To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

Don’t switch to formula. Jesus.

It’s shit. I had a partner and it was still shit.

It will pass, sooner than you think. You will be a human again.

For now, if boob solves all problems, use boob. Sit with her in the garden, boob in mouth. Cosleep (safely!!), boob in mouth. Get a cleaner, a friend / relative to come help you tidy and do laundry, and get as many takeaways as you can manage. Learn to eat / drink / wee while breastfeeding so that you don’t choke and die. Accept your job is to be a cow and lean into it - sofa, book or box set, deliveroo on the armrest.

They go through phases. My velcro baby kind of settled at about 6 weeks, and became more manageable. Then again easier at 3 months. Much easier at 6. Life changingly easier at 1y.

For those later periods, boobs are magic. Totally worth the weeks of being a cow. Fewer infections, better immunity, great bond, and whatever the problem (hungry, thirsty, ill, injured, tired, unhappy, overwhelmed) the solution is boob. Amazing.

Good luck. I promise, you will shower in peace once again.

It all sounds pretty normal. Babies cry for little reason and feed a lot. You just get used to one pattern then it changes. If you can manage some fresh air by going out with the pram you may find it helps settle her for a bit and the exercise helps you. Don’t feel you need to do chores, keep it to bare minimum and accept any offers of help. Do you have family or friends nearby?

As a mother of two older teenagers, I am quite open to say that the newborn faze is a grim! I blame social media for a lot of it by showing the ideal mother all the time online.

I used to feed a big formula bottle before bed, and then breastfeed the rest of the time. Enabled me to get more rest and the baby to be more settled.

My friend had a baby that cried constantly for no apparent reason. She stopped breastfeeding her and bottle fed her which gave some routine. She would also just put her in the pram and walk her for hours. If she cried, she cried. I’m sure this will all be looked down on now but my friend did what she had to do to get through it. The newborn stage is really hard. In fact it’s all really hard, made even harder by deciding to do it all on your own. Hopefully to have something of a support network around you.

I agree with a lot of this, and I'm not trying to be the BF mafia, I promise.

We used formula once he was older because I couldn't express any more and my husband cared for him sometimes, and oh my life, the faff of it compared to BF.

Also it's not true that it makes babies sleep longer automatically. On average they sleep something like 10m more?

This is the worst bit, but if you lean into it, you can survive it and it's easier than F later.

Which isn't to say either choice isn't valid - just don't get sold on formula on the premise that it will definitely be easier (getting a BF baby to take a bottle can be a whole new world of hell...)

The first few months are brutal OP. You’ll come out the other side but yes it’s very hard. I wouldn’t move to bottle feeding. Breastfeeding is so easy once it’s established - no hauling extra crap around with you or Fannying about with bottles at night. Game changer for me with no2 was breastfeeding lying down so he was lying by my side while feeding. He just went straight to sleep after a feed and I got loads of sleep! Good luck xxxx

Babies are relentless. I know it's frowned on on here but would formula feeding be an option? It really is boring and repetitive for the first few months but it does get better I promise. Doing it alone will also be making it seem harder. Have you got anyone who can come and help you out with housework so it's one less thing to stress about?

I feel for you. Hang in there. Yes, absolutely lower your expectations. My DD1 was similar. I loved bfing and cosleeping which might have helped -I hunkered down with TV, Mumsnet, a few highly addictive games on my phone and easy snacks and drinks, and literally rolled over and gave in for the first couple of months. Sling everywhere when up. As soon as DD1 would accept it, endless long walks in buggy or sling. Then things changed; she was sort of ready to meet the world. Real fourth trimester stuff.

The first few weeks are brutal. With my first we turned a corner at around 6-7 weeks. With my second I knew what to expect!

what I found helpful was feeding my baby every time she cried - that way she never really cried and slept loads during the night. But then she never really cried for anything but food so may not be helpfu for you. My friends who didn’t feed on demand seemed to have a harder time! Skin to skin and on the breast at all times helped me, but different baby, different mum. Got easier at 3 months anyway

Yup accept that you are a feeding cow to newborns . You are a mammal
Newborns are not interesting

Newborns are only interested in peeing pooing eating sleeping crying.
Accept it and wait for time to pass . Ine day at a time.
get outside every day.
In 6 weeks in 12 it will be a different phase.
Engage someone to help with housework pay them or reach put for someone to hold baby for a bit .. friend neighbour childcare student
You don't have to do everything alone

