To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

OP, if you're not married, he is not your stepson. You owe nothing to either of them.

Do not allow this mess into your home. The safety and security of your children is your sole responsibility, and putting their needs behind those of a man and his offspring open them up to abandonment issues further down the line. They are trusting only you with their well-being, and you are considering putting that aside for these people.
As perhaps overly dramatic as this may sound, it is true.

It’s your house - and your child is living there full time. Of course you’re not wrong to prioritise their needs. If DP wants to help his son eh can absolutely do that but he’s not helping his son with accommodation, he’s demanding you do at the expense of your own son.

Most 4 bedroom houses will have a dining room surely
Not that I think this 19 year old is going to bring anything but problems to your home however DH is obviously going to want his son to have somewhere to live so unless they both leave together, it’s going to be difficult

To be fair the op is behaving the same..they are both pulling rank over their children. You're saying the partner is showing his true colours but both their adult children from previous relationships are the same relevance, ops son is not more important either. They both need to respect each others responsibility to their children and find a solution for all.

Well I would say that she far outranks him several ways.

Its her house in her name on which she, and only she, pays the mortgage.

Her son has lived there far longer than the "D"P.

The step son has never lived there full time.

She lived there bringing up the two youngest without the partner because he was a flake.

So yes, she is pulling rank to protect her home and her kids.

What are your views that the DP thinks that the 18 year old should give way as he is an adult and can leave if he doesnt like it, despite the DSS being a year older, so therefore more of an adult? That the DSS's own mother kicked him out due to drug use, violent behaviour and allegations of sexual assault?

So DSS takes drugs, is violent, and allegedly a sexual predator?
I would not let him stay at all. DP and DSS can both go live elsewhere together. Keep your children safe and boot them both out.

This sounds so complicated. I don’t envy you, I wouldn’t be turning my children out anywhere but I can understand that your DP wants to help his son - adult or not he’s having a tough time and I would help my children at any age . The fact remains though that there isn’t enough room at your house so he has to make some tough choices . If he’s not paying towards the mortgage he should surely be able to afford rent or to buy somewhere else himself , either put his son in it or move together.
Any chance of a summer house being built? Or the youngest share for a bit - do they get on with their brother?

It's not DSS home. He has a home. DSS father can provide another home for DSS if he thinks it's necessary but definitely not at the expense of any other children.

OP’s pulling rank because it’s her house, not her partner’s. OP’s son absolutely both more important and relevant to OP than her partner’s son is.

If the father wants to take responsibility for his son then it’s on him to do it on his own dime, and in his own space.

Your DP is taking the piss! No disruption of existing bedrooms. The 19yr old made choices and needs to live with them.
Actions have consequence, time for him to grow up!

DP needs to sort a house share fo him to help him on his way.
He should not be allowed near your younger children. Wouldn't you think your DP would have more care for them?

Hell would freeze over before I allowed a 19yo thug to move in. The DP sounds like a useless waste of space, I'd tell him to move out, he has no legal basis to live with you and is just a liability based on what you've described. He lulled you into a false sense of security, got himself into your house and is now reverting to type.

i bet the 19yo stepson is out of control because his father has never stepped up and taken control of him in his early years.

I wouldn't want this adult living with my kids.

It's your house and you've only been with your bloke 3 years.

Also re alleged sex assault..if course he denies it... Sex offenders nearly always do! . Is he safe to be around your daughter /you?

Apart from all the other delightful traits.
It's so not fair on your exam taking son or your younger kids... Is this the example he's setting of what they should be when they're older ??

It would be a hard no from me.

He can go back to his mums or get a flat share

Agree 100%. DP has a nerve.

I think it's a difficult decision, there is no right solution here.

You need to make your mind up about whether he's staying in your house long term or not. He can't stay in the sofa indefinitely. And if he is staying, then someone will have to compromise, because all the bedrooms are occupied - so either 2 children share, or you create a new bedroom somewhere. Or you all move out to a bigger house but I doubt that's an option.

Or, you decide thah he can't stay. And then your partner has to make his own decision about what's best for his son and his other children. And that could mean moving out of your family house, and renting to live with him.

I'd be worried of the impact on your younger children, but only you know what worse between their step brother living with them full time, or their dad moving out...

I think it's a difficult decision, there is no right solution here.

the “right decision” was years ago. On the day the Op and DP met. To have not seen one another again .

@IamtheDevilsAvocado she’s not only been with him 3 years though. He’s the father to her 10
and 8 year old children.

It's her house though. She had it before the partner moved in and pays the mortgage by herself. She literally does outrank him!

Wow, how helpful

You dont get to put your families together and then pull rank if its your house. What is this obsession on mumsnet with whose house is it. They are a family regardless to who the house belongs to.

Oh it’s too late realistically to salvage this kind of family environment.

you just have to hope the children don’t repeat the cycle

And I wouldn’t be re-jigging my home, that DP pays nothing toward, ie, getting rid of the dining room. Where does DP suggest that the 6 people in the house eat?

I’d say any argument applies to both 18 and 19yo but the 19yo’s behaviour complicates things - he doesn’t need time, he needs support to sort his life out; this hasn’t happened overnight.
house rules and a repurposed living space.

I think she does in this case because her partner is telling her that her son who has lived there his whole life, who I am assuming she bought that house to home, should leave as he's an adult now so he can house his older delinquent son instead. Her partner has only lived there a couple of years, he doesn't pay the mortgage, if they split he leaves the house as it's not his. Yes they are a family but that doesn't mean op prioritises her step son over her own and pushes him out of his room

She literally says it in her post- a house share. Because he's an adult.

Time to lay down the bong and game controller and start adulting. DP can help set him up. DS is a full-time student, doing what he’s supposed to be doing, and shouldn’t be penalised in favour of a do-nothing manchild.