To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

A week on the sofa while him and his dad figure out a plan (that isn't your house) is more than generous. They are two adults, not sure why it has become your problem to fix.

And he's up/showered with bedding put away by 8am. Preferably looking for a job, or helping around the house if not.

Absolutely doesn't get a room, sounds like at that point any motivation to do anything beyond sleep/game will go anyway.

If they don't come up with a plan, he will have to present as homeless. This will be a terrible outcome, but that's on his dad, not you. You don't have to pick up.the pieces for two grown men.

Honestly , some of the replies here ‘give him a bedroom’ ‘poor dss’ ‘move out of the master’ are BATSHIT .

it’s your house and he does not need to be anywhere near it. He is 19 years old , your partner also sounds like and entitles arse so I’d probably be getting rid of him too.

@AlshandYOU do not need to come up with the a solution other than telling your partner it’s a firm no and he needs to find someone else for his son ( at least) to live. This is a hill I’d die on tbh.

Wait a blimmin minute!
His own mother doesn't feel safe around him but you are seriously thinking of moving this man into your home?
What about your own safety and the safety of your other children.
Also, your poor DS, already walking on egg shells in his own home. That DP seems to think he owns.
Get rid of your cheeky fucker partner and let him solve his own "son" roblems.

@MellowPinkDeer very, very few of the posts say those things. Maybe 5 posts out of a 20 page thread.

I’m afraid I’d be asking your partner to move out with his son as he is going to completely annihilate your current family stability. And why does he think his 19-year-old son’s welfare trumps your 18-year-old son’s when he doesn’t even own the house that he lives in! You need to get rid, this will never work and by the sounds of it will always cause friction between you and your DP

I wouldn't even have this young man in my home if he was my own flesh and blood. He's out of control and I would be afraid that his younger siblings would be upset and intimidated by him.

I would only be prepared to have a discussion and potentially house him if he wasnt a thug. Your offer of a sofa is most generous, don't let your partner bully you into thinking otherwise.

The long term solution is for DSS to get a job and his own place.

He’s been accused of sexual assault?

Like fuck would he be in my house with my daughter.

I’d be prepared to end the relationship
over this.

It really troubles me that you think this is about a bedroom. Protect your daughter.

Annex or caravan in the garden for the 19-year-old?

He has been accused of sexual assault against someone he was dating. He has not been accused of incest or paedophilia.

Absolutely not excusing any of the 19 year olds behaviour with the above, to be clear.

Kick them both out and he can find a flat with his ds

It’s on you all for not allowing space for ALL kids in the first place. Just because your children live with your permanently doesn’t mean the ones who don’t doesn’t deserve their own space. It’s no wonder he didn’t come regularly considering he stopped having his own personal space whilst his father accommodated his step children but not his own biological child.

I will never understand this with stepchildren - don’t get with people with kids if you aren’t willing to treat them the same as your own. And definitely don’t go on to have more children if you cannot fully give the ones you have everything they need and they’re the ones pushed to the side. Sorry but both you and your DH are completely wrong here

Sorry OP but his attitude to your DS would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be reassessing the future of the relationship.

So a drug taking adult man in with an unrelated 10 year old boy?

I don't think so

I still don’t know any 4 bed houses that don’t have a dining room!!

Well the one good thing is this house is yours and your kids FiRST before your dp and dss. Why can’t they get their own place together?

please don’t be one of those women who puts a man before her kids. It’s your ds house and tbh your dss is no one to you. He’s an adult and in no way equal to your son- you don’t owe anyone that to make things equal. Send him and his father on their merry way.

besides if his own mother kicked him out, you are inviting a problem a hundred times worse into your home by allowing him to move in.

But that’s down to his father not the OP. She has NO obligation to house her stepchildren. She bought a house, her house and can decide that HER children are a priority over those who are not related to her. We are not speaking about a little child, it’s a 19yo who is very problematic that his own mother has kicked him out. Yet you think the OP should deal with this shit?

Known to do drugs and be violent and potentially a sexually abusive man,

DP would be moving out to go and rent somewhere with his DS.

Because woman. It's ridiculous. The father sounds like he's coasting living in OP's home, so he must think it's fine.

Woah there! The OP owns the house and pays the mortgage why should she lose her own bedroom and completely ruin the house by turning the living room into a bedroom! Would you give your bedroom away in your house to someone's son you hardly know and is potentially a dangerous character and wreck your living room to turn it into a bedroom?

This guy is not somebody the OP should have around her kids! His dope would stink take house out, he needs to have a plan for his future because OP doesn't need this guy bumming about forever, being a negative influence on her other kids? Police coming around for him? This guy has been accused of sexual assault and you think the OP and her daughter should live with him? What if he brought drugs into the house and the other kids took them? This guy could completely wreck this household and damage all the other kids!

You need to understand that in a situation like this where the OP and DP have 4 kids between them, they can't always go out and buy a 5 bed house to accommodate everyone! I had a mortgage at 18 so I find it odd when people you think grown ups should still have bedrooms at their parents houses! This is a 19 year old man that takes drugs, bums around, is in trouble with the police regularly and was accused of sexual assault and you think it's a good idea to force him onto 3 other kids including two young kids? That's frightening that you think like that!

I had 4bed with dining kitchen. It would not be possible to divide it into a separate kitchen and a bedroom because from the dining area there were doors to utility room and then toilet, and also French double door leading to a garden. Plenty of new-ish builds have similar layout.

Why doesn't the 19 year old just go in with your younger son, problem solved? That will also give him more urgency to find his own place.

Not unrelated - they are half brothers.

I don't understand this mentality that adult children must have a room to come back to at their parents' house. Notwithstanding that this house does not actually belong to the father.