When DD was like this it turned out it was because she was hungry, I probably had low supply as there was nothing else obviously wrong. I had multiple feeding co-ordinators and midwives observe us feeding, and all said everything looked ok, to persevere and it was normal to cluster feed/cry etc. We ended up back in hospital due to weight loss and jaundice.
As soon as we started giving formula she became the most content baby and slept really well.
What no one tells you is that not everyone can breastfeed and that breast ISN’T best when you have low supply or another issue that means baby isn’t getting enough. I’ll probably get lots of hate but formula saved my sanity and was infinitely better than breastfeeding all round. I only started to enjoy my baby when I stopped BFing and wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be gaslit by the “breast is best” propaganda.
Not saying you should stop BF-ing btw. If baby is gaining weight nicely then maybe the problem is elsewhere, but it could be that she’s hungry. Check out the Fed is Best Facebook page for some impartial advice (I found the breastfeeding “support” groups were not impartial at all and gave me lots of incorrect and downright dangerous “advice”)

You have a garden, you mentioned. Do you have a comfy chair out there? Or can you buy one, or have a look on Gumtree or FB for something suitable? Sit out there holding her instead of the sofa for a bit, just to let you get some fresh air.
Are you aware of any local WhatsApp or FB groups for families around your neighbourhood? Join them and share your thoughts and worries. There are lots of people who might be able to help.
Can you afford to get a grocery delivery with some nice veg-rich ready meals? Healthy options that will make you feel more human.
And you need to embrace the mess, and the sitting down time! It just has to be this way for now. Do you have an Amazon/Netflix/Disney subscription? Watch all the things. If you feel the house is lonely I used Friends on in the background to lift the mood.
Do you have a bath? If you are not still bleeding too heavily/no trouble with section scars or complications, can you get some bath treats delivered? Baby will maybe be ok sitting in a crib or car seat beside the bath if she can sense you are right there next to her.
And I listened to lots of lovely stuff on BBC Sounds during night feeds.
It is a really exhausting time and you are very brave doing this solo. Make sure you tell your HV or midwife if you need any advice or extra support.

The newborn stage can be tough, especially with a first.

Have you learned to distinguish her cries yet? Hunger cries have more rounded lips. Tired cries are more rhythmical and (sometimes creaky) fall at the end. Getting to know her cries will help you to get to the bottom of her communication a little quicker, giving you more peace.

Well done OP, it’s not easy being a new mum - single or otherwise! 4 weeks is still sooo early, a lot can change in just a few weeks, honestly.

My experience might be a little different from yours but I thought I’d share anyway because it might help in some way.

My little girl is 9 months old now, and we had an at birth diagnosis of Down syndrome. The first few weeks were tough in some ways, we spent 5 nights in hospital which was lonely, but once we got home I made a concentrated effort to just enjoy her. I just tried my best to live in the moment and be grateful that she was a healthy baby with no heart or gastric issues. I was so proud that we were able to breastfeed- by “we” I mean both myself and my little girl. I definitely thought of us as a team! Breastfeeding isn’t always easy for babies with ds, due to low tone and sleepiness. She is now bottle fed, which I am also proud of, it wasn’t easy getting her to switch at 6 months (milk supply dropped drastically and suddenly).

I did a lot of sofa sitting, and took very short walks in the first few weeks. That was it really. My partner was/is fantastic with the household stuff, he’s much better at the domestic chores side of things. If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t be that bothered about cleaning, I’ d probably just do the minimum in between a cleaner visiting. I would get very easy meals in, ask my support network to batch cook and freeze some dinners, and wouldn’t feel bad about the odd pad Thai delivery at all! I’m actually living abroad, away from my family and friends, so don’t have a support system other than DP.

I’m now pregnant again with my second baby now (no judging comments thanks, mumsnetters, we were a bit shocked but delighted) and fully expecting baby number two to not be half as easy and chill as her big sister! I think it’s just luck of the draw when it comes to babies being “easy” or not. I have a friend whose baby screams every 2 hours, and will not be put down.

I think the phrase “this will pass” is so useful in life, it’s what I say any time I’m a bit fed up.

Hang in there, enjoy the nice moments, even if they’re short - you sound like you’re doing as well as all the rest of us! 🩷

For us cosleeping (as in bedsharing) was a total game changer. Meant all of us got a good night’s sleep! We follow the safe sleep 7 guidelines and I did a lot of research on it. I also contact nap and feed to sleep - total wins for our family luckily.

