To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

Me, I had one. We put a table in the middle of the large kitchen. The prior owners had their dining table at one end of the large lounge. The kitchen was accessible through the lounge so there was no “spare reception room”

Its not really a blended family though, is it?

It's a bloke who's moved in with the op, doesn't pay his way, and then thinks he's going to start calling the shots.

@Alshand needs to protect her kids, and not let his adult son move in.

He's a teenager who smokes a bit of weed, not a heroin addict. He is also the 10 year olds half brother, not a random stranger off the street

Rather rough on DS10 who has recently got his own room (after sharing with his sister his whole life) - to share a room with a half brother who hasn’t been around much.

None of the solutions are slam dunks as I said upthread.

It's very damaging to children/young people to not have a home to go to. It usually only happens when parents separate and both parents move in with new partners or the child hits the age where the parent doesnt benefit financially from having them at home.. All of a sudden the child is not welcome in either parents home. 19 is still very young.

The person who owns the house makes the rules. Tell him to jog on

It's your house.

Then his father provides for him. He should be able to as he has a cushy deal living with OP.

19 is old enough to take some responsibility for your own situation as well. There were reasons his mother kicked him out.

DSS is not his half brother. He's completely unrelated adult with history of being violent and smoking weed.

OP, I wouldn't allow such person around my kids in my house even under the threat of divorce. Especially not at exams time

He's only 19 and obviously needs his father to show him all the do and do nots.

I actually think that the 2 young adults (18 &19) should share.

But before this happens, I would put a few ground rules in place. And make sure your partner is 100% behind this.
DSS needs to get a job and start paying some rent.
Get him a timetable and a few chores around the house while he's job searching - discipline and structure can work wonders. He's obviously come off the track and it's time to pull him back.

Any stealing, smoking or violent outbursts he's shown to the door.

oooh i feel for you here. I think: keep your kids stable and tell DP to beg his ex to re house DSS. DSS needs to get a job or go to college. A weed smoking (not in education employment or training) NEET is not what you or your children / household need; your partner should be a parent here and jointly with his ex show some leadership by telling him to go to college and grow up a bit.

The absolute cheek of your so called DP.

So he wants you to move his violent, drug taking adult son into YOUR home.
I presume he will pay nothing because he doesn't work.
He wants you to kick your own son out of his bedroom because he's too old, yet younger than SS.
And you'll probably be expected to cook/clean/provide for him too.

Send the pair of them packing.

Yes his dad should find a home where he can accommodate all his children. I would never be in a relationship with, let alone live with anyone that didn't accept my children as part of the family. I work with young people, 19 is still young and most don't have the financial means to set up home alone without any support at that age. Mum doesn't sound gteat if shes kicked him out and washed her hands of him, sent hom to live somewhere he is not wanted. Who knows what sort of home life he had before this.

Yes, she does get to do just that.

He isn’t her family, but even if he was, he’s not a family member she is in any way obliged to house any more than his actual mother is.

If you have that attitude please don't date anyone with children, especially dont move in with them. The child doesn't ask to be in that situation. Also he is family, he's her younger 2s half sibling.

Her children aren’t asking to be in this situation either, yet apparently you think they should be sucking it up.

He moved in with her and her son. If it’s important to a parent that that their partner be willing to take on their child/children as their own and even house them when their own mother won’t, then it’s their responsibility to not date someone that won’t. Oh, it’s also a good idea for them to make sure that they can house their child, without relying on someone else to do it.

Is there not a second room downstairs that can be converted into a bedroom? We did this at one time, installed a sofa bed which the adult child packed away every day so it could still be used as an office in the day time. DSS is facing consequences of his behaviour which is a less than ideal living situation. Hopefully he will be motivated to get a job and get his own place. You have perfect recourse if needed though which is to kick dad and DSS out. Its dad’s responsibility to find housing if he insists DSS has his own room.

I agree with others who say your DP and his DS need to move out. Right now, there is no workable solution and honestly, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
Maybe the SA against his (I assume) ex-GF may not have gone anywhere but if his own Mum doesn't feel safe, how can you or your own DD feel safe?

This is a nuclear explosion waiting to happen and you need to get your finger off the button and do what is best for your three children.

DSS and op's younger boy are half brothers - the dp is the father of both of them.

But in any case, totally agree that he shouldn't be around the kids, or living in the house.

So you are allowing an alleged sexual offender adult into your home because he is your waster boyfriends son?

He is not your step son, you owe him nothing.
You owe you poor children better choices, thats for sure.

Allowing a violent aggressive man who has an allegation of sexual assault against into your home?

Your poor children really don't have any chance.
MN is a parallel universe of men before children
This is so sad.

Get them both out of your home.

DSS19 and DS10 have the same father, so they are half brothers, and they are not completely unrelated.

(DS18 and DSS19 are the unrelated ones)

I agree the dad should not have moved in with a woman if there was any hint she didn't accept his child as part of the family and vice versa. But it seems the boy was living with his mum at the time so maybe it wasnt an issue then. Now mum's kicked him out dad needs to step up and find a home for him and all his children. I don't blame any of the children, possibly ops children didn't want her bf moving in either. Children in these situations don't usually get a say though.

Who cares if they are half siblings.
He is a violent aggressive alleged sex offender.

Sure, but it’s incorrect to say they are unrelated, as a couple of PPs have done.

Out of interest, if it was DS18 who was punching walls and smoking weed, would you think OP should throw him out for the safety of his younger siblings?

yes! ^
I agree with all of this.