To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

@wordywitch No,no and no.
People have merely gently suggested that IF the OP finds it too much, people like you shouldn't bully her into not considering FF.

Then the BF pile on couldn't help itself. How dare someone even mention FF?
I hope the OP sees through it all.

I refused to quit breastfeeding and I ended up in a psych ward. I even tried to keep breastfeeding after I left the psych ward, because breastfeeding was supposed to be best for the baby, and what kind of “selfish mother” doesn’t just put her own needs aside and make it through this “short time” to give her baby the best? The milk was there, right? It wasn’t a supply issue, right? Okay, so what was my excuse? “It’s not all about you anymore!”

TL;DR: I agree with you.

I wanted to breastfeed too. But I needed someone to tell me that a healthy mother is the priority over a breastfed baby. If OP can be mentally and physically healthy and keep breastfeeding, great. I was responding to someone who was telling her, in no uncertain terms, not to quit if it was “working.”

People are generally talking about their own experiences and what worked for them so if they found giving breastfeeding up helped them enjoy their newborn more then that is what they will say.

There's a whole paragraph about breastfeeding that starts off with her saying that she feels like a cow. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like if she was happy with breastfeeding, it wouldn't take up a paragraph on a thread about not enjoying her newborn.

Exactly.

The pressure can be so intense, especially during those early days. Sometimes you do just want to hear ''It's ok, you can formula feed''.

That’s awful @YankSplaining. So sorry that happened to you. 💐

It's such a shock isn't it. I remember thinking I'd go a walk and between crying and changing it would be dark by the time I got out the house. I'd have stuff I wanted to get done - nothing massive just something like research a nursery or online banking but wouldn't get round to it. I missed my own time and working, ticking things off a list, feeling like I'd achieved something.

Afterwards, it felt like it went so fast and I managed to appreciate those days with my second, as I knew that soon I'd be running round after a toddler and wouldn't have any more newborn snuggles. It doesn't feel like that at the time though. I'd say yes you have to lower your expectations massively. Your only job atm is keeping both of you alive and fed etc. Your body needs to heal and rest is important. In a few weeks your baby won't be a newborn any more and everything will have completely changed

I'm sorry :( It's so tough, and I had a partner to share the load with. It WILL get better but right now, i know that's not helpful xxx

Yeah, week 4 was hell. Mainly because you've done quite a long time of sleepless nights. And growth spurts. It starts getting better in a couple of weeks.

DD had colic. Hell. very upset baby.

It could possibly be wind? Sorry if that seems obvious, but from my experiences babies can fuss that much and just need a good burp

Thanks. I really appreciate it. 🙂

Breastfeeding is great if it works out for both mother and baby, but if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t breastfeed either of my kids.

Four weeks is so hard. I had the same kind of baby. I just couldn’t put her down, it was constant. I did keep going with exclusive breastfeeding and yes, it was exhausting but it got a lot easier and was extremely useful for the first 2 years. My partner did take her off me and just rock her for a couple of hours at night so I could sleep a bit, although she would wake up and start crying if he stopped rocking her for a second.

Can your support network rally to give you a couple of hours sleep?

I felt like the “baby blues” ended around 4 weeks for me and that made things easier. If you feel like that really strong hormonal sadness isn’t changing, talk to your health visitor in case it is PND.

Cosleeping was a game changer too. I saw a lactation consultant who pointed out that it’s less risky to intentionally cosleep in a safe way, than to fall asleep in a sitting position while she’s in your arms. (Though that did happen many times to be honest).

Do you feel comfortable breastfeeding in public? Here in Spain it is very normal but not sure if you get more looks in the UK. If you can learn to ignore ignorant idiots, it’ll probably be good for your mental health to go to cafes, restaurants parks etc as much as possible.

Yes, with a handy time machine, I'd skip the effort, knowing it would substantially wreck the first few months and eventually not ever work, anyway.

In fact, with a handy time machine, I'd do an awful lot less of everything. I'd sit around and watch old films and let DS nap on me, rather than dash around in a panic-stricken way thinking 'This is my life now, better get used to it.'

Thank you all so much. I’ve read every single reply over the last few days, but haven’t had a chance to reply to this as (surprise surprise!) baby has been so fussy. I am only replying now as after about 4 hours of battling, she’s finally napping on the sofa. I’ve probably got 10 minutes before she wakes up though.

I am so glad it’s not just me. I’ve been feeling totally overwhelmed, over stimulated, and touched out. The past 24 hours she’s been atrocious; awake for about 8 hours straight, fussing, crying. It makes me feel like the worse mum in the world even though I know all her needs are being met. She’s so gorgeous and I adore her, but after so many hours I think even a Saint would weeping.

I have tried to stop looking at social media with people and their fabulous babies that don’t cry and sleep through the night at 2 weeks with one feed. But I feel there is a balance between that (if it’s truthful) and my daughter somewhere! All I want her to be is happy and help her, and I feel like I’m not doing that at the moment and it’s heartbreaking.

Keep plodding on. You are doing great. Some babies are hard work! Just resign yourself to naps cuddling sitting on sofa with boxset and baby suckling. You'll enjoy it more. Remember it's just a short phase.

Keep trying a dummy if you aren't against them (as that really helped with fussing when they weren't really hungry).

Remember there is no shame in swapping to bottle if you wanted to (I did after my first DD just wouldn't settle for hours and hours and I tried so hard to breastfeed for 11 weeks but I was so miserable and exhausted).
Good luck!