I’d definitely keep up with the babywearing if it chills baby out and let you eat your lunch or whatever. My stamina for wearing baby defo improved over time.

Hours of crying sounds so hard - have you got any BF support local to you? I wonder if there’s something more going on there - perhaps seeing an IBCLC would be worth doing.

You didn’t mention much help from family / friends when describing what’s going on - can you call in the cavalry a bit for some help with cooking, laundry if you need?

Have to laugh at a PP saying they didn’t “pander” to cluster feeding - it’s the baby establishing your milk supply as they’ve evolved to do, they’re not doing it to get one over on you or something - what a funny way of looking at it 😂

Fine if you choose to formula or combi feed, but there’s no guarantee baby will sleep longer as PPs are saying, sorry! It’s possible baby’s sleep might be impacted as formula is harder to digest than breastmilk, but I think a lot of it is down to baby’s temperament tbh. I’d be mindful of the effect of FF on your supply - again IBCLC support could be helpful whatever your feeding plans.

Good luck, hope things improve for you - early days can be so hard!

I started baby groups when my eldest was a couple of weeks old, purely because it was a change of scenery. If I was going to be sat breastfeeding I may as well have done it with others. I did baby bounce and rhyme at the library, a village hall group and baby massage.

It’s how breast feeding goes for a few weeks, get snacks/drinks/box sets ready and get comfy.
have a Moses basket near you and put her down after feeds. I think by six weeks feeds calm down a bit, it’s old fashioned but I was told to not feed DD14 on demand - I stuck to it not knowing better but it did mean by six weeks she’d take a full feed and sleep and not snack suck.

if people visit they can make food and mop your tears - all completely normal.
its such a big shock to the system, being so ‘needed’ will become your normal.

Never post but wanted to because I found this exact stage - 4 weeks, so so hard. And it definitely got so much better. Wake windows and worrying about that at this age is such a waste of time, in my opinion. Half the people talking about it are lying, I think.

First of all congratulations on your new baby. Everything you’ve said sounds absolutely normal. Your baby is cluster feeding and this will probably only last for about another week. Your baby will then likely ease off on needing to be fed so often and should go a bit longer between feeds, leading to more sleep for you. So I think you need some short-term emergency solutions now. For me, that meant seeing how I could get a little bit more sleep (naps during the day) and eat a bit better. I asked my mum to come stay for a few days. She’d potter in the house, cooked a bit, and then took the baby when I needed a break. It also gave me someone to chat to while I was feeding non-stop. Do you have anyone who could do this or even a couple of friends who could just do it for a day each? Failing that, a babysitter who could look after the baby while you sleep?

I disagree with formula feeding at night. It will affect your supply. What I did to bridge this time when I just needed some sleep is: I would have a friend or relative come round, maybe spend the day, and have a nap while they were there. I’d leave a pre-made bottle of formula with them and they could feed the baby if needed. This means you have the bare minimum interference with your supply.

Witching hour was absolutely brutal at this point with the baby feeding constantly. I literally would just have dinner in bed while feeding and would pass out the moment the baby slept. Co-sleeping as a temporary measure on really tough nights also helped. Only needed to do it for a week or two. Means you can feed side-lying and go to sleep.

I also come from a very busy job and really tried to get out and about a lot at 4 weeks. Long walks, museums etc. Honestly, should have just spent the time on the sofa, as even at 5-6 weeks it was already way easier.

I did a pre-birth La Leche League course on breastfeeding and I think it prepared me for a lot of these issues. I was more aware of things like cluster feeding etc. I’d highly recommend going along to a meeting. I’ve found it by far the best mums’ event for women speaking openly about motherhood, really very feminist, and full of interesting women. Definitely a good source of adult conversation.

I remember at 4 weeks totting up that I was spending at least 7 hours a day feeding, and thought that was my life now. By 7 weeks it had dropped to about 3 hours and I half missed the time at 4 weeks, as it was just non stop cuddles with the baby. In other words, all these phases are temporary as your baby develops.

It will absolutely get better. The sleep deprivation and hormones are the enemy right now but they will gradually fade and you will begin to enjoy the process. This is one of those times you just need to push through the discomfort.

