Being labelled unreliable as a working mum

[Positivegirl]

I am absolutely working as hard as I can. Because I have to pick my child up from school I am now labelled as unreliable. I work extremely hard and I see colleagues at work completely slack, turn up late and not meet deadlines. I have been labelled as unreliable because I am a working mum. I don’t have another choice but to work, I let work know it’s half term but I still go hard I work 200% while my child is in half term and never miss a meeting or deadline. I do school drop off/pick up and run back to work. I travel for away days at work I run back to get my child and run back to the desk.

it’s never enough I’m doin the best I can and it’s heartbreaking to have people who don’t have children to tell me I’m not doing enough and that I am not reliable when I know I’m performing more than others. My project manger is always late, canceling meeting last minute and not meeting deadlines for us as a team to continue working. But I am unreliable as I leave to go pick my child up (in the hour that would be my lunch break as I don’t bother having lunch)

I feel like giving up I work for me and my child to give us a good life but I’m not doing enough there. Then in motherhood I’m working to hard.

im drained to the bone with judgment from both sides from people I know could not juggle what I do as a working single mum. Im fed up

You need to formalise this that you can take your "lunch" in the middle of the afternoon. Otherwise it does look like you're skiving if people can't get hold of you. It impacts other people too. I've worked with someone who does this and if you need a reply from them it leaves you hanging for an hour and might want to finish at 4. You also can't really claim to be WFH for another hour or two if you've got sole charge of a toddler in the house.

Since when are single parents more reliable, dedicated or productive? I'm sure some are but it's a bit of a generalisation to say they all are! And I say that having been one myself.

This.

As an employer I would have no problem if an employee blocked out 2-3pm every day to collect from school, and then made up that time after hours. I would have a HUGE problem if they then worked 3-6pm with a toddler in the house. You have to have proper childcare for those hours or officially drop your hours to 9-2pm

Then you are unreliable..if you are meant to be working and therefore available in the afternoon after pick up, then you are taking the piss being unable to attend anything last minute. You should be available as that is during your working hours.

If I was your colleague I would be highly resentful in paying childcare while you swan around avoiding meetings in the afternoons but still getting paid as normal.

As others have said you need to make a formal flexible working requesting stating what hours you can do (9-12 maybe then evenings 6-9) and it is up for work to agree to these conditions. You can justify this with your evidence that you always meet deadlines and that most meetings happen in the morning.

I agree you also need to do a benefits check. Unless you are on a massive salary or have a big stash of savings you are refusing to use, then you should be entitled to something.

What about the child's dad? Are they paying/involved?

Do they know that you have her on your own for the rest of the afternoon? It’s rubbish, and I’m sorry it’s so hard, but can you look for full time nursery place/ child minder instead?

You really cannot work and look after a 2 year old. You can't do it for every afternoon and you certainly cannot do it for weeks on end when the school's are out. I don't know how long you have been with this employer but rather than say, sorry this is the best I can do, I would listen to them. They are giving you a heads up that this arrangement isn't working for them and they are giving you a subtle nudge to sort it out. As much as it annoys you, they don't owe you anything. Working from home wasn't a thing when mine were little so everyone just had to use ASC and holoiday clubs. It's expensive but no employer would have been OK with you just bringing your kids to work every afternoon and school holiday. This is the same thing, you are just doing it out of sight.

It’s not unusual, most of the staff that are parents in my department are single mothers, they have chosen it because the hours fit in with school times and they can have flexibility (for example, arranging to work in the evenings or at weekends for the standard rate to make up their hours) they are on minimum wage but receive top ups in benefits.

Do you have a flexible working agreement in place that adjusts your hours for any time you are away from work during the day.

Yes, this childcare isn't sustainable. A 2yo can't be left alone, and won't play independently for long. You say you're available on the phone - being able to take a call is not working, when do you do your actual work?

Blocking out the hour for pick up is one thing but what happens in the school holidays as it sounds like your child is at a preschool rather than a year round nursery?

The point is you can't just disappear to do childcare during the working day. Most people make arrangements with either a childminder, friend or relative.

