To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

His own mother won’t accept him living with her due to his behavior. I’m not sure why it’s on OP to provide something to an adult man when his mother won’t.

He shouldn’t have moved in with her and expected to be able to throw his weight around regarding her housing her own son, and yet he’s done that too. Dad doesn’t ‘need’ to house his son, but if he wants to then he can do so without looking to OP to be the one to actually do it.

Exactly.

I wouldn't be letting this little thug move into MY house so that he can punch holes in MY walls. If his father wants to put a roof over his head, HE can provide it.

He's also violent, breaks things, isn't in education or work, spends his time playing video games and has been accused of sexual assault!

Child?

?

Whats the '?' for?

It is the Ops house, she owns it and pays the mortgage.

Sure, it's every else's fault that this 19-year-old wasteoid is smoking weed, being violent, stealing and accused of SA. Kicked out of his home because his own mother is afraid of him.

OP's DP needs to either find a place for his DS to live or for them to live. Doesn't need to be room for all of his kids because, if OP is smart, she won't let them around the 19-year-old.

Nineteen may still be "young", but it's old enough to work, not steal, not be violent and not SA his girlfriends. Making excuses for these kids is why so many of them don't feel they need to grow up or change their behavior.

The OP's son IS more important to her than her boyfriend's son. She bought that house for her children to live in, not for some nomark to move into and try to push her son out.

I'd put dss 19 in with his 10 yo half brother if it was me.

Okay...the kids and parents had a meeting and no child will give up their room and of course, OP will not give up her room.

Now what?

That’s for him to figure out, and his dad if he’s so inclined. It’s no one else’s problem to solve.

This is issue here, some of you talk about 19 year olds like they are small children! He's a full grown man, I had a mortgage at 18, people have kids at 19, people serve in the armed forces at 19. He isn't a a child!

Are some of you even reading what the OP has said about this 19 year old man that indulges in criminal activity, drug taking and was accused of sexual assault? And you think this man with all his problems should be put in a room with a ten tear old boy that barely has a relationship with him! Do you even care how much this guy could traumatize the kid.

The problem is you refuse to see him for the grown man he now is, you see him as a child victim but he takes drugs and has been accused of sexual assault! You've got to start making kids take self responsibility at some point and not make excuses for them. He's a man! People his age have flats, jobs and maybe even kids themselves! It's strange how you have no care and concern for the OPs genuinely young children and how dangerous and traumatizing this man could be to them!

In some countries a young man in this situation would be sent off to join the military for a few years, and it would be the making of him.

Another option OP?

I think the Army would spot he didn’t want to be there and not recruit him, don’t you?!

In the countries I was thinking of, it wouldn’t be an issue. They’ll take anyone 😁

But I know that’s not how parents tend to work in Britain. Just being a bit tongue in cheek.

Yes but why did you reply it's 'Your house' to me?
Did you mean, it's HER house 🏠

I don’t think GasPanic (who is not pinkyredrose) was replying to you. He/she didn’t tag or quote you. I would assume their post was directed at the OP.

Who don't really know each other by the sounds of it

I'm glad someone's paying attention 🙂

Have you got somewhere you can put a caravan? If you’re in the UK the weather’s right for it for a good few months while you work things out. It would give DSS his own space.

To be honest your DP sounds pretty unreliable. You, on the other hand, sound like a force to be reconned with. Are you sure you wouldn’t be better off without him?

There's no easy answer. I do understand why your DP wants to put a roof over his DS head, any decent parent would do the same.
Is there another room., like a dining room or study that DSS can use?
Your DP is being unreasonable saying your DS should move out of his room.
Probably the least contentious thing to do would be to get your younger two to share but get this isn't ideal.There isn't going to be any ideal option as you are a bedroom short.
Other option would be for your your DP and his ex help fund a flat share for DSS. Clearly he will need a job and may have to claim universal credit. He could go to council and say his homeless, mum has kicked him out and he is sofa surfing but I think as a single young man his chance of being housed is slim.
Maybe his mum just wanted your DP to step up and parent as perhaps she's had to deal with a very difficult stage mainly by herself? Either way I think DSS needs support from his dad.

I’m calling it.

“Do you have a dining room?” is the 2025 “Cancel the cheque!”