjoy them? Hell no, especially as babies. They are a complete slog. I’m still trying to catch up with my sleep, my body is ruined, they cry, they poo, they fight, they spend all your money. It’s a bloody myth that you enjoy motherhood. 💐

Meet friends and family. Get out as often as possible, playgroups even just for the change of environment. If you’re comfortable you can feed anywhere. I felt the same and stuck to the sofa, I ended up making routine of who I was meeting and places I could go every week.
Company, particularly people your comfortable around is incredibly helpful, makes everything seem less hard.

I think she’s being encouraged - I can’t see any pressure- to use formula at least at night because the baby will sleep better.

Nobody is pressuring her but so many women struggle with exhausting while breastfeeding and the guilt-tripping by the BF lobby is insane.

We're just highlighting she has a choice. I heard only the guilt tripping and pressure with my first. In the end a HV told me I really deserved to enjoy my baby and emphasized there was no guilt to be with FF and I really needed to hear it. FF was my best ever decision and massively changed time experience of motherhood.
Some women just need to hear it's an option and be reminded that if they're finding it too hard, they don't have to BF exclusively.

If the OP doesn't want to change it, then nobody is pressuring her too! Sometimes it's just nice to know there's a way out in theory, even if one doesn't take it

There is no way to know that’s true and is very misleading advice though. It might upset their tummy, cause more sickness and spit up, or just not make them sleep more. This idea that stuffing babies full of formula as some kind of magic sleep cure-all is such bollocks. Plus she didn’t say she wanted to stop breastfeeding! It’s very unsupportive to assume otherwise and might make her feel like shit and doubt herself.

Newborns are dull and relentless. I swear I could hear my brain cells die one by one during those first months. It’s not you.

Your DD sounds like my son when he was 4 weeks, he's 4 months now and better

Oh OP there’s nothing wrong with you at all you’re doing a fantastic job. I absolutely detested the newborn stage, can’t have any more kids but even if I could I wouldn’t because I absolutely could not relive those days again. Nothing magical about them IMO. There was no clear turning point, it just gradually got better until I realised I no longer hated my life.

This evening I got home from work and my just turned 3 year old DD said to me “I been excited to see you alllll day mummy” and gave me a huge hug. Now THAT’S magical ❤️

So you’re telling me that if a formula feeding mother was struggling with her mental health and a bunch of breast feeders came on here and ‘encouraged’ her to try breastfeeding, when she hadn’t said she was interested in doing that, no one would bat an eyelash?! Please. 🙄 They’d be accused of being nazis or the BF police.

It's all so hard, especially as a first time mum when you've never experienced any of this before and it tips your life upside down.

My first was like you describe here, although I ended up formula feeding by 4 weeks as breastfeeding didn't work out. The poor baby would scream from 4pm to 11pm without stopping much, it was relentless. Even with a partner around it was so hard to deal with it, I had really bad post partum as a result. We have tried everything infant gaviscon, infacol, other colic remedies, tongue tie snip you name it. Nothing worked until one day it just stopped.

In hindsight, the baby was not sleeping much and was overtired. Naps were pretty much inexistent and when they happened they were too short. The baby started to settle when I discovered Huckleberry App and started following the wake windows recommended for the age. It was free back then, now you have to pay a fee I believe but it saved my sanity and as soon as we got into a proper routine with the naps, I had a more manageable baby.

I wish you all the best and please know that you will start enjoying your baby at some point. For me, it was closer to 1 year when I started feeling love towards them and I always thought that there was something wrong with me having not experienced that love at first sight that I saw every Instagram mum say they felt. This is a new person in your life and it takes time to get to know them and start developing feelings. All you can do for now is care for the little bundle and yourself and everything else will follow.

I used to watch over and over again when DC1 was a newborn because it reassured me that other people also fantasised about someone just taking their newborn away so they could fucking sleep, and were concerned at times that maybe they hated the screaming blob that had taken over their life.

It’s okay and probably fairly normal to not enjoy the newborn phase. It does feel claustrophobic at first but when I eventually leaned into the feeds and contact naps and stopped stressing too much about the housework it was a lot better. Start a long series you love and always have a bag of breastfeeding snacks, lipbalm and big bottle of water on the arm of the sofa. The constant feeding really won’t last long.

Do you have any support from family and friends who could pitch in with housework a little or hold baby while you shower and take some time for yourself?

It feels far off now but it will fly but from 6 months onwards it just keeps getting better imo. When they can sit and play unaided, eat solid foods and laugh. Do seek help if it’s feeling too much though ❤️

First, women who formula feed get absolutely harassed about the benefits of breastfeeding so it does happen.

Secondly there's actually nothing wrong or rude with offering options.