I am a single mum too, and the first weeks were hell. I was in so much pain healing from a c sec, my boobs were aching and cracked not to mention the sleep deprivation and constant anxiety about milk supply. Family members were encouraging formula feeding around me (totally OK but I wanted to give BF a good go) when there weren't really any issues with it other than it being difficult to get used to and time consuming. My baby cried a lot which I could handle but her cry was such a loud scream cry; it was a lot. And doing it all myself (family were around but really I was myself), I would dread the witching hour and clusterfeeding.

I think learning to accept a slower pace, and being in the house all day has been key. Try and get out at least a few times a week visiting people or going to a cafe where you can breastfeed. I found ikea great as there's a huge area to chill and BF if baby starts fussing. I also accepted that babies can be fussier and clusterfeed in the evening, and somehow just got through it. I now actually like it when she feeds more as it makes me feel like she's keeping up supply.

All this to say, just try and relax and ease into the process, and go out with your baby if you need to get out. I know it's hard but every baby ever has cried in public at some point, she is just getting used to this knew scary world as well. My baby hates the pram but putting the top down so she can see helps, and when she's had enough I tend to carry her facing out so she can look around now that she's a bit older.

At 3 months now, she is just such a dream. Don't get me wrong there is still crying, but by 12 weeks you know them better and it's easier to soothe them, and for us the bond is really solidifying. Breastfeeding is not as painful and is more predictable now. I think if you want to BF, keep going as it does get better and is just another part to push through in the early days. At some point it all comes together.

Smiles and personality are starting to come out, baby knows me and always looks for me in every room, and she is just a joy. And as others have said, co-sleeping is a life saver.

...the days can still be boring (endless hours at home trying to get baby to nap/start bedtime routine)... but this is just a season.

It is not easy but won't be forever😊

The newborn stage is hard even when you have a partner. I remember the witching hour would typically start at about 4pm and when my husband got home from work at 6pm I needed to just shove the baby at him and go and lie down. I can't imagine how I'd have got through that stage without my husband.

It does get easier.

The newborn era was a nasty shock to me who so wanted a child, was steady and resilient before having one (realise now I'd just never been tested so much!)

My son cried and cried too and had very miserable wake windows, so much so I took him to A&E as it didn't feel normal and gp advised to. Turned out he had silent reflux due to cmpa, he didn't vomit at all but the contents of his stomach would come up and he'd swallow them, making a distinctive sound, and the acid refkux if it burned his throat causing pain and the incessant awful crying.

He gained steadily because he swallowed so didn't lose calories, but even though he was formula fed after three weeks expressed breast milk (severe tongue tie so couldn't latch, cut at 2 weeks old) he fed on lots and lots of formula, almost like cluster feeding but that's very common in silent reflux bevause it temporarily soothes their pain, but then fills them more and causes more reflux.

Does your baby ever make a sort of gulping sound? Just telling my story in case it rings familiar, and typing this feels like ancient history though my sons only almost two, these days do pass and so much joy and amazement begins, but it's the first lesson of parenthood, thats it's a sacrifice and a slog at times! The people that get easy newborns (happy for them!) are the minority

I did not enjoy the newborn stage. I think people that do generally have baby's that sleep a lot and don't cry much!

Mine never did the feed, burp, sleep til the next feed thing they're meant to do!

All I can say is it really does get better, and relatively soon.

If breastfeeding is working that's great, if it doesn't that's ok too.

I loved it from 10ish weeks onwards.

It also helped me to think she/he will never need you as much as they need you now

Totally normal!
I hated it.. every day! Baby sounds same as yours. I had DH to help but exclusively breast fed babies are bloody hard work!! It feels like it’s ALL on you! I don’t know how to make you feel better but yes just stay on the sofa as much as you need to for now.. get some healthy microwave meals in, lots of snack nearby and a big water bottle and binge watch the tv! Hopefully she will start liking the pushchair and you can go out for walks etc.

It gets easier… well it changes! The challenges change but you learn to cope better!

Mine is nearly 7 now. Still doesn’t sleep well but I wish I didn’t stress so much about naps etc in those early days and just accepted it as I regret beating myself up now!

Sending love x

It's such a big change to your life and a reaaalllly steep learning curve sometimes. The exhaustion can be unreal!

If you want to keep breastfeeding, I just want to reassure you that it won't always be so intense and frequent. Right now your supply is building up and regulating.

If you need further support, these are wonderful organisations:

Perinatal mental health support - PANDAS
pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Breastfeeding support (including 24/7 helpline)
www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/

You're doing wonderfully 💐