To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

My little one was never sick at all, but did suffer from trapped wind, and I have a few friends who’s babies were the same. I couldn’t ever understand why people loved muslins so much

For me the newborn stage was the hardest and I had a partner to help. I was an anxious mess. My first barely napped at the start and had silent reflux. I didn't have any friends close by as I was new to the area. They were dark days. What helped was reading a book about routines (not for everyone and I know every child is different). I read about how long my daughter should be awake for at each stage and as soon as she'd been awake an hour or whatever it was I would swaddler her, put on white noise, dark room and into her bassinet. I also used a dummy (again not for everyone but I know some mum's breastfeed to sleep and that too can become a sleep aid) and I tried to be consistent and this did work. She was bottle fed though so it was easier to establish a routine. My son was different and I did breastfeed him at the start but he was a more easygoing baby. Once she turned 4/5 months and her reflux was under control everything was easier. I also joined baby classes and made friends in my area in the same boat as me. This was a real life line and we're still friends now 9 years later. It seems forever at the time but it will get so much better. I started to enjoy her more and more but honestly at the start it was grim. My two are amazing now. ♥️

My DD was a bit like this, also hated the pram but I had to get out the house for my own sanity, so I just used to wrap her up, put her in the pram, put my headphones on and go for a walk with the dog, was she screaming, yes, was she in any actual danger, no, did I care about others judging, sometimes but I cracked on anyway

did I feel better for being outside for a bit 100%, sometimes if I walked far enough she would eventually fall asleep

Babies are shite IMO! Part of the reason I only have one. They're a lot more fun when they can talk, until then it's just a miserable slog.

My first baby was tricky. My second baby is so easy. I'm enjoying her so much more because she's so much easier. Which is to say - you're not doing anything wrong and it's not your fault this stage is hard and unenjoyable. Some babies are just really difficult.

Its going to get easier pretty soon. Lots of babies turn a bit of a corner at 6 weeks and a big corner at 3 months. The crying will settle, it's a newborn thing. She'll start sleeping longer stretches.

Hang in there. You're in the hardest bit, but it won't be for much longer ♥️

Firstly, some babies are so much easier than others. I was one of the mums who loved the newborn phase, but my baby was pretty easy. But I did also lower my expectations. Housework goes down to essentials only. Easy meals to cook. Yes, a LOT of time was spent cluster feeding. I just made sure to find some good books to read, series to watch (and of course, phone scrolling). Have snacks and drinks on hand to munch as baby doses off and enjoy the snuggles.

Do you swaddle her? These swaddle bags were an absolute game changer for us. My DS slept so much better in these. (Stop using when baby starts rolling).

www.tommeetippee.com/en-gb/product/the-original-grobag-swaddlebag-twin-pack-0-6m-dtcbund368?gclsrc=aw.ds&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=UK%20%7C%20PMAX%20%7C%20Sleep%20%7C%20Products&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17336269893&gbraid=0AAAAAC9C0qd3keJM2qaSbwlU8IWrYxfLB&gclid=CjwKCAjw9anCBhAWEiwAqBJ-c9wDKoLwqR5OHusS2ogJoezGfvzHkdZgQod4ImR_EzJ78tM61BpXuRoCeF8QAvD_BwE

I put YABU only because I'm surprised you expected it to be any different. The sleep deprivation and cluster feeding of a high needs baby is brutal. I had a DH and still found it torture up until around eight months.
DS turned into the most wonderful child,. The newborn phase soon passes, but I think we should be more realistic of how difficult it can be.

When she's awake, what does she do - eyes open, looking around, etc? When she feeds, does she have her eyes open?

(My son basically spent 9h latched on one day and was "flutter feeding" without actually taking on milk - but he was actually asleep.)

This isn't "fun" advice, but I'd try to slowly get used to the sling and weight, because their weight is a one-way trajectory, they only get heavier, and the more practice, the easier it gets.