Then thirdly, it's a total false equivalence. Breastfeeding is pushed for.understandable reasons.
But as a result women are made to feel inferior for not succeeding or enjoying it. That is why they need reminding that if it gets to much, BF is not compulsory and happy alternatives exist.

But it's making her feel like her baby is sleeping badly because she's not FF overnight which might not be true at all. Imagine if it was the other way around and people were saying "well obviously your baby is sleeping badly as you are formula feeding and it's not natural." People would be outraged!

Women can be pressured out of breastfeeding as well as into it. You see it on here and in real life. I definitely have had judgemental comments as a breastfeeding mother and if I'd been having a rough time they'd have really made me doubt myself.

People should be supporting the OP not saying she's doing the wrong thing.

Sending you the biggest hug - it is absolutely not you and definitely not because you’re a single mum (I honestly had never felt so alone even though DH was doing everything he could). Definitely lower expectations; some people have these lovely chilled out babies (my SIL and my best friend both had babies around the same time I did who ofc were the idyllic babies) and can post all over social media/talk until the cows go home about how easy it is. What you have described is a very similar baby to how my DD was in that naps/sleep in general was pretty much non-existent and I was terrified to take her anywhere or even have anyone come round because I was convinced everyone would be judging me for having a permanently crying baby (no one bats an eyelid btw).

One thing I will say though is has she been checked for tongue tie? My DD’s was missed and didn’t get resolved until she was 6 weeks. She was over 9lb, BF well and wasn’t a sicky baby so nobody was really looking into it despite me asking at several stages. It did help a little bit but she was still a champion singer.

I hope that from the replies here you can see that it’s a universal, albeit not widely spoken about until someone brings it up. You are doing an absolutely fantastic job, even though you won’t feel like it. You CAN do this x

it's making her feel like her baby is sleeping badly because she's not FF overnight

It’s not. It’s suggesting she might sleep better with formula at night. They’re not the same thing.

Anyway, picking arguments on her thread really isn’t helping her, is it?

Women can be pressured out of breastfeeding as well as into it.

Precisely, and that’s exactly what is happening here. Something like 80% of mothers stop breastfeeding sooner than they’d have liked, because of a lack of support and understanding from others.

@Hellskitchen24 Hi OP. I was a single mum from mid pregnancy (not by choice but we share other similarities that I too am a professional and had huge independence and loved travel etc).

What I found helped was throwing money at the situation. Is that possible for you? A few things I did - ordered all food online. I made sure to eat healthily when I could but I would often order in pizza or whatever else I fancied just so I could eat and not worry about the preparing or clearing up.

I didn’t have a nanny but absolutely would have if I felt I needed more sleep. If sleep is an issue I would get a night nanny a few times a week for a few weeks. Same with a cleaner.

A bit of an odd one but I had a skip for the first few months. I found this so so so helpful. No need to got out to bins or take the bins out or even remember to do it. Just plonk everything in there.

I used to go out most days for a walk. Sounds cliched but I felt if they cried in the pram at least they could see me and I could rock them as we walked. It wasn’t possible for me to pick them up every moment they cried, I would have lost my mind, so this felt ok for the days that were particularly hard. Obviously I picked them up most of the time when they cried.

Lastly, I spent a lot of time with friends, old and new. This started around 3 or 4 months so remember you are still in the thick of it in these initial weeks.

I hate saying this as I hated hearing it at that point but it all changes sooner than you can imagine now. I actually saw the first few months as a job that I just didn’t like much but had to do for a while. It’s ok not to enjoy it, for what it’s worth I found that stage incredibly boring! Cute, but boring.

Feel free to DM if you want to chat.

Edited to add that I’ve just seen you are breastfeeding. I wanted to do that but felt I couldn’t in the circumstances I was in. I did it for a few weeks then stopped. I don’t know if bottle is better for your circumstances and of course breast fed I think has lots of benefits that bottle does not, but for me overall I found bottle fed helped. It’s ok to do either and ok to choose or change to what works best.

I think there's a million other mums who feel, or have felt the same including myself! God it's tough having a newborn and doing it by yourself? You're an absolute queen. All I can say from experience, is that it does get better and it's so important that you show yourself compassion. Some babies can be a bit unsettled and more tricky to manage, not everyone has this 'magical time', I've had 3 babies and I know nothing of this! It can be fucking BRUTAL at times.
Take help from friends and family as much as you can, sleep when baby sleeps and don't worry about the mess, or that you're not doing stuff. I binged on episodes of CSI with my first DS whilst sat on the sofa with him, yes at the time I thought I should be doing this and that but if you're close to them, feeding and changing when it's needed and talking to them then that's enough and YOU are enough.
Reach out to district midwives if you can, newborn messaging boards and baby groups when you feel able to, it's so reassuring to know that other parents are going through this stuff too. This period is temporary and as I said it will get better in time, it might feel like it won't but it will. Just be kind to yourself.