When your out of this really intense phrase have a real think about what you enjoy and makes you feel you and how you can do a bit of that in your new life.

I think we can get pushed into one version of being a mum and forget our identity a little. Babies just want to hang out with you so don't worry too much about them at this point.

So for example I love yoga so really enjoyed baby yoga and trying to go to the odd adult class once I felt ok to leave baby for an hour.

I found baby sensory overwhelming so ditched that. Swimming I found the idea of getting changed and the cold a bit daunting so didn't do it until he was older and still only rarely.

My job involves politics so on walks I listened to podcasts about that and tried to watch news shows on TV. Super little things but a coffee and listening to something that engaged my brain and made me feel like me really helped. I think as a single mum that will be even more important.

For you it might be going a fitness group which allows babies or going to museums/ art groups/ hiking/ singing/ dancing whatever brings you joy.

Oh love I felt exactly like this it was a horrible time. I remember starting a thread on here called something like "why does my baby hate everything". He hated baths, his pram, his cot, the car, he even hated any form of cuddle that didn't involve a nipple in his mouth. Even on the breast he was like a cross little goblin sort of scowling into my tit.

I also remember trying to meet friends with their babies and it just being unbearable as their little cherubs slept in their prams and mine howled.

The only thing that helped a little bit was a sort of radical acceptance that life was going to be a bit shit but that it wouldn't be forever. I found trying to pretend it was actually wonderful made it worse. I also managed to frame it as us (me and DS) sort of being in this shit situation together rather than him being the enemy! I felt like we were the same person - probably because he spent 95% of his time attached to me.

Basically, you will get through this and it's so so different once they're a bit older. Also my son turned into an incredibly sunny and good natured toddler and is now a very laid back and lovely 10 year old.

I couldn't read all the replies so many someone has suggested this, is there any chance your baby could have a tongue tie? The amount of time feeding sounds exactly like what happened with my LO. My LO, like yours was putting on weight and wasn't getting throwing up milk either.

Social media of that kind, where you see these perfect babies and moms, is such bs. Having a newborn is hard. Most of us had mothers/fathers/sisters/older children/aunts/cousins nearby to help us through this difficult time, and we need them. If you have a support system, rely on it. If you know of women in your real life who have had babies and don't bs about it being easy, call them. They will know. They will help.

You are absolutely doing a great job. A lot of babies at this age cry a lot. Try a sound machine, vacuum, white noise, swaddling, and swings - those all worked w/ my colicky baby and then my not really colicky, but very normal DD2 who just cried before she could fall asleep.

Also, it's dangerous for a baby that young to sleep through the night w/ only one feed...they need to eat small amounts frequently. So don't rely on that kind of 'standard'.

Yes, people talk about a baby that sleeps for long stretches overnight as a “good” baby, but that actually puts the baby at greater risk of SIDS. Biologically, a “good” baby is one that wakes up reasonably frequently to feed, without ever going into too deep or too long a sleep, even if it feels like torture for the mother. It isn’t meant to be - the baby is doing what it should!

It gets easier, little by little. It really does. I couldn't wait to get out of the newborn phase. It was relentless. Do everything you can to make life easier (I don't think you need to switch to formula unless you wan to btw), and have little treats to look forward too. A cup of hot tea counted. I binged a ton of boxsets with DD asleep and cluster feeding on my chest.

Single mum by choice here to a 10 month old.

OP, this is a relentlessly tough phase. Breastfeeding was a tool for me, whenever he was fussy i'd stick him on the boob. But i have a single mum by choice friend who hated the touched out feeling of breastfeeding and switched to bottle and was much happier. Do what is best for you

I would cosleep from the beginning if i had my time again. I started at 5 months and it has saved my sanity. My baby struggled terribly with gas and so was an awful sleeper waking hourly. Cosleeping makes me feel like a normal person even though he is still not a great sleeper.

Make sure you get out each day, and just bring baby along to what you want to do. They go through phases, mine hated the pram, then at 6 months loved it, and some points hated the carrier then loved it. This is to say, its all a phase so however hard it is now doesn't mean it will always be this way.

It got easier incrementally for me. I found probably the first 12 weeks so tough in terms of getting a shower and eating. Then it slowly got a little easier, there wasn't a big turning point. If i could go back i would do a meal box service where they cook for you, because that stressed me out in the beginning.

I did in the early weeks just accept this was how life was for now, I think i was not very proactive to change things and just accepted each phase. When he hated the pram i leaned into the carrier and vice versa. Right now at 10 months the cot is lava so i cosleep with him and go to bed when he does and just watch tv in bed. Its a phase, it will pass.

I also think, even though you chose this its ok to complain! It is hard having a newborn, just because its by choice being single doesn't mean you dont have a right to have a moan. For ages i felt i should be stoic and pretend it was all easy going but its just not the reality.

Are you in the solo mum by choice uk facebook group? That is a very supportive group with lots of great tips specific to our circumstances.

Finally, i'm going back to work next week and am so looking forward to it. Its ok to not adore every second of maternity leave. I am excited to have adult conversations all day and then come home to my baby. So things will get better, its just having strategies to make this time as easy as possible!

This is the same well meaning advise i recieved when I was breastfeeding a newborn, then a 2 month old and then a 4 month old... OP needs to get baba checked for tongue tie/lip tie, that's my advise.

Yes, for both of mine the colic stopped around 12 weeks.

OP, you’re probably going to have a few more weeks of this, but it will pass.