If she's alert enough, a sensory lamp might entertain her a bit to put her down.

And for my velcro baby, a ring feeding pillow was ESSENTIAL - I could eat and drink whilst he did. I recommend a slow cooker and soup spoons for one handed eating.

I chose to formula feed my second and third babies for this very reason. It made the complete and total difference. Won’t go down well here, but it’s true.

My first baby was very similar. It took me months to work out that he would get massively overstimulated and overtired, and the tireder he got, the harder it was for him to fall asleep. He needed me to actively put him to sleep an hour max after he'd woken up. When he got super overtired I would swaddle him tightly, take him into a dark room, play LOUD white noise and shhh-pat him in my arms. He'd fight the swaddle like crazy for the first minute or two but he never failed to be asleep within five. Other than that, he basically lived in the sling and we co-slept. We speculated he had silent reflux but I think he just found the world overwhelming and sleep hard. Many babies do. Other people's would just quietly conk out wherever when they were tired, but mine needed me to help him fall asleep, and to do it at the very first sign of tiredness before he got too tired to fall asleep.

I recommend: 1) a firm swaddle, 2) a good sling, 3) cake, and 4) lowering all your standards and just hanging in there. I know right now it feels like your life forever and like you've voluntarily condemned yourself to this endless hell, but it is genuinely such a short stage. By 4 months it'll be over.

I found early motherhood so unbelievably hard, as did some of my other mum friends, so you're absolutely not alone! Our DH wouldn't sleep at night in his cot at all so DH and I would take turns to sit up at night and watch TV while he slept on us. It felt like chaos every day because he wouldn't nap and every day was a new marathon. He would nap in his pram sometimes so I was carrying the pram cot attachment up to the bedroom and putting it on the bed next to me while I tried to sleep (utter madness in hindsight!!). He also wasn't eating which added to the stress.
I found it utterly exhausting and ended up on anti-anxiety tablets. I did find putting a really strict routine in place really helped for naps and feeds, for myself initially because I could tackle the day by sections. For example, I could think 'just one hour to go before we try nap time again'. If he didn't sleep it was easier to think 'oh well, we'll try again at the next nap time slot'. Eventually, he picked up on the routine as well around 2 months and suddenly everything got a bit easier. Then bit by bit as he got older life got easier. Celebrate the little wins!
By six months he was sleeping through the night with no fuss going down.
It's really tough now but take it a day at a time, or even hour at a time if you have to and you will reach a point where it all comes a little bit easier :).

Recently I found the Instagram algorithm was showing me a lot of newborn mamma and baby content and HO BOY is it obnoxious and misleading. It is really fucking hard. And that's with two people. 'Wake windows' - they are having a laugh.

The thing about babies is that the whole experience is so drastically up and down. One day great, the next day dismal and exhausting. Someone said to me at the time "You spend two weeks working out what they are doing and then they go and change."

It absolutely does get better when you get more sleep, but that's hard to hear in the beginning. It's also a little better if you can get out and walk just a short way a couple of times a day. Honestly.

Mumsnet will round on me but breastfeeding is only the be-all-and-end-all in some circumstances. If it is going to be better for you to bottle feed at night and accept that your supply will gradually dwindle, then you can do that. (They still feed at night though.) Or you can exclusively bottle feed. If that will feel bad to you, and breastfeeding is going ok, look long term and try gauge how that will feel. Only you can know.

Not having a lot of support, as well as the exhaustion, is one of the factors they look for in PND. Getting to a dr is far easier said than done, I know. It doesn't have to be PND, it just is so hard. Please don't feel alone!

I had a partner and still felt this way. It does get easier but the trenches are so hard.

My advice is boxsets to keep your brain entertained while you feed. Don't worry about house, just do what you need to survive. You will get chance to catch up.

Sounds like she is cluster feeding at the moment. This is quite intense and yes you end up feeling like a milking machine. This phase does not last long.