Hi OP, appreciate you're in a bind but agree that you are really being unreliable if you're looking after your child while on the clock. That's totally unfair on your colleagues who are present and focused on work in their contracted hours. Im amazed you haven't been formally told to adjust the situation. In my teams I've always accommodated people doing emergency childcare during work but if they just decided it was their routine I'd be having a performance/conduct meeting. Sounds like you need to go part-time.

If my workplace found out you were wfh with children around, you’d be immediately put on leave until you could sort it. It’s not tenable, and I’m sorry it’s hard for single parents, but that makes not one jot of a difference. There’s no way this isn’t impacting your work.

You’re very lucky you are able to nip out and do school pick up/drop off and then go back to work. I can see why this would make people think you were unreliable. It’s a very delicate line to navigate.

You need to formalise a proper flexible working policy with your company as it sounds completely chaotic at the moment, and of course that will build resentment.
One of my team is in a very similar position to you. Her hours are 8.45 - 2.45 and then she's back online for two hours once her child is in bed. This works well for everyone as they know exactly when she is and isn't available, she's not stressing, and managers can assign tasks to her for her evening work that is waiting for them when they log in the following morning.

Yes someone should look after my two year old but I don’t have anyone.

I'm afraid this is the problem.
I don't know what the solution is because childcare is ridiculously expensive, but this is not your employer's or colleague's fault or problem to manage.

For me it’s less the pick up and drop off as that can be arranged to be done in their break time, it’s the looking after a two year old for the rest of the working day, that’s just not possible unless OP makes up the time in the evenings (or at weekends).

I have only read a few comments and I’m shocked at the lack of support.
Sounds like you are doing as best as you possibly can and you are juggling many balls. It’s so hard, I know as a mum of 3 children with a job… I feel I get a phone call every week saying one needs to be collected as they are poorly. School never call my partner/their Dad. Unfortunately it’s the society we live in, it’s patriarchal. Luckily I have a supportive manager, thank goodness as we have no grandparents/extended family that can help.
Can you speak to HR about the lack of support you feel you are receiving?

That’s not every day though. OP is looking after her two year old in working hours every day after collection.

What ‘support’ is available for someone who wants to nip off to do collection, and mind their child all afternoon, with their calendar blocked out, but not be labelled as unreliable for doing so? OPs colleagues will have childcare in place like everyone else. It’s beyond naive to think they are going to be delighted to watch OP opt out of this.

OP needs to get formal childcare or go part-time.

'You don’t HAVE to do school runs. You could use childcare like everyone else!
maybe worth listening to the concerns of your manager and find a way to make your job work alongside childcare like most people have to!'

If it has been agreed with the employer, which it is assumed it was your comment makes no sense.

As long as the contractually agreed hours are being met the op is doing nothing wrong. Just ignore the comments, complain to more senior manager or find a more flexible workplace.

I had a chat with the CEO he has a child and he immediately understood. He knows I do the work and he actually employed me and knew I had a child. The only other parent who is a man in the work force who isn’t the CEO feels the same as me. although I spoken to the line manger they don’t have a child so it’s hard to relate.

School will contact the number they have in their records. We had DH’s listed as he worked closer to the school whereas I could be anywhere in the world.
You could have your DH’s details recorded with the school instead of you.

I suppose it depends what the agreement was at the start of the employment. When she finished her maternity leave, her employer has a duty to make reasonable adjustments. Childcare is ridiculously expensive (albeit more affordable recently with the introduction of 2 year old provision).

People keep saying people have child care I am the only mother in the company and the other father who is not the CEO feels the same as me and his set up is also similar.

I left my old job due to my boss saying I was unreliable and no longer fully committed, because I reduced my hours to part time, to fit in with hursery hours. I'd only had 2 days off that past year due to my child being sick! My colleagues laughed because they had 8-12 days off sick that year! A year after I left I bumped into a colleague. She said my boss made sure to replace me with someone without kids. That lady became the biggest pain in the arse they'd ever had!!! She refused to cover staff and stay over, told management she'd best not stick any shit on her because she wont have it!!! Everyone was gobsmacked!!! She even actively looked and applied for jobs while she was working, and even went to an internal interview while she was supposed to be working! 😆 Makes me chuckle even now! Hate my old boss, F*** you Louise!!!