If she is particularly fussy and crying a lot have you looked into a possible tongue or lip tie which could be hindering her latch?

Again the witch hours are pretty short lived, you will be out of the woods with that soon.

She sounds similar to my first baby who was a very grumpy baby, in my opinion she just hated being a baby and got happier and more content as she got older!

If you ask me the newborn stage is not very magical and is extremely relentless. Please be kind to yourself though as I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job 💐

Oh p.s. did you have a birthing ball? Being bounced on a birthing ball sends babies riiiiiiight to sleep and you can keep it up forever, unlike rocking and pacing. When DC2 was cranky, I just stuck him in the sling and sat bouncing on the ball in front of the TV (turning up the volume if necessary) and he'd conk out soon enough.

Newborns are bloody hard work! Mine were easier than yours sounds, albeit both were on formula so that does make the feeding much less hard on you, but even then I was still knackered. It is so very, very much to get used to, and you're having to do it sleep deprived.

It's also tough because you get so little back from them. They really are just glorified lumps at first. But hopefully she will start smiling soon.

People don’t tend to tell you how shit having a newborn is when you’re expecting your first, though, do they?

So how would someone who has no experience of babies think it would be anything other than great?

I’ve had 4 babies op, and with every single one of them I’ve wondered what the fuck I’ve done. And I had a supportive partner.

You’ve had a fair bit of advice so I won’t repeat but just wanted to say, yes it’s completely normal to feel like this. It does get easier and more enjoyable.

@Hellskitchen24 sending solidarity. You are in the trenches now but it does get easier in some ways and then you’ll have other challenges.

For all those saying this sounds pretty normal - this was not my experience at all. My dc was barely seen awake in the day during her newborn weeks soemtimes sleeping up to 3 hrs at a time. Nights were initially harder but by 5 weekish I was getting 3-4 hr stints overnight (before 4 mnt regression) Mine also loved the sling and was quite small so going down to 5 pounds 11 at one point so easier for me to get out and about. I say all this not to gloat but just to show that all babies are soo different and people who found it magical perhaps had easier babies or higher oxytocin levels. You haven’t done anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with your baby.

I also found bf tricky and found the infant breastfeeding support v useful - hopefully you have a team who might be able to assess for tongue tie/ latch to make sure she’s fully satisfied and not fussy because of hunger. We combi-fed with expressed milk and it was nice to know I had the option of having a moment when my dc wasn’t attached to me. As others have suggested if you would like pre-made bottles of formula could be a life saver for you - formula fed babies do seem to sleep better at night. Fed is best and you need to survive.

Agree with other PPs don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need to struggle on to be a great mum - you get no prizes. Anyone who wants to come and see baby - ask them to bring a home cooked meal or microwaveable one. Could ask friends / family to help sort your house out too - I would be happy to clean my friends bathroom / sort kitchen if she needed me so if they’re judgemental - they’re not the sort of friends you need anyway

good luck - it’s easy to say but sooo true - the nights are long but the days are short x

The thing is that newborn babies aren't very rewarding. If you're lucky you get one that hardly cries and sleeps well. It sounds like you were a bit unlucky. I have no idea about why people suggest you should enjoy having a newborn. I confessed to my mother that I thought I'd made a big mistake. She laughed and told me that she'd thought the same about me. I was well loved as a child and I did come to love my children too but I think it can be a more gradual process than people suggest. I didn't feel a wave of maternal love when I first saw my children and they were quite attractive as babies go, cried rarely and slept well.

You do know that you don't immediately have to pick up a screaming baby. You can walk out and close the door if you need 10 minutes to eat something. I know that this is an astonishing concept on Mumsnet but you don't have to vault to pick them up immediately. It's like the putting your own oxygen mask on the plane first. You have to have time to chew and swallow food or you'll end up choking and/or malnourished with wrecked digestion. You have to have time to go to the loo or you'll end up with a UTI.

I am probably not the best to give advice though as I went back to work after six weeks for both or mine. I swapped to formula - I had supply side problems - and sleep trained them to sleep through as quickly as possible. (No to flamers it didn't involve them screaming endlessly.) I was lucky in that I had a lot of support. My mother came and stayed for six weeks with both my children. I realise that you may not be so fortunate.

Anyway things will get better as they get older. Is there anybody who could give you a hand so you could at least get out for a walk around the block? Or give you a hand tidying up? It is pretty depressing if the house looks a mess.

I guess what I'm saying is you shouldn't make a martyr of yourself for the baby.

My first was similar, couple 30 min naps in the day, screaming until 2am. I hated every day of it. We figured it was something in my diet and my breastmilk as switching to formula stopped all the screaming and better sleep.

for my second it was so different, and I fully breastfed.

only thing I tried is no caffeine this time, I had a tea yesterday (barely any caffeine!) and my baby (11 weeks now) has screamed a lot this morning. She’s has some explosive poos and is finally napping.

if you do switch to formula it’s worth considering all the extra bottles to wash and sterilise, cost of formula etc. I attempted pumping and was spending all of precious nap time doing bottle admin.

But honestly your mental health come first, sometimes baby has to cry while we shower or eat or do some self care.

Hello, SMBC here and I could have written this theee years ago. It’s an unspeakable shock to go through, to say no one can prepare you for it is a colossal understatement. I grieved for a long time over the life style I’d lost and it’s totally normal and fine to do this. Don’t feel you have to cope better just because you chose to have a baby on your own, it’s okay to say ‘I chose this AND it’s f*ing awful at the moment.’ What I can tell you is that you, yourself are going through the biggest physical, emotional and mental change since adolescence. This change will give you the tools to cope. I recommend connecting with other SMBC as my friends were such a support. Take each day as it comes. Lower your expectations of yourself. Outsource as much as you possibly can, if you can afford it get a cleaner. Lean on every family member or friend who offers, don’t assume they’re offering to be polite. Talk to your health visitor about how you’re feeling, they are amazing too. And little by little, your child will start to need you in different ways. I won’t say they need you less, but the ways in which they need you change over time until one day you’ve woken up having slept through the night. One day your boobs adjust and breastfeeding was easy peasy. And one day their little arms will hold you tight, and they’ll say “I love you POO!’ And laugh their heads off at their own joke.

My DS is 3 and a half weeks old and I’m in a similar boat re: whenever he’s awake he’s either feeding or crying (mostly). It’s normal. You don’t have to love all of it! Some of it is exhausting.

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like there’s anything underlying that’s causing the crying. Are they feeding/gaining weight well? Just thinking of tongue ties.

I have a DD who just turned 2 so thankfully this time round I have the perspective of just how quickly this time passes. By the time they’re 1 you’ll likely be sleeping through the night (at least some of the time!) and this will all be a distant memory.

The days are long but the years are short.

Solidarity - your baby sounds exactly like my DD at 4 weeks! I still find it boggling when people talk about how lovely the newborn phase was - ours was awful. I was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time but I thought I’d ruined my life. The hard thing is that you have no idea when things will improve - but they will. I even have a supportive partner and I found it very, very difficult.

The constant crying began to steadily decrease from 6 weeks. (I think it was gas, plus being incredibly sensitive and probably not liking being unable to see or move. The more my DD has been able to do, the happier she has become.)

Solidarity too about feeling chained to the sofa, unable to even watch anything because of the crying. I used to work what the neighbours thought. Every hour can feel long when it’s like this. But it won’t last forever. Definitely lower your expectations. Everybody fed / nobody dead = good day.

I went through cluster feeding and some rapid weight gain of baby at this point OP. It was difficult, I felt like he was permanently attached to my breast. It does get better.

I would recommend trying to get out of the house everyday. Try to meet up with other adults, go to classes, anything to stop you being stuck indoors all day long.

Sod the housework, accept any help you can get, order food in and just know it won't last forever.